


The Lion Tamer

by celexdraw



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-14
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:41:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 34
Words: 62,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22245031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celexdraw/pseuds/celexdraw
Summary: After being found on the tracks attempting to end his life, Gavin is taken under the wings of Ringmasters Hank and Cole Anderson of  'Cirque de l'incroyable', and becomes a member of their circus. Gavin was just looking for an escape from his old life, but this might be more than he bargained for.
Relationships: Upgraded Connor | RK900/Gavin Reed
Comments: 161
Kudos: 363





	1. The Birds Are Prophets

The moon was bright enough that evening to envelope everything in a grayish blue instead of a black slick. Gavin would have preferred a stormy night since that would have been much more in line with his current mood, and it would have disguised him completely from the engine driver of the train.  
No one deserves to see that.  
The steel tracks glinted where the train had rubbed the metal completely smooth, and Gavin followed the line of light until it curved into the forest and out of sight.  
He had been following the tracks for a good amount of time, just to be sure that no one would find him. It’s not like this was the first time he had attempted to run away, but this would be the last time. He planned on making that definitive.  
Sitting on a rough railroad tie, Gavin waited, wiping the blood that continually poured from the deep cuts on his face and nose.  
It was late spring, but the evenings were still relatively cool, and in his haste, he hadn’t grabbed a coat or even a jacket to shield himself. He hadn’t planned for the railroad to be completely quiet that night. Not a single train had passed through the area, which was odd, since he knew that the station was usually quite busy, even at this time of night.  
Wrapping his arms around his legs and breathing hot air into his shirt, Gavin wondered if God was cursing him for attempting to kill himself. Then again, when had God ever done anything to except curse him?  
A loud rustling sound in the shadowy forest to his right disturbed his forcefully angsty thoughts. Gavin jumped, watching the bird soar overhead, blocking out the moon with its broad wings.  
It was a hawk by the shape of its wings, Gavin was sure he had seen an image of a hawk’s wings in a zoology text at some point. His private instructor had gone off about how the hawk symbolized opportunity, and while that hadn’t meant anything to him then, it bothered him now.  
It felt like nature was teasing him. The night was calm and unnecessarily serene. The stars were shining and the moon looked down on the world so brightly you didn’t even need a lamp to see.  
Maybe he shouldn’t do this.  
As the sliver of doubt entered his mind for the first time, the sound of a rhythmic beating on the ties hit his ears. The train was coming.  
Pushing the thought away, Gavin closed his eyes and even turned himself away, not wanting to face the train as it bore down on him.  
He focused on the blood that oozed from his brow and nose and slowly dripped off the edge of his chin, staining his shirt and pants even more than they already were. The heavy clip seemed to be getting closer, but not that much louder.  
Gavin couldn’t help but open his eyes slightly and glance over his shoulder, seeing a waving lantern bouncing in the distance, along with the distinct shape of a horse.  
Not a train.  
With no time to hide, Gavin hunkered down on the side of the tracks and hoped that the rider would think he was already dead or perhaps not see him at all.  
His heartbeat began to speed up when the thought occurred to him that, perhaps, this was someone looking for him, and that he was simply destining himself to be dragged back home.  
The gallop came to a slow trot and Gavin knew he was caught, the lantern shining toward him and the rider calling for the horse to come to a full stop.  
Gavin immediately stood up and faced the rider, who was completely disguised behind the bright lantern.  
“Woah, kid, what happened to your face?” The man asked, lowering his lantern and peering at Gavin with a genuine look of concern.  
Feeling immediate relief that the man was no one he knew, he let down his guard slightly.  
“None of your business,” he replied under his breath when he realized the man was waiting for a response.  
“What are you doing on the tracks?”  
“None of your business.”  
“Look, kid…” the man paused, noticing the blood that was on the tracks where Gavin had just been sitting, “I’m not from around here, but my train broke down several miles down and we need assistance, you wouldn’t happen to know where I can find a station and some engineers?”  
Gavin frowned, smearing blood across his face as he considered answering. It seemed obvious to him that all you had to do was follow the tracks and that would lead straight to the station. Why in the world did this man need his help?  
“My name is Hank, by the way,” the older man offered his hand, “I’m the Ring Master for the ‘Cirque de l'incroyable’”  
Gavin sniffed, blood filling his nose, but his interest was piqued. He knew the man Hank was telling the truth just by the clothes he was wearing. The fancy fabrics and extremely outlandish decorations were enough to convince him of that.  
“Gavin,” he decided, wondering if fate was offering him a different way out.  
He took Hank’s hand and shook it, forgetting that it was covered in his own blood.  
“Oh- I’m sorry.”  
He immediately felt the heavy weight of embarrassment and anxiety that followed him every moment of his life, waiting to pounce the moment he did anything wrong.  
“It’s quite alright, Gavin, I can wash them,” Hank chuckled good-naturedly, his silver hair practically glowing in the moonlight, “how ‘bout this, Gavin. You come with me and help me get an engineer to fix our train, and I’ll let you ride with us.”  
“Why?” Gavin tried to hide the excitement in his voice, but it just made it crack instead. He still didn’t know if he could trust this man.  
“It looks like you were going to jump on the next train that passed, so I figured you might as well have permission to get on ours,” Hank explained simply, his rumbling voice like that of a kind grandfather.  
Gavin nodded, knowing full well that they both knew the real reason why he was on the tracks that night.  
“You’ll let me off wherever I want?”  
“And whenever you want,” Hank added with a sparkling smile.  
Gavin rubbed his filthy hands together nervously. Now that his life was suddenly going to continue, he hadn’t thought about what he would do with it.  
“Hey, don’t worry, I’ll take care of you,” Hank promised, “I’ll even get you all patched up. There are a lot of people your age in my circus, I’m sure they’d love to meet someone new!”  
Gavin felt the cold now on his wet clothes as they pressed against sore, bruising skin, Hank’s lantern not only had a warm glow, but it felt warm just to be close to it... as if urging him to come with them.  
“Are you sure?” Gavin whispered, feeling sick at speaking with a stranger in this way. Perhaps it was better that Hank was a stranger.  
“I’m sorry… I’m wasting your time,” Gavin took a step back, seeing the exasperated look on Hank’s face.  
“No!” Hank reached out, but Gavin instinctively dodged out of the way.  
“You’re not wasting my time,” he said with feeling, “you’re worth stopping for, Gavin, I believe it.”  
“You don’t even know me.”  
“I want to know you,” Hank held out his hand, “just come with us. Try something different… from what you’re considering now.”  
Gavin held his breath. How could this man offer him so much when he couldn’t offer anything in return? How could he possibly benefit this man in the slightest?  
“There’s a place for you with us. We’re just a giant family of misfits and runaways, you know,” Hank encouraged, his hand still extended, “you already belong.”  
“I can’t do anything,” Gavin protested, realizing that Hank was offering him more than just a ride.  
“Everyone can do something.”  
“But-”  
“Just trust me.”  
There was something in Hank’s eyes that Gavin wanted to believe in right then, thinking of the hawk. Perhaps this was a new opportunity. Maybe he didn’t have to die.  
Gavin took Hank’s hand.  
“Okay.”


	2. It Felt Like An Edvard Munch Painting

The train was crammed full of people. Gavin was sure he was going to suffocate for the bodies that shuffled back and forth as people complained about it getting stuffy inside or that they were out of food.  
Hank’s arrival--along with a secondary caboose to tow their train into the station-- sent a ripple of action in the living cabin. Even in the dim lights the ocean of colors was overwhelming. People sang loudly and played with glinting costumes and feathery props. Some continued to share smokes silently, filling the ceiling with a haze that gave the whole scene a feeling of unreality.  
“Oh my god, Hank, what happened to that poor kid?” Someone exclaimed, finally noticing Gavin as Hank ushered him out from under his coat. Even though the inside of the train was much warmer, Gavin was still shivering violently.  
Then everything froze, as if the environment had become a painting. All eyes landed on Gavin and he felt his face heat up uncomfortably.  
“Where’s Cole?” Hank asked, “he can get him fixed up.”  
“We’ll find him!” A group of voices from the crowd exclaimed, and the painting stirred to life again, the colors shifting and dancing, all the while encroaching on Gavin’s space as bright faces looked at him and spoke to him.  
He wasn’t able to keep up with anything.  
“Split it up, split it up, can’t you see the poor kid’s traumatized?” A broad-shouldered man exclaimed, pushing the oglers aside as he gave Hank a hug. They looked distinctly alike. Cole even had the silvery hair, though his face was much younger. He was probably only a few years older than Gavin.  
“Hey, kid, I can patch you up if you want. We can go back to my car, no one will bother you there, okay?”  
Gavin was nodding before Cole had even finished the sentence, the crowds bearing down on him like the hoards of relatives and guests he had been made to entreat for so many years… except even more intimidating.  
Cole easily parted the ocean of faces, giving Gavin only a fleeting image of those who watched him as he walked by the booths and cabins set up down each car of the train.  
“Oh, is Hank back?” a dark haired man exclaimed, tilting out of the cabin before the doorway leading to the next car.  
“Yes,” Cole replied with a nod, punching the man in the shoulder as he paused at his door, “we should be moving shortly.”  
Gavin hid behind Cole’s colorful trench coat, feeling like even more of a child with every passing moment. It didn’t help that he hadn’t hit his growth spurt yet, despite being nearly 18.  
“Oh good,” the man grinned.  
“Finally!” A more disheveled face appeared next to the first. They looked practically identical, “we’ve been sitting here forever!”  
“Well, we’ll be in town shortly and we’ll set up camp for the night, Nolan, so-”  
“The night’s nearly over!” Nolan complained.  
“Just be grateful that we’re not stuck here!” the first man jerked his elbow into Nolan’s chest.  
“Ugh, Connor!”  
Connor grinned, “he’ll get over it.”  
Cole nodded, stepping past them and allowing Gavin only one glance into the room as they passed. A third man sat against the far wall near a light, his eyes glued to his book.  
He looked a tad younger than the other two, but not by much. He had many of the same features of the twins, the greatest exception being a set of piercing blue eyes that caught Gavin’s attention even in the half second that he saw them before the room vanished from view and Gavin was in Cole’s car, which was fully furnished for two. It felt like a home inside of a train the way it was decorated.  
“Sit down,” Cole pointed to an ottoman while he rummaged through a drawer underneath his bed. Gavin obeyed silently.  
Returning to him with a box of first aid and a bowl of warm water that stirred as the train began to move, Cole began to clean Gavin’s hands.  
“What’s your name, kid?” Cole asked softly, the tenor of his voice very similar to Hank’s.  
“Gavin.”  
“Alright, Gavin, my name is Cole, sorry I didn’t introduce myself earlier. You already met my Dad.”  
“Hank?”  
“You got it,”  
He finished with Gavin’s hands, which had been scratched up a little bit, but not nearly as bad as his face, which was still bleeding a little bit on the bridge of his nose.  
“I have to sew up these cuts, they’re really deep,” Cole warned, “are you going to be okay, or would you like some scotch to-”  
“NO.”  
Gavin felt his face go red and he looked down, “I’m fine. I don’t need that.”  
“Drinking some might help with the pain,” Cole informed softly.  
“Oh, I thought you were going to put some on…” Gavin pointed to his face.  
Cole stared at Gavin for a moment, understanding crossing his face. Gavin kicked himself for saying anything. Of course he would have to put alcohol on the wounds… the problem was that they already stung from the alcohol residue that had splashed all over him when the bottle hit.  
“I’ll clean it with water first, okay? The alcohol I’ll be using for this is cleaner and is meant for wounds. It’ll hurt like a bitch, probably worse than you already feel, but it’ll help the wounds heal, okay?”  
Gavin nodded.  
Cole went to work, pushing Gavin’s hair back in a slick with the amount of water he was using. He paused every once in a while, picking up a pair of tweezers and pulling out bits of glass that had lodged itself into his head and nose.  
It was only now that the painful throbbing of the injuries were finally kicking in, making Gavin dizzy, but he fought back by grabbing the edges of the ottoman and holding on tightly.  
“Tell me something about yourself, Gavin,” Cole asked as he sat back and began to prepare the needle and thread.  
“I’m 17.”  
“Alright, that’s about what I would’ve guessed.”  
“Don’t lie,” Gavin muttered.  
Cole laughed, “what, I’m not allowed to be right?”  
“No one’s ever thought I looked 17,” Gavin countered hotly, “you’re just trying to get me to like you and loosen up.”  
“Sure, but that doesn’t mean I have to be dishonest,” Cole let a smirk break across his stubbled face, “but if you want me to flatter you, I’d say you’re not as short as you think you are. We’re just exceptionally tall.”  
Gavin rolled his eyes, but let it go.  
“Don’t worry, we’ll have plenty of time to get to know each other,” Cole continued, placing a firm hand on Gavin’s face and ordering him to hold still with his eyes as he started sewing up his lip.  
“Maybe it’s not fair that I’m asking all the questions and not telling you anything,” Cole decided after finishing the lip and giving Gavin a break, “what would you like to know about me?”  
“I don’t know.”  
Gavin didn’t really feel like talking, his whole body ached and he was sure that the bruises that had been hidden underneath his olive skin were starting to shine through brilliantly.  
“That’s okay, how are you feeling?”  
“Not good,” Gavin felt the blood drain from his face and knew he was going to throw up.  
Cole was ready, and after Gavin had finished heaving into a bucket, Cole moved him to a lying down position in order to wrap up his work.  
“Hold this against your lip,” Cole ordered, “we’ve got to disinfect the area so that the bile doesn’t mess up the cut.”  
Gavin obeyed, whimpering at the bright sting against his lip and his nose as Cole started sewing up his nose, cleaning it as he went with a potent bottle of clear alcohol.  
“I’m almost done, it’s okay, I’m almost done,” Cole hummed, knowing Gavin was barely conscious enough to listen.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“How’s he doing?” A voice asked, interrupting the fitful stupor that Gavin had fallen into.  
“His fever finally broke early this morning.”  
“Good.”  
“...just makes me so angry. How could anyone do something like this?”  
“You don’t understand the circumstances.”  
That was Hank’s voice, “and we’ll never know exactly what happened unless he tells us. Reserve judgement until then. That’s our rule.”  
“I can’t just ask the poor kid!”  
Cole.  
“Then let him open up on his own. We don’t need to know how he got here, that’s not important. What’s important is that he’s safe now.”  
Gavin forced his eyes open, immediately regretting it as bright morning light slapped him hard in the face.  
“I wish you’d argue somewhere else,” he moaned, a splitting headache igniting at the front of his skull as if a thousand spears were being pressed into his brain.  
“Gavin!” Cole jumped like a spooked cat, turning around and looking at him, “how are you feeling?”  
“Like someone smashed a bottle on my face.”  
“Yeah?” Hank chuckled, “what a surprise.”  
“Do you want something to eat? Do you feel hungry at all?”  
“Maybe a little,” Gavin admitted, still a little confused about where he was and what was happening.  
“I’ll get him some bread and clean water from the kitchen,” Hank said, walking out of the door.  
It was then that Gavin realized he was still in Hank and Cole’s car. He was in one of their beds.  
“I’m sorry-” he started, but Cole shook his head vigorously.  
“No, you listen to me, you never EVER apologize about being sick or being hurt to me again, got it?”  
Gavin was sure there was some sort of wasps nest stuck in his ears, and he couldn’t think right for the noise.  
“Uh-huh.”  
“You’re safe here, do you understand?”  
Gavin nodded, the words swirling around in his head as he let the idea settle in his mind slowly, trying to understand what it really meant.  
“Do you… want to stay here?” Cole asked hesitantly, “don’t feel like you have to-”  
“But we’d like it if you did,” Hank added, walking into the room and closing the door slowly.  
Gavin felt a hand on his back as he tried to sit up, helping him into an upright position.  
“Why?” He asked suspiciously as he attempted to get his bearings. Sitting up made him slightly dizzy, but perhaps it was the perpetual motion of the train that was getting to him.  
Cole opened his mouth, then closed it, obviously not sure what to say or how to say it.  
“Because I think a kid who can take a bottle to the face and survive should look forward to more in life than just getting hit by a train,” Hank handed him a chunk of bread and a large tin bottle of water that was screwed shut to prevent spilling.  
“Don’t you want more for yourself?” Cole added, their gazes resting on him as he took a tender nibble of the bread while trying to avoid the still-throbbing stitches on the upper right side of his lip.  
“Why does it matter to you?” Gavin asked again, feeling the bitter hopelessness that had been engendered in him drown whatever crazy hopes he had developed when meeting Hank on the tracks.  
“I don’t matter to me. I don’t care about my future as long as I don’t have to go back home. I don’t understand why you’re trying so hard to pretend to care.”  
Hank smiled thoughtfully, “all you want is to not go back, then? That’s it?”  
Gavin nodded, clutching the canister in his hands and watching it shake as he tried to take a drink without pressing it too hard against his mouth.  
“Then how about we help you do that, son. We’ll do everything we can to keep you safe and away from that place, okay?”  
Cole nodded his agreement to the statement, “this can be your new home, if you’d like.”  
Gavin stared at the water in the canister, wondering why it was sloshing around so much.  
A calloused hand gently held the canister still, and Gavin felt his chest tighten up and his splitting headache erupt like a volcano. He could feel the stitches on his right brow rip and his lip split as he succumbed to the illness that had been threatening for so long he had nearly forgotten what it meant to feel well.  
Large tears rolled down his cheeks and clogged his nose. He shook violently as he sobbed, the pain of the stitches tearing an afterthought as he fought to swallow down the uncomfortable deluge.  
The failed attempts just upset him more as he exposed himself like a raw nerve to these two complete strangers, who would never feel like strangers again after this.  
No… not after they held him in their arms and let him bawl like the child he was. Not after they consoled him and comforted him like they had known him all their lives. Like he was one of their own.  
Gavin could sense that they had done this many times. In fact, most of the people on this train had probably gone through something like this, he guessed.  
Now that he considered it, a lot of them could be orphans from the Great War. Maybe they had lost everything and Hank and his son had taken them under their wings.  
Then he felt selfish for feeling so miserable, which only made him even more miserable.  
“I don’t deserve this,” Gavin said, his body shaking like a leaf.  
“Are you alive?” Hank asked, letting go of Gavin but resting his rough hands on his shoulders.  
“Yes?”  
“Then you deserve to be with a family that cares about you.”


	3. Fever Dream Kingdom

“Stay close.”  
It was difficult to follow Cole’s instructions, since the ocean of people crowding into the circus tent didn’t seem to care that Gavin was attempting to keep up with someone. The only thing that kept him close to the taller man was his sheer girth, giving Gavin just enough wake to hide in while people shoved by, totally oblivious to the fact that the secondary ringmaster was right in front of their very eyes.  
Cole wasn’t dressed up for the part at the moment, though. Tonight he was playing as a stage member who would be called into the ring to play with the animals, who would teach him how to dance.  
That was such a crazy phrase for Gavin to hear that he decided he needed to see it to really get it.  
Gavin felt the spark of a boyish excitement flutter in his chest as Cole gestured for him to sit on a box that looked over the entire ring from the second-tier stands. It was part of the support for the main tent beams, and it provided a perfect view of the best part of the show, according to Cole.  
“I’m sure once you see a show you’ll have an idea about us.”  
“I’ve never been to a circus,” Gavin admitted sheepishly, “always wanted to go, though.”  
“That is somethin’ isn’t it?” Cole grinned, “you went straight from never seeing one, to being in one!”  
“But I can’t do anything!” Gavin protested for probably the hundredth time that day. He had been far more interested in lifting heavy things and just helping with set up than being in the show, but it was clear that the performers were also the set-up crew. Everyone did everything, and that was very disconcerting to Gavin.  
“Just watch us do our magic and I’m sure you’ll see something that catches your interest,” Cole promised, “besides, you don’t have to be good at it immediately. We can teach you whatever you need to know. The important thing is that you’re having fun.”  
At this, Cole winked and disappeared into the crowd, leaving Gavin alone to watch hundreds of people settling in for the two-hour performance.  
Just the thought of standing in front of that many people made him ill, but he tried to forget about it as the lights began to dim and a hush fell over the crowd.  
The tent burst to life as quickly as a dry field of grass catching fire. The band slammed the crowd with a wall of sound as tinted lights and small explosions of colorful smoke lit up the arena in a chaos of hazy motion. Dancers with ribbons flitted with violent beauty from one edge of the ring to the other, flipping effortlessly in the stamped down grass and dirt.  
Gavin felt immediately transported into an entirely new world, forgetting his assignment to look for things he would want to do as his eyes tried to take in every single moment of the action.  
Everything was choreographed to the heavy beat of the big band, even the colors seemed to match up in designs and patterns to match the flavor of the music as it changed and pulsated. Gavin never knew that people could make those kinds of noises with musical instruments. He didn’t even know that this kind of music even existed.  
It was amazing.  
Finally, Cole was pulled from the crowd to dance with the animals. The elephants stood on their back legs, holding each other up and stepping with the beat. They stopped and one of them smacked Cole in the face to make sure he did it too. The whole arena roared with laughter.  
Cole began to dance with the animals as different creatures taught him different moves. It was clear that both Hank and Cole were giving out commands to the animals, which broke the illusion that Cole was a sincere member of the audience, but no one cared, so neither did Gavin.  
Just when he was sure that the Circus was going to come to an end, the music changed. Only half the band played. It had the same notes, just played in a more mysterious way. The lights began to move up, and Gavin found himself just behind a huge column of light that directed itself to the top of the highest pillar, where two people stood on a small plank jutting out over the drop.  
Jaw on the floor, Gavin felt his heart race as he tried to understand what they were going to do. People from the crowd pointed and gasped, wondering similar things.  
Then one of the men jumped.  
Gavin almost yelled out in horror, smacking a hand on his mouth as his eyes caught the glint of ropes and a bar.  
It became immediately clear what Cole had meant about Gavin’s spot being the best seat for the best part of the show. He was in the perfect position to watch the acrobats swing, flip, and dance through the air like they weren’t nearly 50 feet off the ground.  
Their costumes sparkled as the two men twirled and spun off each other. Eventually, one threw the other into a space of empty air, and the whole crowd gasped with Gavin as a third man came out of nowhere, swinging on a ring and saving the man from falling.  
The man on the ring then split his own ring into three separate circles, handing them off to the two other men as they began a choreographed piece that spun and twirled, giving the main stage to the third man, whose roped ring began a wide pendulum swing.  
Gavin felt like he was in a dream, watching the glittery, masked men dance in the sky like untouchable gods.  
He blinked when an arm snapped over the edge of the balcony just in front of him, the third masked man adjusting himself in order to make another gliding jump.  
Forgetting how horrifying he must look with all the bandages and stitches on his face, Gavin leaned forward almost unconsciously.  
The costume had a large triangular cut over the chest, revealing strong muscles and beads of sweat on his skin that shone just as bright as the costume itself in the light. The mask was covered in bells and tassels, but with a wide opening around the eyes so that there was no chance he couldn’t see where he was going.  
Their eyes met briefly, and Gavin thought he saw the man smirk before diving off the balcony and flying into the center of the ring.  
Gavin was sure he had seen those shockingly bright blue eyes before, but he couldn’t remember where.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“So, what’d you think?” Cole asked, finding Gavin in his spot even after most of the crowd had cleared away.  
“That was the most incredible thing I’ve ever seen.”  
“I knew it would be!”  
“Those flying acrobats… how do they learn to do that?” Gavin exclaimed, “they were like birds!”  
“The trapeze artists are definitely our best bit,” Cole said, grinning, “are you interested in doing what they do?”  
“Hell no!” Gavin shook his head vigorously, his heartbeat speeding up as he realized he hadn’t even thought about what he could do while watching, and now he was going to get in trouble.  
“Why not?”  
“Afraid of heights.”  
“I see. Yeah, it takes an iron will to do what those brothers do.”  
“They’re all brothers?”  
Cole nodded, leaning against the box and staring across the arena at the hanging ropes, “the older two, Connor and Nolan, are twins. They’re kinda weird, honestly, they can finish each other’s sentences and always seem to know where the other is. I think it’s a twin sense thing…”  
“What about the third one?” Gavin asked almost too hastily.  
“Rich? He’s in a league all his own. The twins acknowledge it and let him have the main stage for a good portion of their routine. They’ve really got a good sense for their strengths, and he’s the best of them for sure.”  
“Oh, I know,” Gavin whispered.  
Cole laughed, “okay, if you aren’t interested in flying through the air like a bird with the brothers, I’m sure there’s something else that caught your eye?”  
“I loved all of it.”  
“A bit overwhelming, isn’t it?”  
“I hardly saw the pieces for the performance,” Gavin admitted sheepishly, “and I had a hard time seeing myself doing… that.”  
Gavin gestured at the whole arena as he said this, hoping what he meant would come across.  
“You won’t be doing ‘that’ anytime soon, don’t worry,” Cole pat his knee, “we’ve got to get you well acquainted with your skill first, then we have to wean you off of stage fright before we put you in front of people.”  
“I’m just no good at anything. The show was really interesting and I’m grateful that you and Hank are helping me… but I really am a useless waste of space.”  
“What did I tell you about talking like that?” Cole interrupted.  
“You told me not to.”  
“That’s right. You don’t have to know what you like. You don’t have to be good at anything right now. To be good at something you need to work at it, and that’s what we’re going to do, got it?”  
“Yes, sir.”  
“No- don’t call me sir. That feels wrong.”  
“Okay,” Gavin turned off the box and hopped down next to Cole, noticing that he wasn’t as much taller than himself than he had previously believed.  
“We’ll just have you try everything- except the trapeze stuff- and something should click,” Cole said, laughing when Gavin looked at the ropes with wide eyes.  
“Are you agreed to that?” Cole asked coolly as they stepped out of the tent and walked among the mingling crowds that were still loitering about the circus grounds.  
“Yeah.”  
“Perfect! We start tomorrow.”


	4. Not Entirely Useless

He started with the jugglers, but they weren’t very patient with him when he couldn’t put together three rice-sack balls into a circle after three hours of practice.  
The band offered all sorts of spots to him, but he had no desire to play an instrument, even if it had sounded fun during the performance. He really just didn’t want to embarrass himself because he was perfectly aware that he had no sense of rhythm.  
The balancing acts liked him well enough, but when he nearly broke his arm doing their simplest stunt, Cole decided to try him elsewhere.  
“Maybe you could work with the dancers,” he suggested.  
“I’d be the only boy. That’s…” Gavin didn’t finish the sentence.  
“We don’t care what it looks like, here. Do you see how we dress? We’ve got male fire-dancers in dresses and we’ve got female magicians in pants, does it matter?”  
“I- well- I guess not- but”  
“It’s okay, you’re not comfortable, we’ll find something else. We’ve got loads of acts.”  
Gavin followed, feeling more and more miserable with each step.  
He couldn’t do anything. Cole knew it, and now the whole circus knew it. Why was he still trying?  
“We also have a bunch of sideshows, you know. We could try you with the fire dancers first because that’s really cool and there are men there. Then, if you’d like, you can work with the magicians. They always like someone to practice their tricks on, so that’s definitely an option…”  
“Cole!”  
Hank strode up to them brusquely, passing through the semi-chaotic set up of tents and scramble of people milling through them. “It’s time to rehearse with the animals.”  
Snapping a pocket watch out of his left breast pocket, Cole snorted, “lost track of the time, Pops, sorry.”  
“Bring Gavin, maybe he’d like to watch what we do.”  
“I’ve been meaning to ask, actually,” Cole turned to Gavin as they cut through the soothsayer’s tent to get to the animals’ stables, “how did the animal dancing turn out?”  
“It was funny,” Gavin said, shrugging. He was far more eager to see the animals up close than watch whatever it was that Hank and Cole did with them.  
“But?” Cole encouraged him to continue.  
“I could tell that you were giving them commands, which broke the illusion a little bit, but it was funny so I didn’t really care.”  
Hank sighed, “they don’t really take to us that well. We used to have an amazing animal tamer.”  
“What happened to him? Did he die?”  
“Oh no, that’s not it!” Cole laughed along with Hank, “he met a fine girl who snuck in after the show to compliment him, and he decided to settle down and marry her!”  
“Fowler was crazy,” Cole snorted, “he literally only knew her for a week!”  
“Promise us that you won’t leave us for a girl, Gavin,” Cole smacked his back lightly.  
“I really don’t think you need to worry about that,” Gavin smiled weakly, “I’m sure I won’t.”  
“Good boy!”  
Hank unlocked the ramshackle stable house and let them in. The key was unnecessarily big, and so was the lock.  
Gavin had never seen so many exotic animals in his life. There were peacocks and birds of paradise and enormous snakes and lizards. There were zebras and panthers and elk and even reindeer.  
“Like what you see?” Cole grinned.  
“I’ve only read about them in books!” Gavin ran to a cage with a rhinoceros inside, “this is the most incredible thing I’ve ever seen!”  
“I should’ve taken you here first,” Cole was laughing now.  
“What do you mean, read about them? Have you studied zoology?” Hank asked curiously as they entered a small ring.  
“I’ve read a lot of zoology books. When I was younger it was just for the pictures.”  
Gavin felt embarrassed now, not wanting to act like he knew more than Hank and Cole, who actually worked with the living, breathing creatures every day.  
“That’s really good!” Hank grinned, “you can read--write too--I assume, maybe you could help out some of the other kids here who don’t know how to read in your spare time. They’d love that. We could even invest in some books for the company.”  
Gavin nodded noncommittally. He definitely wouldn’t be a good teacher, but he didn’t want Cole to get on him for saying something negative about himself.  
“Sit up there, would you?” Hank said, pointing to a couple of seats a few feet off the ground tucked in a set of wooden stands, “it’s an imitation of the closest seats in the big tent for when we practice our performances.”  
Crawling up to the rickety wooden chair, Gavin leaned forward eagerly as Cole ushered out the three tigers from the night before. They stayed in a tight group, the cat in the center looking especially irritable.  
They two groups circled each other thoughtfully until Hank placed a small whistle in his mouth and blew, the sound only heard by the cats.  
Gavin could tell they heard something, because on of them hissed.  
“They’ve been fed, right?” Cole asked, holding out his long stick switch as a warning to the large beasts.  
“Yeah. I fed them just a few hours ago.”  
Hank pulled out the bars and rings that they used for the cats to jump through, holding a ring out and blowing the whistle in a series of patterns from what Gavin could tell.  
Two of the cats obeyed reluctantly, while the third, much more angry tiger, refused.  
Cole came up behind it, ushering it forward with his switch.  
Gavin frowned, feeling uncomfortable as he observed how the training process was enacted. Surely there was a better way to get the animals to perform? They didn’t have to hurt them…  
The tiger roared at Cole as he smacked its rear with his switch. It wouldn’t budge.  
“Keep going with the other two if you can, I’ll try and get this one to cooperate,” Cole waved at Hank, cornering the creature and upsetting it even more.  
Cole grabbed what looked like a large stick covered in a rug from a dark corner, holding it out to the tiger and poking it until it bit down on the piece. It only bit for a moment before releasing the soft stick, spitting violently at Cole as he got closer. It was obvious that he was trying to get close enough to see what was wrong, but the tiger wasn’t having it, even going as far as swiping at Cole with claws extended.  
Gavin could sense that something bad was going to happen soon. He thought hard about what he had been observing. The tigers had just been fed. They had the bloody stains on their chins to prove it.  
Looking closer, Gavin saw that the tiger Cole was trying to inspect had no such stains. Had the other tigers stolen its meal?  
Unlikely, since they had been protecting the tiger not long ago, grouping around it like tiger cubs would when facing danger.  
“Come on, stop being so damn difficult!” Cole whacked the tiger across the head to assert his dominance over the situation.  
“Stop!” Gavin yelled, stumbling from his chair and onto the floor, almost in front of the tigers that Hank was still walking with.  
Cole glanced back, the tiger’s claws catching on the carpet stick and pulling it out of his grasp.  
“It’s in pain, don’t hit its face!”  
“What?” Cole and Hank exchanged glances.  
Gavin’s heart was pounding as he slowly walked up to where Cole stood.  
“Look at its mouth, it hasn’t eaten. It wouldn’t bite the soft stick. It probably has an abscess in its mouth or a bad tooth.”  
“What do we do about it?” Hank asked, looking at Cole, who shrugged.  
“I only know the basics, and that’s for people.”  
“It’s the same,” Gavin insisted, “if it’s a bad tooth, you’ll need to pull it out!”  
“There’s no way anyone can get that close,” Cole countered, “unless you want to try?”  
Gavin did not like the glint in his eyes when he said this, but based on what he had just seen, perhaps he could. He would at least approach it differently from their brutal methods.  
“Get me a wrench or a clamp,” Gavin decided against his own better judgment.  
“Wait, are you serious?” Hank frowned, looking over at Cole, “the animals are dangerous-”  
“You’ve been throwing me at every single one of your acts for days!” Gavin exclaimed angrily, “I’m showing an interest in something, just let me try!”  
The building frustration finally blew its top, spilling out at that moment, surrounded by man-eating tigers.  
“You got it, boss,” Cole nodded, stepping away from the tiger slowly and running off to get what Gavin had asked for.  
In the meantime, he pulled the stick and the switch away from the suffering tiger and chucked them into the corner, showing his hands and crouching down to the creature’s level.  
“Don’t worry, I won’t hurt you,” Gavin cooed, slowly getting closer as the tiger shrank against the back wall, confused at the new face.  
It swiped at him as soon as he was in range, a large talon-like claw clipping into his leg and tearing open his flesh.  
He didn’t even flinch, holding out an arm to stop Hank, who immediately started forward, forgetting about the two tigers in his charge. He had experienced worse.  
“See, it’s okay,” Gavin put his knees to the ground in order to preserve his leg, which was now bleeding into his pants. He held out his hands toward the tiger, who swiped at them again, but this time with no claws.  
It was curious. Gavin hadn’t punished it for hurting him.  
Cole came back, slowly handing Gavin the large pliers he needed if it was, in fact, a rotting tooth. The tiger got angry again at the sight of Cole, but when Gavin forced him to back off, its ears perked up again and Gavin slid even closer. Close enough to touch its soft head.  
It flinched at first, but then pressed its head into Gavin’s hand when he massaged it gently.  
“I want to help you,” Gavin pulled up his shirt sleeve and held out his arm to the tiger’s lips.  
It bit on his arm so softly the fangs barely even touched his skin.  
Gavin saw the bad tooth- one of the main incisors.  
He touched the tooth and the tiger growled at him.  
“Let me help you,” Gavin rubbed his hands across the tiger’s face, fascinated with how smooth its fur was. This was so much better than the books he had read on them.  
Pulling the tiger’s head into a lock between his arms, Gavin pulled open the lips of its mouth and moved to grab the bad tooth with his pliers against the tiger’s strong resistance.  
Pressing his face into the tiger’s head to give himself a tighter hold, he got a grip on the tooth and easily pulled it out.  
The tiger rumbled loudly and bit down on Gavin’s arm again, then rubbed its mouth against him as if testing if it could bite again, never breaking the skin the entire time.  
Gavin held out the tooth for the tiger to sniff. It let out a deep, bumpy rumble from its throat, pressing its nose into Gavin’s face and snorting.  
The other tigers quickly approached Gavin, making similar sounds as they investigated him, sniffing him and snorting at him between pleasant rolling rumbles as he stroked their faces and scratched their chins.  
The tiger with the bad tooth even began licking Gavin’s wounded leg, trying to make it better. Almost as if it were apologizing.  
“Oh my god,” Hank whispered.  
“I think we found his thing,” Cole agreed with an air of reverence as they watched in awe.


	5. A Brand New Mask

“I still don’t get it,” Cole said, leaning against the bars of the tigers’ cage while Gavin led them in, all three following him like ducklings. They had stood by him patiently while Cole had bound up his scratch, which had proven not to be very deep and did not require stitches, and had even checked Cole’s work to make sure it was living up to their standards.  
Whatever those were.  
Hank had run off to do business elsewhere in the meantime.  
“I don’t know… it just felt wrong to hurt them when they weren’t doing what you wanted,” Gavin shrugged, not wanting to admit that he had no real reason for what he had done. It had come so naturally to him that he hadn’t even thought twice about approaching the tiger.  
“They seem to like you enough just for that. But I don’t know how effective kindness is when it comes to getting our animals to perform.”  
“Maybe I can try and figure out a different way?” Gavin suggested, the wet noses of the large cats pressing into his hands as they begged for his attention.  
“You want to be our new animal tamer?” Cole asked with a toothy grin.  
Gavin looked down at the tigers, “maybe I can just start with them?”  
“We aren’t going to dump all the animals on you at once, kid!”  
Cole slapped a hand on Gavin’s shoulder, immediately pulling back when Gavin flinched, “that sounds like a perfect start, tiger boy.”  
They walked out of the miniature zoo after Gavin had a chance to quickly see all the other animals locked within. Eventually, Cole had been forced to usher Gavin out of the stable like a child that didn’t want to leave a carnival.  
The circus grounds were totally empty except for a few stragglers who were probably up to no good.  
“Come on, I bet you’re hungry,” Cole directed him away from the show tents and to the living quarters where the town’s vendors had gathered to host the circus.  
“Where is everyone?” Gavin asked, feeling uneasy at the complete silence that was only interrupted by the occasional slap of tent tarp in the wind.  
Even the lights were off.  
“Is something wrong?” Gavin asked, slowing down until Cole was several paces in front of him.  
“No no, I bet the others just went into town since tonight was our last performance.”  
Gavin accepted the idea without much thought, too distracted by the eerie rustling.  
“Are you sure?”  
“SURPRISE!!”  
Gavin jumped about five feet in the air as the lights switched on and a horde of brightly colored costumes and clothes rushed at him before he could even react properly.  
“Welcome to our family!” They cheered haphazardly, spinning him around and draping him in flowers and dusting him with colored chalk.  
“I heard you’re the new animal tamer?”  
“Someone told me he strangled that grumpy old lion while he was acting up-”  
“He strangled our lion?”  
“No-he put the lion in a head-lock like a man! Showed him what for!”  
“You’re the craziest of us all!”  
“Hurrah for the lion tamer!”  
“Lion Tamer! Lion Tamer! Lion Tamer!” The crowd cheered and chanted, dancing to a simple radio blasting some music that was barely discernible through the static.  
“Our hero!”  
“Look at his battle wounds!”  
“Did the lion do that to you?”  
“Be careful with him! You might mess up his bandages!”  
“You look like a mummy!”  
“You’re the coolest Lion Tamer I’ve ever seen. How long have you been working with big cats?”  
“What’s your name?”  
“Where are you from?”  
“Congratulations!”  
Gavin’s mind span as he tried to keep up with everyone, but he was growing quickly irritated at the constant attention- attention that wasn’t really directed at him but was all about him. He couldn’t leave, but no one was actually trying to talk with him.  
It wasn’t an unfamiliar feeling.  
Slinking toward a booth in the corner, Gavin hoped to sneak himself a bite to eat before someone else noticed him and tried to make him dance again.  
“...come on now, I’m sure some pretty ladies like yourself would enjoy some better company than this cake-eater pretty boy.”  
“Come on Sheba, I’ll give you a fun time.”  
“Knock it off!”  
“Cut it out pretty boy, you’ll get what’s comin’ to ya.”  
Gavin dared to peek around the edge of the booth, where three scraggly, ugly looking men were bearing down on two younger girls and one of the trapeze artists. He could tell immediately from the residual make-up on his face and the flashing of his costume underneath a loose shirt.  
“Look, we aren’t interested,” one of the women hollered, trying to pull her slight wrist away from his grip, only to have a chunk of her blue hair grabbed instead to stop her struggling.  
She yelled out, but her yelling didn’t sound much different from the singing and screaming coming from the center of the party.  
Gavin hardly knew what to do. His legs felt like jelly and he knew he had the courage of a mouse when it came to situations like this.  
“Naw, yer just playin’ coy, mistress,” one of the men sneered, his greasy mustache quivering as he spoke.  
“She’s sayin we ain’t interested in yer type!”  
The brown-haired girl spat in his face, “did I speak in a thick enough accent for ya to get it through yer thick skull?”  
Throwing her to the ground, the man raised a fist to smack her, only to be stopped by the trapeze artist, who’s superior strength shocked the man, who was at least twice the circus boy’s girth.  
“Let them go, you dirty scoundrels!”  
“What, are you all that type of queer, then? Is that what a circus is?” The man yelped, trying to pull away, while the other men came forward to aid him, forgetting the girls entirely.  
“Get out of here!” The trapeze artist yelled, sending the girls on their way.  
“You can’t take us all on by yourself!”  
“He’s not by himself.”  
Gavin stood in the line of light between the booths, the shadows casting perfect lines over his face so that his injuries looked even more haunting and grotesque.  
“Who’re you?” One of the men demanded, taking a step back.  
“What’s up with your face?”  
“What makes you think you’ll be much help, invalid?”  
Gavin’s heart raced, but something about this interaction filled him with bravery he didn’t know he had.  
“Don’t you know what this party’s all about?” He asked with a tight grin, hoping for the reaction he assumed this would illicit.   
The men exchanged glances, loosening their grip on the trapeze artist until he was able to free himself. This increased Gavin's confidence significantly.  
“Are you the new guy they keep yelling about?”  
“The lion tamer?”  
Gavin forced a hard laugh, “didn’t you hear? I strangled a lion just a few hours ago. They do put up a fight, but you shouldn’t be so hard.”  
The men ran before Gavin ran out of material. He nearly feel to his knees the moment they turned their backs. He hadn’t the slightest idea what had come over him.  
“That. Was. Incredible.”  
The trapeze artist was walking up to him now. One of the twins based off of his dark eye color.  
“The name’s Connor, I don’t think we’ve had the pleasure of officially meeting.”  
“Right,” Gavin barely remembered that first night on the train. Had Connor actually seen him? He was sure he had been hiding behind Cole the entire time.  
“Gavin.”  
“It’s a right pleasure to meet the lion tamer,” Connor grinned, “did’ya actually strangle our old lion?”  
“No. I just pulled out one of the tiger’s rotten teeth.”  
“That’s honestly even cooler, how did the true story get spoiled so fast?”  
Gavin shook his head, dumbfounded at Connor’s easy friendship. He spoke to Gavin as if they were old friends.  
“I bet no-one’s leavin’ you alone. I know a way out of here… and I know where all the hookups are.”  
“You don’t mean-”  
“I do mean it, bub. The world of speak-easies is very well known to us circus folk. You can get a drought any day of the week.” “And,” Connor added with a soft jab of his elbow into Gavin’s arm, “it’ll get you out of this mess of a party. How does that sound?”  
“Amazing.”  
“Haha, that’s what I thought!”  
Connor was practically beaming at him, his fading makeup giving his face an even brighter glow to it.  
“Hey! Where’d they go?”  
Three girls rushed to them, their dresses swishing behind them as they approached.  
“Gavin scared them off!”  
“Gavin… you’re the new guy!”  
A new woman with hair blonder than Gavin had ever seen before gave him a hug before he could politely reject it.  
“Careful, Chloe!”  
Connor delicately separated them, checking Gavin’s face to make sure none of the bandages had slipped, “he’s fragile!”  
Little did he know that the more tender pains were hidden beneath his clothes. A week away and many of the dark welts were just beginning to heal.  
“The lion tamer saved you?” The blue girl was back, her hand tightly wound in her companion’s hand.  
“He scared them off with his stitches!” Connor said, “they would’a probably beat the tar out of me if it hadn’t been for him.”  
“You’re amazing!” the brown-haired lady nodded politely, “thanks for stepping in!”  
“Your legs are shaking, darling!” The blonde said, putting a delicate hand on his shoulder, “are you okay?”  
Gavin nodded, the adrenaline rush still coursing through him violently from the near physical encounter.  
“Hey, you know what would chill him down?” Connor waggled his eyebrows suggestively.  
“Lord, Connor, you know what’ll happen if Nolan catches you drinking again tonight.”  
“It’s not for me, though!”  
“Okay, but when Nolan finds us, it isn’t my problem, got it?” The blonde punched his shoulder and they started to walk in the same direction the men had run.  
“Where are we going?” Gavin asked hesitantly, not moving as he watched them.  
“Into town! Come on! If we don’t hurry they’ll run out of booze!”  
Gavin nodded and tripped on his way to catch up with them.  
“My name is Chloe, by the way,” the blonde-haired woman held out her hand for a shake, “I’m the knife thrower.”  
“And I’m Tracey,” the blue-haired one chirped, “and this is Traci. We’re her assistants.”  
Gavin blinked.  
The girls laughed.  
“Yeah, it’s kinda weird, huh?” Connor said with a snort, “it’s a good thing they’re always together or else I’d have to figure out a different way of calling them.”  
“Just think of it as two names in one go,” Chloe laughed airily.  
“I dyed my hair blue so it’d be easier for other people,” Traci added, “so if you need one of us specifically, call me Blue-”  
“And call me Coco.”  
Gavin nodded.  
“Do you have a nickname, Gavin?”  
“They keep calling me the Lion Tamer…?”  
“Who cares what they’re saying. I mean… do you want us to call you something different?”  
No one had ever asked him that before.  
“Just Gavin is fine.”  
“Alright ‘Just Gavin’,” Connor ruffled his hair, but pulled away quickly when Gavin flinched.  
“Oh, I’m sorry- did I hurt something?”  
“No no…” Gavin rushed to apologize, “I’m just really jumpy and I’m not used to being around… touchy people…”  
It was a partial truth, but Gavin wasn’t willing to go into the nasty details right then. Nor ever, if he had the choice.  
“Oh man, you won’t like being around Connor, then,” Traci said, swinging her obtrusively bright dress covered in ruffles as they found a lighted street.  
“Come on, Traci, we don’t want to get noticed!” Tracey giggled, her own dress covered in beads and bright fabric shining far brighter than the former’s.  
Taking wide strides to keep up with the energetic crowd, Gavin found himself in a damp side alley with a scantily dressed woman leaning against a door.  
“Want a fun time, Lady’s Man?” She asked, stroking a gloved hand across Connor’s cheek.  
“No thanks, I’m just here to spend a dime.”  
“How ‘bout you ladies?” The woman tilted her head coquettishly, “I could give you an evening no man ever could.”  
Chloe took her hand, “let my friends in, and I could show you a thing or two.”  
The woman closed her eyes, holding Chloe’s hand to her mouth.  
“Your wish is my command. Welcome to the underground.”


	6. Don't Ever Go Alone... Unless You're Stubborn and Introverted

The basement room was decently filled with people, most of whom were actually from the circus, which didn’t surprise Gavin at all considering the hour.  
Members of the circus were clear standouts from the grey shadows and half-lives of the other drunks lurking in the corners of the room. Their clothes lit up the place and they laughed and sung with the tired band, and they weren’t even playing any lyrical tunes.  
“Connor! I thought we’d see you here!” A man waved from the other side of the room, two women draped over his shoulders. One of them stroked his mustache and distracted him from saying much more.  
“When’s Nolan gonna come pick you up, bub?” A darker-skinned man asked, throwing out a chair next to him to show he had space for them to sit.  
Glancing back, Gavin noticed that both Traci and Tracey had disappeared, and Chloe was dancing across the main floor with the woman from the entrance.  
“Slide this one a glass before me,” Connor said, jerking a thumb at Gavin while the man grabbed several mugs from a serving lady passing their way.  
“Where’s North and Simon?”  
“More important, is this the new guy? The zombie lion tamer who came to us half-dead the day the train broke down?”  
“Markus…”  
“I’m just wondering!” Markus leaned across the table, placing a thick mug in front of Gavin.  
“Yeah. That’s me, I guess.”  
Gavin wasn’t sure what else there was to say about it.  
“You guess?” Markus chuckled. Everything about his face was kind and calm. He looked like someone who had never raised their voice their entire life, and his curious, multi-colored eyes searched him with interest.  
“My name’s Markus, by the way. I’m the make-up artist.”  
“You do a good job,” Gavin nodded appreciatively while sniffing the foaming drink in front of him.  
“I do my best work on Connor, probably,” Markus sighed, “but he’s always messing it up!”  
“I can’t keep it perfect all day!” Connor argued good-naturedly.  
“All I’m saying is that you should respect art.”  
“I do! I do!”  
“If it isn’t Hank’s favorite little bird boy!” A sharp female voice interrupted.  
Two newcomers sat with them at the table after a quick game of rock paper scissors to determine who got to sit next to Markus now that Connor occupied the other side.  
“Loser has to make the beds,” the woman added as they struck down the game.  
The blonde man won, and he looked utterly shocked at the result.  
“Sit down then, Simon!”  
“This is North and Simon,” Markus gestured, “North is a fire juggler-”  
“Dancer,” she interrupted.  
“And Simon is one of the tailors that keeps up all the costumes.”  
“It’s a lot to keep track of,” Connor interrupted, “don’t feel bad if you don’t remember everyone.  
“You the new kid? The one that beats up kittens before breakfast?” North asked, her mouth full of crackers.  
“I heard that he’s a doctor for animals- has a degree from a school and everything,” Simon interjected.  
They looked at him.  
Gavin was tired of explaining. It was clear that information blew out of proportion around here.  
“Give him a break, guys, I took him here to help him get away from people, not to get interviewed.”  
Connor gave him a sideways glance as he said this, as if to check to see if he was okay.  
“Are you going to drink that?” He asked.  
“No… I don’t think so,” Gavin sighed, unable to muster the courage to do it. It made him sick just smelling it.  
“Alrighty then,” Connor took the mug, obviously happy to take the task upon himself, but before he could tip the glass back, a hand stopped it.  
“Here’s our favorite police bird!” North cheered sarcastically.  
Nolan had a grip on the mug and was now pulling it out of Connor’s hands.  
“You remembered we were going to work on our new sequence tonight, right?”  
“It’s a party tonight! Why can’t we just relax and sleep in and live life?”  
Connor pouted aggressively at his twin brother, who had slightly fewer freckles than Connor had, and his hair was still slicked back from the show.  
“It’s nearly morning, Connor. Besides, we’re going to have to practice the new sequence before they tear down our poles.”  
“But I’m trying to show Gavin a good time!”  
Nolan glanced at Gavin, nodding at him politely, “I’m sure he’s appreciated it, but he honestly looks like he’d rather be sleeping right now than interacting with another person for another moment. Not everyone feeds off the energy of social life like you do, Connor.”  
While Nolan seemed overall very grumpy, Gavin agreed with him. He just wanted to go back to sleep, and he couldn’t bear the idea of staying with Markus and his gang.  
“Come on, Rich is waiting for us.”  
Gavin’s head stole a glance at the entrance, where Richard stood with arms folded. The dim light of the basement hid him almost entirely, only outlining his broad shoulders and a sprinkle of highlights across his cheeks and nose.  
“I’d actually like to go back,” Gavin said quietly, not wanting to insult the others.  
“Come on then,” Nolan seemed absolutely delighted that he was right about the situation, “we always walk in groups.”  
“Why?”  
Everyone exchanged glances.  
“There are a lot of people who love the circus and everything inside,” Markus spoke up, “but there are also plenty of people who disagree with what we represent.”  
Gavin nodded sagely.  
“Don’t get caught alone. Ever,” North added.  
“You need to keep that in mind especially during our next stop,” Connor added, finally standing up to follow Nolan.  
“That is coming up, huh?” Simon nodded, pressing a fist to his lips pensively.  
“What?”  
“We have to make a train stop for one night in a smaller town that doesn’t really like us. We haven’t found any other routes that get us to all our popular stops, so we stake out for one night and just try to endure it.”  
“What do they do?” Gavin asked, feeling a weight of anxiety in his chest.  
“Just don’t go anywhere alone,” Markus repeated seriously, “we lose people that way.”  
Gavin clenched his fists. He knew immediately that Markus spoke from experience. The downcast eyes of everyone around him simply confirmed the thought. “I’m guessing it never occurred to you that being in the circus was dangerous?” Nolan asked, guiding Connor away from the table and gesturing for Gavin to follow.  
“I mean… not in that way.”  
“Yeah, well, it’s not usually bad at all. We get a little harassment here and there,” Connor said, adding his thoughts to the discussion, “but mostly we do very well!”  
“Anyway, I think you ought to get Cole to look at your face, your bandages look like they could use changing.”  
Nolan marched Connor up the stone steps and out into the empty street.  
“Am I bleeding?”  
“No… but keeping wounds like that clean might mean the difference between life or death.”  
“Stop scaring him!” Connor scolded.  
Gavin frowned but didn’t say anything. He knew what Nolan was talking about. Infection would be especially bad out here without as much access to good medicine.  
“Hey, where’d your brother go?” He asked casually, trying to change the subject.  
“He’s just ahead of us,” Nolan pointed, a light shirt was just visible in the darkness as they approached the still-rambunxious tents.  
“I thought you said it was bad to go alone?”  
“We’re right here.”  
“He’s a bit of a loner,” Connor added, “I think he tries to separate from us as much as possible because he’s with us all the time.”  
“He just doesn’t like being called our triplet.”  
“He doesn’t even look the same!”  
“I agree, but most people wouldn’t…”  
“Then they’re idiots, we don’t look anything alike!”  
Gavin slunk away from them as the argument escalated into frivolous nonsense that he didn’t want to get roped into.  
Stepping around the party tents, Gavin walked quickly across the trampled grounds, hunkering against the shadows cast by the ghostly event tents that hung like carcasses in the night now that there was no-one to man them.  
Just outside of the event area of the circus was the tight-knit communal tents. Some people could be seen walking in and out of tents groggily, likely to use one of several outhouses that had been dug for them. Others were in their tents, their silhouettes lit for the whole world to see.  
The entire area was filled with a jumble of nighttime noises, from snoring to sleep talking to soft moaning that was usually followed with yells from across the camp, including “stop humping like a bunch of dumb animals” and “take it to the stable and let us sleep, asshole”s.  
For some reason, it had grown on Gavin. It felt more comfortable than anything he had experienced before, despite the uncomfortable beds.  
Hank and Cole’s tent was in the center of the camp, just like they were the center of everyone’s lives in the camp.  
There was so much to understand about the relationship everyone had with them that Gavin had barely touched on himself. He felt selfish for not asking further about it, but he hadn’t exactly made any other friends in the circus until tonight.  
Untying the ropes and letting himself inside, Gavin was shocked to see Cole reading by candlelight. Their tent fabric was much thicker than some of the others, which is why it had been so perfectly disguised.  
“Gavin!” He grinned, setting down the letter, “how was the party!”  
“A bit much.”  
“Yeah, they are a bit much, aren’t they?”  
They both spoke softly so as not to disturb the sleep of anyone nearby.  
“Did you at least get to talk to anyone?” Cole asked, tipping the candle into a lantern to illuminate the room.  
“Yeah, I met Connor, Tracey and Traci, Chloe, Markus… uh… there were some people with him… and… Nolan…”  
“So you’ve met the brothers then?”  
“Not all of them.”  
“Rich didn’t say hi?”  
Cole shook his head as if he weren’t surprised, pulling out his first aid kit and patting the edge of his bed for Gavin to sit.  
“He was walking ahead of them. I don’t think he saw me with them.”  
“Don’t worry about it. He lives in his own little world most of the time. He’s not very talkative, actually. So if you’re into the strong silent type, I’d definitely go for him.”  
Gavin didn’t have an opportunity to make any sort of face in answer to this comment as Cole was pulling the dirty fabric from his face and it was much more painful than Gavin thought it would be.  
“I’m kidding, Gavin,” Cole added when Gavin didn’t make a sound.  
He looked at him curiously for only a moment before pouring some alcohol onto a rag and dabbing it into his stitches.  
“Damn, that hurts!” Gavin gasped, slapping his hand against his mouth reflexively.  
“Yeah, it hurts like hell, I know- I’m sorry.”  
“How do you even know how to do all this, anyway?” Gavin muttered, sucking in loudly when Cole pressed another dab into his lip, nearly interrupting him.  
“I learned it in the war.”  
“You fought in the war?”  
Gavin had to fight hard not to lick the stitches on his lip, the itching sensation driving him crazy as the alcohol slowly dried.  
Cole hummed to himself, nodding to the side as he poured more alcohol into the rag.  
“What was it like?”  
Now Cole was shaking his head, still humming as he pressed the cloth against Gavin’s nose.  
It wasn’t hard to understand that Cole didn’t want to talk about it, but that didn’t stop Gavin from having about a million other questions that he wanted to ask him.  
“I’m sorry I asked,” was all he could come up with. A trained response, more than anything.  
“Don’t be sorry. It’s just something that I find hard to talk about,” Cole lifted Gavin’s leg onto the bed and checked those bandages quickly before returning to his face, “I’m sure you understand.”  
“Yeah.”  
“Are you really okay with me being here? In your tent?” Gavin asked anxiously after a brief pause in the conversation.  
“Of course.”  
“Maybe I should be with the others…”  
“Why?”  
“They might think I’m getting special privileges or something.”  
A low, breathy laugh escaped through Cole’s nose at the statement.  
“All newcomers spend time with us in our tent until they find their place.”  
“Well, I’m working with the animals now, so maybe I should-”  
“Be with the people who also work with the animals?” Cole raised an eyebrow, tightening the fresh bandages on his head and across his nose.  
Gavin felt his cheeks warm.  
“Oh.”  
“Unless you want to spend time with your new friends, it’s not like you have to sleep in this tent with us… but we do try to organize the tents by act.”  
“No, I- I’m fine,” Gavin decided.  
“Good. Remind me to get you to the tailors so that we can get you in some clean clothes.”  
Cole pat Gavin’s shoulder lightly.  
“Okay.”  
“How’s the rest of you feeling?” He asked seriously when he saw Gavin flinch.  
“Still sore.”  
“Get some rest. Sleeping it off is the best remedy in my books.”  
Gavin nodded, wandering toward the makeshift bed he had been given until they arranged for his sleeping space and he was more moved in.  
Staring at the ceiling of the tent as he tried to get comfortable, Gavin heard the crinkle of paper as Cole began reading the paper he had been holding before.  
“Cole?”  
The crinkling paused.  
“Yes?”  
“Thank you.”


	7. The Mirror On The Wall Must Be Broken

“You should try this on!”  
“Give him some dazzle, Simon!”  
The train jerked and everyone tilted to the side, following the momentum perfectly except for Gavin, who fell over completely, his hands full of clothes to try on before they would be fitted.  
“I’ll need to start working on his Animal Tamer costume too, huh?” Simon mused, helping him up while Connor and Chloe gathered the fallen clothes.  
Everyone should be more tired than this. That’s all Gavin could think of while they laughed and threw more outfits at him.  
The entire circus had spent most of the morning tearing down the grounds and packing up into the train. Most of these same people didn’t even go to sleep the night before, but all it took was a short nap on the train and they were back in action. The only thing that gave them away were the rings under their eyes, but most of them wore makeup anyway, so Gavin was at a loss.  
“I’m not performing anytime soon.”  
“It takes me a while to put together a ringmaster suit, so I figure I should start now,” Simon explained through the pins in his mouth.  
“I’m not-”  
“There are three main leaders in a circus. The Master, the Apprentice, and the Animal Tamer,” Chloe said, “so that makes you a ringmaster.”  
“I can’t-”  
“You can’t yet.”  
Connor put his hands gently on Gavin’s shoulders, “but you will.”  
“We believe in you, Gavin,” Simon said with a smile, holding out a swath of colors against his chest.  
“You haven’t even seen me do anything yet.”  
“Why don’t you show us something during our next stop?” Connor suggested eagerly.  
“I’d love to see your tiger magic!” Chloe agreed.  
“What color is best?” Simon asked, glancing at two others who were sitting on a couch between two rows of hangars. The three of them were brothers, Simon being the oldest.  
“Hmmm... What do you think, Ralph?” The first brother asked, turning to the youngest, who shook slightly and had a nasty scar on his face. He looked no older than 14. Gavin wondered if his scars would look just as bad.  
“I think he ought to look like the tigers. He said he liked the tigers. That’s what he said last night, I mean,” he paused, looking at the first, “as that okay, Daniel?”  
“Yeah, that’s fine. Maybe a dark orange or blood orange?”  
“For highlights, that could be good. Maybe we could get edgy with it,” Simon suggested, “he could be the dark horse.”  
“Oh that is a good idea!” Daniel agreed, glancing at Ralph again and putting his hand on his knee, “don’t you agree?”  
“Oh yes! Oh yes!” Ralph nodded exaggeratedly.  
Gavin was hardly paying attention anymore. He was sweating just a touch more aggressively than he had earlier when Simon made him strip down to his striped boxer shorts and stained undershirt.  
He had asked for privacy, but when Simon had informed him that he and his brothers would at least have to stay to arrange everything and do the fitting, Gavin had given up the fight. It wasn’t worth the energy, so Gavin had peeled off his filthy clothes and waited for someone to comment on the heavy bruising on his legs and arms. He was practically decorated in them.  
No one made a comment. No one even looked twice.  
Now his exposed abuse was the last thing on his mind as his brain spun one thought over and over, hoping to kill it if he did it enough times.  
He couldn’t be like Hank or Cole. They were too good. They were respected. They were adults. He was a child. He didn’t know how he was supposed to translate his very limited knowledge of zoology into a show that people would love.  
Gavin knew he would fail, and then he would lose all of the friends he had just gained. They would kick him out of the circus and then he would be back to square one… so why even bother putting himself through all that misery? Maybe he could just leave now, while everyone still liked him. He didn’t have to ruin the circus for anyone else that way.  
“What do you think?” Simon asked, turning Gavin toward a mirror. Daniel and Ralph stood around him eagerly as he gazed at the beginnings of a performance outfit.  
“Put your arms through here,” Simon instructed, holding out pinned sleeves.  
“That looks so cool, Simon!” Connor said, smiling brightly, “you’re the king of the tigers, now, Gavin!”  
The shiny black leather with the red cape and red-orange highlights hung in front of him, only the beginning of an idea, but already overwhelming.  
“It’s really big…”  
“Don’t worry! That’s what we’re here for!” Simon grinned, motioning for Daniel and Ralph to come over. They pinched the legs together and the sleeves, giving a better idea of the fit.  
“This is closer to the cut I’m thinking of. Looks a lot better when it fits, huh?”  
Gavin nodded, barely recognizing himself in the mirror. The costume looked like it was pinned to a child who had just seen a ghost. Was that why they were all being so nice to him? Because he had bandages all over and he looked sick?  
“I really like it,” Ralph beamed, “we will make it look so pretty!”  
“You look amazing,” Chloe agreed with a simple nod of her head.  
Gavin had stopped asking why. These people were far too good at creating reasons for why they felt the need to shower him with empty compliments. He didn’t even know these people.  
“Can I go now?” He asked hesitantly.  
“Sure, now that I’ve got your measurements we can get you some clothes in the next town over-”  
“Well, not the next town…” Daniel interrupted.  
“Right, not the next town, the one after that,” Simon corrected himself.  
“Here are your clothes!” Ralph handed them to Gavin with an overly excited look in his eyes, “we’ll make your costume look as handsome and swell as you!”  
Gavin pressed his lips together, only thinking clearly enough to nod.  
“I’m surprised Ralph warmed up to you so quickly,” Connor said as they walked out of the car and toward the rear of the train, the bridges swinging and creaking suspiciously as they quickly transitioned between cars.  
“Yeah, he’s a really shy kid. He never looks me in the eye,” Cloe noted.  
“Maybe it’s because I look all messed up like him,” Gavin said more bluntly than he had intended.  
“That could be true,” Connor finally broke the silence, “maybe he sees you and relates to that. I’m not sure, we’d have to ask him.”  
The only answer to his statement was the consistent clip of the train’s wheels hitting rail ties.  
“Look, I’m really tired, I think I’m gonna take a rest, okay?” Gavin decided, but not wanting to go all the way to the back of the train just to get to Hank and Cole’s passenger car.  
“Are you sure? I bet they just started making supper and-”  
Chloe jabbed Connor in the ribs.  
“That’s fine! You look pretty tired. The first few months on the circus are tough. Most of us have to build up the stamina to make it work.”  
“Yeah. I’m sorry. Maybe tomorrow?’ Gavin glanced at Connor, feeling exhaustion take over as he felt how close he was to finally being alone.  
“I’ll save you a spot if you decide to join us!” Connor promised.  
Gavin followed them only until they passed a bathroom. He shut himself inside and waited for them to leave the car before turning around and heading towards the front.  
“You’re back!” Ralph grinned, looking up from whatever he was scribbling on a large sheet of construction paper. He was actually surprisingly good- there were a series of costumes with the same color structure and cut that had been suggested for his costume.  
“Don’t look! I want it to be a surprise!” He covered the paper quickly, frowning at Gavin.  
“I promise I didn’t see,” Gavin said with a genuine smile.  
Simon and Daniel were busy in the corner, only giving Gavin a polite nod before returning to their work.  
“I’ll let you see, actually,” Ralph admitted with a childish grin, “but only if you let me see your cracks.”  
“My…?” Gavin quickly realized what he meant, and he could see out of the corner of his eye both Daniel and Simon tensing up in their chairs.  
“Like mine!”  
Ralph pointed to his face and rolled up his sleeve to show more scarring there. Now that Gavin had gotten closer, he could see that one of his eyes was glazed over with white where the scar hit the lid and crossed over the eye.  
Gavin wasn’t really sure how to respond, but Ralph’s eagerness softened his heart.  
“Sure, but this is just between you and me right now, okay?”  
“Okay! Okay!” Ralph put a finger to his lips, “secret!”  
Untying the piece of cloth that was tight against his nose and propped above his ears, Gavin slowly pulled the piece away, revealing the tight row of thick stitches that Cole had used to pull his face back together.  
“I love your crack!” Ralph exclaimed, putting his hands over his mouth quickly as he remembered he had promised to keep quiet.  
“I love your crack,” he repeated in a whisper.  
“Why?”  
“Because I love you.”  
Gavin blinked, “how can you love me? We don’t know each other.”  
“Yes, we do!” Ralph nodded aggressively, “I’m Ralph! You know me! I know you today, and that means I know you forever.”  
“But-”  
“You know Ralph. You know Ralph’s cracks. Not a lot of people know cracks like my cracks… but you do!” Ralph grinned, proud of himself for saying something smart.  
“I do know your cracks,” Gavin replied so quietly he wasn’t sure if he had actually spoken, “and I guess that means I know you, too.”  
“I told you so!” Ralph cheered.  
Those words echoed in Gavin’s ears as he continued down the line of cars. They were louder than the train horn. Louder than the wheels. Louder than the engine.  
Reaching the animal cars, Gavin found the tigers’ cage quickly, having put them there in the first place.  
They knew he was coming before he even arrived at the front of the bars.  
It was dark, but he could hear them grunting and snorting while rubbing their bodies against the iron bars.  
“Do you like my cracks, too?” Gavin murmured, sitting next to the cage and scratching the nearest furry body to his hand.


	8. There Seems To Be A Hand-Holding Policy

When the train stopped that evening Gavin was barely conscious of it. He had slipped in and out of sleep, the hay spilling out from the tigers’ cage providing just enough cushion that Gavin had finally succumbed to his exhaustion.  
Anxiety-ridden thoughts did that to him.  
“I wondered if I would find you here,” a calm voice said, shocking Gavin into rushed wakefulness.  
“Hey, don’t worry,” Hank smiled, holding up a lantern to his face, “it’s just me.”  
The lantern didn’t do much to make his appearance less terrifying, the sharp shadows from the light casting a ghoulish expression onto his peaceful face.  
“Sorry.”  
Gavin wasn’t sure why he was apologizing.  
“For what, son?”  
When Gavin didn’t answer, Hank sighed, “well, Connor has been raising one hell of a fit because he can’t find you. He thinks it’s something he said.”  
“No, no. I just wanted to be alone.”  
“Not too much of a people person, are ya?”  
“No…”  
Gavin wondered if this would be enough to explain why he believed he wasn’t cut out for the job that had been thrust upon him. They were expecting far too much.  
“Don’t worry about it. Everyone needs alone time. Cole does…. Plenty of our acts do… take our flying trapeze birds for example!”  
“Connor isn’t exactly a great example of someone who needs alone time.”  
“Oh no, you’re right. Connor is by far the most outgoing of the bunch. I mean Nolan, but especially Richard. That boy won’t talk to anyone except for a select few. It’s just his way, and that’s okay.”  
Gavin nodded, somehow feeling both reassured and discouraged at the same time. This Richard guy wasn’t actually real, was he?  
“I don’t know....” The words came out like a plea for help. His insecurity winning him over.  
“You don’t have to know right now, Gavin!” Hank laughed, “your future world is full of mystery, and that’s what makes it fun!”  
“Huh?”  
Hank shook his head, holding out his hand, “that’s what my wife used to tell me all the time, don’t mind me.”  
“Where is she?” Gavin asked stupidly, taking the offered help and following Hank toward the exit of the train.  
“She passed away several years ago.”  
“Oh.”  
Gavin felt his cheeks warm with embarrassment. He should’ve figured that out, he shouldn’t have asked, that was so incredibly nosy and rude of him--  
“She actually gave me her entire estate and told me to do something she would love with the money,” Hank continued, “so I started up this circus, since she loved the circus.”  
“It’s a wonderful circus,” Gavin said.  
“It’s more than a circus. It’s my family, Gavin,” Hank placed a hand on his shoulder, “and we consider you part of our family.”  
“I hope I live up to your expectations,” Gavin said morosely, his mind wandering into dangerous memories.  
“You already are.”  
“Okay,” Gavin forced himself to accept the words, regardless of how hard it was to convince himself that they were true.  
They walked in silence as they approached the knot of tents huddled against the edge of the train near the station. The sound of people shoveling new coal into the tender and dumping water into the tank scraped the air. The preparation would take several hours, and the engineers required several more hours rest after that.  
“Cole will be taking a few people into town for supplies. You need to go with him,” Hank said before they entered the cluster of living tents.  
“Why?”  
“Because a real doctor needs to look at your injuries.”  
“I thought this place was dangerous?” Gavin protested, feeling small next to Hank and not wanting to leave his side.  
“It’s not like everyone here hates us. I know the local doctor, he’s been good to us in the past. Just stay close to Cole and do whatever he tells you, okay?”  
Gavin nodded, his anxiety rocketing straight back up to the stars as he saw that he wouldn’t even have time to mentally prepare. Cole was walking toward them, a lamp in his hands.  
“Gavin!”  
Connor rushed up to him and stopped himself just before ramming into him like a bull.  
“Where were you? I looked everywhere for you! I’m so sorry if I said something that offended you or-”  
“No! It’s okay,” Gavin held up his hands defensively, “really, I just wanted to be alone for a bit.”  
“God, you’re just like my brother,” Connor sighed, “that’s okay! Just tell me next time, though, I won’t be offended! I know I can be a bit… overbearing sometimes.”  
“It’s not you, I promise. It’s just-”  
“He’s still adjusting, Connor,” Hank finished for Gavin, “give him a break.”  
“Right, sorry,” Connor laughed airily, obviously embarrassed.  
“I went to the animal cars,” Gavin said, hoping some explanation would make Connor feel better, “I wanted to spend time with the tigers…” because animals can’t lie to me.  
Gavin didn’t finish the sentence, but he thought it. Animals always told the truth about how they saw people, and Gavin respected that honesty more than anything else in the world.  
“I bet they loved that,” Cole chuckled, “they literally wouldn’t shut up after you left them in the car.”  
“Really?” Connor grinned, “that’s so cool, you should introduce me sometime!”  
“Connor, you’ve seen the tigers thousands of times--”  
“Sure,” Gavin said, interrupting Cole, “when I get back, meet me there, okay?”  
“Awesome!” Connor grinned, obviously appeased with the reconciliation they had just had between each other, though Gavin wasn’t sure what they had reconciled.  
“Connor!” A voice yelled from the tents. It wasn’t Nolan’s.  
“Coming! I just wanted to talk to Gavin!” He yelled back, standing up straighter, “hey, have fun in town and don’t get into trouble, alright?”  
“I promise not to burn the town down.”  
Connor gave him a double thumbs up as he ran toward the tents.  
“Alright, the rest of our group are gathered at the edge of the station,” Cole said, starting to walk without asking Gavin to follow.  
Hank pressed Gavin towards Cole before walking away with a wave.  
“I’ll be taking the group to Doctor Carl Manfred first. I’ll leave the majority of the group with him, then a couple of us will go into town and get some supplies.”  
“Couldn’t we just wait until the next town?” Gavin asked quickly, rubbing his sweaty hands against his pants.  
“If we could, we would,” Cole looked at Gavin meaningfully, “but there’s a lot of mouths to feed and injuries to mend and props to fix. We can’t afford not to get the supplies we can…and frankly, you could use some fresh clothes.”  
Gavin couldn’t agree more, but he wished it wasn’t so. They still reeked of alcohol and the bloodstains were hard and crusty on his sleeves and his collar.  
“We also need to get some meat for the animals,” Cole said, lowering his voice as they approached the small group, “the butcher lives not too far from where I'll be taking you. So it’ll be quick, I promise.”  
Gavin wasn’t sure why Cole was telling him this, especially when he didn’t seem to want the rest of the group listening in on the conversation.  
The group consisted of Simon, Ralph, and Markus.  
“Ah!” Ralph let go of Simon’s hand and hugged Gavin tightly, “I knew you were coming too! See!” He turned to Simon, “Ralph knew he was coming!”  
Simon nodded, “you were right, Ralph, let him go so we can get moving!”  
Gavin’s eyes widened when Ralph took Gavin by the hand and started walking toward the darkened town, only a few street lights showing that there was any life in the city at all.  
Cole took the lead, the group keeping to the shadows as they slunk down side streets, avoiding the main road entirely. All the while, Ralph held Gavin’s hand. Ahead, Markus and Simon were also holding hands, and a thought about hand-holding safety protocol flashed through his mind before he distracted himself with the loud sound of a trashcan turning over and a cat howling.  
“It’s okay, I’ll protect you,” Ralph promised, his round, innocent face attempting to reassure Gavin.  
Strangely, it was reassuring.  
“Down here,” Cole directed the groups into an alley connected to an art gallery that had a staircase leading down, just like the underground spirits club from the town previous.  
Cole knocked on the door in a tight pattern.  
The silence was as arid as a hot day in a field of dry grass. Any sound felt like the beginning of something bad, and Gavin’s teeth ground nervously.  
With a loud creak that could be heard on the other side of the earth, the door finally opened. A man in a wheelchair met them with a smile.  
“Cole, you’ve gained a couple of pounds since we last met, good to see you’re taking care of yourself!” He laughed, the sound scratchy but still ringing like merry bells.  
“Right, Carl, you know how this goes. I’ll be leaving these ones with you until I get back-”  
“Where’s Hank, Cole?” The old man asked with a significant look passed Cole’s broad shoulders.  
“He’s keeping watch at the tents-”  
“I thought you didn’t have a third-”  
“We do,” Cole placed a hand on Gavin’s shoulder and pushed him forward, “can you look at him first? He’s more urgent.”  
“Of course,” Carl nodded, “I’ll take good care of your new Animal Tamer.”  
Gavin was confused about how he could know that without Cole actually saying it. What had Carl meant by a third?  
“You’re going now?” Gavin blinked, finally catching up to what they had been talking about.  
“We’ve got to be quick. I’m taking Simon and you three will stay here-”  
“But I-”  
“Take care of yourselves, It’ll be fine. I’ll be right back.”  
Cole bent forward, “if you’re scared, put Markus in charge. He knows this city very well. He used to be one of Carl’s servants.”  
Gavin breathed a sigh of relief and let them go, while he, Ralph, and Markus followed Carl inside.  
Markus immediately started pushing Carl’s wheelchair, “how have you been, Carl?”  
“You know I miss you all the time, Leo just comes in and breaks stuff…”  
“Is he in town?”  
“Yeah, hanging with that lowlife, Zlatko. I don’t trust that Russian, he’s infecting Leo’s mind with disgusting ideas. I hope Cole doesn't plan on going to him for meat tonight, he's been gearing up for a fight all month.”  
“I’m sorry to hear that...I'm not sure where Cole is going tonight, though, Carl.”  
“Speaking of despicable people,” Carl looked over at Gavin, “who did that to you, son?”  
Gavin’s lips pressed together.  
“Hank and Cole are always picking up beat up kids and they all eventually see me. If I had seen Ralph a bit earlier I might’ve been able to patch him up a bit better…”  
Ralph grinned, “he’s got cracks like me!”  
“That’s right, he does!” Carl said with a smile, “come on over, son. Sit on this chair and let me have a look at you. Markus, could you get my supplies?”  
Markus walked off while Ralph pulled Gavin to the chair and sat him down excitedly, only to quickly lose interest and begin wandering around the room.  
“Did your Pop do this to you?” Carl asked, glancing at the thick bloodstains on Gavin’s clothes as he removed them and sat down, giving the doctor a perfect view of all of his healing bruises.  
Gavin looked down, studying the tiled floor.  
“One of the tigers nicked me here,” he pointed at his right leg, finding words as soon as he noticed the bandages, “while I was trying to help it with a bad tooth.”  
“Doesn’t look too bad, but I’ll sterilize it as well,” Carl removed the cloth from Gavin’s face, “Cole’s gotten a lot better!”  
A snort erupted from Gavin before he could control the breath of laughter, “that’s good, I guess.”  
“What’s really good for you, Animal Tamer, is that I’ve just got in an order of adhesive gauze. Can you believe it? It’s revolutionizing!”  
Gavin only nodded while Carl cleaned his face with a much more sterile cloth and a liquid that smelt so repugnant that it made his eyes water.  
“Ralph found friends!” the boy exclaimed, leading a group of people up from an even lower basement that Markus had gone into to fetch some medications that Carl hadn’t even prescribed.  
“Oh my goodness!” Carl pressed a hand to his chest, “I was so excited I forgot to bring you back out- I meant to talk to Cole about them-”  
Carl turned back to Gavin, “there’s room in your train for three more, just for one or two stops, right?”  
Gavin stared at him mutely, but was saved the embarrassment of answering when Markus replied in the affirmative.  
The group consisted of a large black man that looked like he could pull a tree out of the ground with his bare hands. The second was a slight woman with a man’s haircut wearing oversized pants and suspenders, a young girl clinging to her tightly. None of them looked even remotely related, but they stayed inseparably close to each other.  
“Thank you so much for your help,” the woman spoke, stepping up to Gavin as if acknowledging him as the leader, “we’re in your debt!”  
“Uh…”  
“Oh, I’m sorry,” she blushed, “my name is Kara. This is Alice, and that’s Luther.”  
Gavin held out his hand dumbly, “Gavin.”  
“Thank you so much, Gavin, we really couldn’t be more grateful for your help!”  
“What… what do you need help with exactly?”  
He felt stupid asking it, and Kara immediately shrank with embarassment.  
“They’re escaping some unfortunate circumstances surrounding their past lives and are looking for a more welcoming place to start fresh,” Carl explained, “and their best start is getting on your train.”  
“Right, of course,” Gavin tried to save face.  
“That’s why you got on the train, right? For a new life?” Carl was plastering a strange material onto Gavin’s face that he had never interacted with before. It pulled his skin tight and felt itchy, but it stayed on his face and didn’t obscure his vision partially like the other one had.  
“Wow, this is pretty nifty. Wish I’d had some of this back at home.”  
“I ordered a box for you to take. Make sure you use it sparingly, it hasn’t quite caught on yet, but I think-”  
A loud crash could be heard on the floor above.  
“Quick! Everyone into the basement!” Markus ordered, the color draining from his face.  
“Pa! Where are ya?” A drunken man’s voice could be heard.  
Everyone scrambled to the ladder leading to a damp secondary basement. By the time Gavin got there, footsteps could be heard tripping down the stairs. There wouldn’t be time to hide the others.  
Thinking fast, Gavin closed the lid and ran to the sink, opening the drawers and forcing himself to fit there.  
The doors closed just in time.  
“Those circus freaks are back again, did’ja see em, pa?” A loud voice slurred.  
Gavin’s skin crawled.  
“I haven’t really been out today, Leo.”  
“You’re probably down here to see ‘em, aren’t ya, old man?” A deeper, angrier voice scowled.  
“I don’t remember inviting you into my home, Zlatko,” Carl muttered.  
“It’s my house too, I let him in!” Leo laughed, “what’s the big deal? Huh? Do you want me to leave?”  
“Whose clothes are these, Manfred?”  
Gavin pinched his bare skin with a soundless gasp.  
“Whoever was livin’ in those clothes ain’t alive. Look at all that blood!”  
“Idiot, that’s not enough blood to die from,” Zlatko growled.  
“You would know, wouldn’t you?” Carl said darkly.  
“Where’s the person you’re working on, huh? You hiding him somewhere? Is he one of those circus freaks?”  
Gavin could see through the slight crack in the drawers that a tall, burly man was heading directly for the cellar trap door.  
Pushing himself quickly out from underneath the sink, Gavin felt his heart pounding.  
“Aha! There you are, you little tramp!” A kick knocked the air out of his lungs. Gavin had completely forgotten about Leo, who had been a lot closer.  
“You… look at that ugly mug. You’re definitely from the circus, ain’t ya?”  
“Oh yeah,” Gavin wheezed, “but they wanted me to take care of the tigers, and look at what happened to me!”  
The bearded man laughed hideously, “that’s what you get, kid!”  
“I was trying to run away… I snuck in here and he--Carl--decided to patch me up.”  
“Look at him shake like a little dog!” Leo laughed, pushing him to the ground with his boot.  
“You better not be lying to me, kid,” Zlatko leaned down, “you want to get away from them?”  
“Yes, yes!” Gavin howled as Leo’s boot pressed into a still-sore bruise.  
“Okay… then prove it.”  
“Huh?”  
“Don’t you have a butcher’s shop to keep up, Zlatko?” Carl interrupted, swatting the man fearlessly with a stick.  
“Who comes in this late anyway? I'm not serving the clowns, if they were thinking of buying from me!”  
“I was trying to tell you subtly to get out of my home-”  
“I’m taking the kid, then.”


	9. The Past Is A Shadow...Always Attached At The Feet And Never Lets Go

“Wait-” Gavin felt dizzy, Zlatko’s tight grip on his arm making it impossible to stand upright, the experience terrifyingly familiar.  
“Unless you’re lying?” Zlatko growled through his thick beard.  
“I-they’re not here, if that’s what you mean,” Gavin stammered, barely able to get the words out. He was sure he wasn’t breathing anymore.  
“What a wimp! Look at him,” Leo laughed with a shrill tone, “you can tell he’s lying, Andrei.”  
“He’s not a wimp!” A voice yelled from the sellar.  
Gavin’s heart dropped into his gut, the sound of Ralph pushing the door open against Markus’s protests.  
“He’s the Animal Tamer!” Ralph yelled indignantly, “and he’s way better than you!”  
Zlatko pulled Gavin nearly off the floor at the sight of Ralph, who looked on the verge of tears.  
“You’re one of the Ringmasters?”  
“They’ve really lowered their standards if that’s the case,” Leo said with a snort.  
Gavin pushed against Zlatko’s grip, but failed to free himself.  
“You’re definitely coming with us, then,” Zlatko pressed a hand against Gavin’s neck, “freak.”  
“I’m not,” Gavin gasped as his airways were closed, unable to finish his sentence.  
“You’re not what?”  
“Let me go!” Ralph screeched as Leo grabbed him by his cloak and pushed him to the ground.  
“What a creepy little kid.”  
“Leo, get out of my house!” Carl roared, “I will not stand for this!”  
“What’re you going to do about it, old man?” Leo’s gay attitude shifting suddenly.  
“Get. Out,” Carl pulled a revolver out from a hidden pocket in his wheelchair, “now.”  
Zlatko picked Gavin up and threw him at Carl, sending them both into the ground with a painfully loud crack.  
“Did you just threaten me, Manfred?” Zlatko said, his voice icy.  
Gavin struggled to fill his lungs again, crawling on his now scraped knees to Ralph and pulling him into his arms and away from Leo.  
“Get away from him!”  
Markus had emerged from the dark sellar now, a look of pure fury scrawled on his face in harsh lines.  
“You think you can outnumber us, freaks?” Zlatko laughed, “what a joke! Your stupid Ringmaster can’t protect you. He’s just a sniveling kid!”  
Gavin could see the glint of a knife flashing as the large man palmed the blade by its hilt.  
“He may be a kid, but I’m not,” a voice warned from behind.  
The whole room froze, and Gavin felt his whole body regress into a shivering mass as Cole stepped into the room, Simon was nowhere to be found, though.  
“Hmmm,” the knife twitched in Zlatko’s hand as he and Cole stared each other down like wild beasts.  
“Seems like you couldn’t convince Mr. Pecheko not to sell to me again this year,” Cole teased, having the obvious physical advantage over Zlatko.  
“That bastard...You freaks need to stay away from this town!” Zlatko barked angrily.   
“We would leave faster if you would just leave us alone to do our business.”  
Leo was silenced at the sight of Cole, who’s intimidating appearance had even stopped Zlatko.  
Markus was slowly helping Carl into his chair, the man obviously shaken at the fall.  
“Here’s what’s going to happen. You two are going to leave, and when I leave with my companions here, I won’t see hide nor hair of either of you.”  
“And how’re you gonna guarantee that?” Zlatko scowled, but the bead of sweat sparkling on his brow gave away his anxiety.  
Cole took a step toward him, grabbing the hand with the hidden knife and twisting it awkwardly so that Zlatko was forced to point the knife at his own neck.  
“I think I’ve proven myself capable of keeping my threats in the past.”  
Zlatko nodded, and as soon as Cole released his hand, he stumbled up the stairs and out the way he came.  
“Drop the kid, Leo,” Cole ordered, the younger man still frozen to his spot.  
As soon as Ralph was on the ground, he rushed to Gavin’s side.  
“He’s sick! He’s sick!” Ralph explained, shaking Gavin slightly to try and capture his attention, but he was frozen.  
He couldn’t talk. He couldn’t move.  
“Ralph, step away from him, please,” Cole ordered calmly.  
“I’m sorry,” Carl coughed, the other three escapees eventually crawling up as well now that the danger had passed.  
“It’s not your fault, Carl,” Cole gestured at Leo, who wormed his away to the exit against the wall, staying as far away from the larger man as he could before he could make his escape.  
“Why don’t you check in with Ralph really quick so we can be on our way?” Cole offered, distracting everyone away from Gavin as Cole sat down next to him.  
Gavin relied on his logical brain to tell him that he was safe now, relaxing just enough to sit up from the ground.  
“Here,” Cole handed Gavin his clothes, “you’ll be alright.”  
“Where’s Simon?” Markus asked carefully.  
“I saw Zlatko’s shop was empty, so I sent him back with the supplies.”  
“Alone?” Markus exclaimed.  
“I went with him until the edge of the city, then I ran back.”  
“Okay,” Markus breathed, “fine. Thanks for coming back for us. Things were getting dicy.”  
“They almost stole him!” Ralph yelled as Carl tended to his face.  
Gavin pressed his fingers into the blood-encrusted edges of his sleeves, feeling Cole’s eyes on him at this statement.  
There was silence for a while as Gavin slowly redressed, his anxiety far overwhelming the fact that he had been in only his boxers the entire time. Eventually Carl finished up with Ralph and the whole group left in a funeral dirge procession.  
Ralph attempted to hold Gavin’s hand again, but he pulled it away, slowing down his walk until he was at the very back of the group  
His thoughts were the sound of a thousand rusty nails being stirred in a bucket. His insides felt like the color of canned peas. He dragged his feet as they hit the end of the street and into the dirt road, eventually stopping completely.  
Ralph had preoccupied Cole with his chatter after Gavin refused him, and Markus had busied himself with the newest stowaways that would be riding on the train.  
Gavin watched as the distance between himself and the group grew, and before he knew it he was alone.  
Lacking the energy to sit down, Gavin stood glued to his spot, staring at the lights of the circus in the near distance, the empty scowl of the town behind him bearing down on him like a wolf.  
He felt completely out of touch with himself, the only thing reminding him that he was still there was the hummingbird pounding of his heart and the sweat on his palms. He could still feel the grip of Zlatko’s strong hand on his wrist.  
Just thinking about it made his jaw clench even tighter.  
He probably would have stood there for hours had the sound of a twig snapping in the nearby brush not caught his attention.  
Head snapping up at the sound, Gavin spotted two shadows moving toward the front of the train station.  
Without even thinking about what he was doing, Gavin followed them, not even trying to disguise his footsteps on the grass as he kept pace with the figures.  
“Stay low, I don’t want them to see too soon, or else they’ll put it out too fast.”  
Gavin was sure his heart stopped at the sound of Zlatko’s voice.  
He couldn’t move as he watched Leo jump across the station platforms to the opposite side of the railway engine. Zlatko stepped onto the station itself, dumping a liquid all over the pillars and the ground.  
When Leo jumped back across, Zlatko shooed him away from the station and threw the end of his burning cigarette into the ground, lighting a fire that exploded from its origin point, consuming the front of the train and engulfing the first couple of cars.  
The explosion of sound from the roaring flames seemed to only penetrate Gavin’s ears several moments after it had begun, his body finally waking up and reacting as his brain fed it information that gave him the motivation to move.  
Running straight for the fire, Gavin headed directly for the closest car, the flames consuming the area around it and the station beginning to collapse on top of the train.  
Gavin was blind to the danger. All he could think about was the fact that the animals were in those cars, and if he didn’t get them out, they would burn alive.  
And he had done nothing to prevent it. 


	10. Drinking Liquid Fire

Gavin tore into the car closest to the painfully hot flames, stepping on burning grass and red-hot gravel to get there.  
The animals inside were making a symphony of chaotic and fearful cries. Gavin ran to the first cage and unlatched the doors, the horses quickly escaping out the open side door of the car.  
These were all the horses, donkeys, zebras, and other hoofed creatures, as well as the show dogs. A few of them stepped on Gavin’s feet or knocked him aside in their urgency to escape---the heat that was baking them alive in this would-be iron coffin.  
Releasing the last of the zebras, Gavin ran into the next car, the handle searing his skin as he forced himself inside.  
His throat burned and he began to cough as he found the latch for the side door of the car and started working on the cages for the larger animals.  
“Come on you big brute!” Gavin yelled, shoving his body into the leg of one of the two elephants, “do you want to die?”  
The roaring fire was obviously scaring the beasts as the hungry flames licked around the edges of the door.  
Grabbing the rope around the lead elephant’s neck, Gavin pulled it forward, stepping slowly into coal-hot dirt in an effort to drag the large tusked creature out of the car. The moment it was out it nearly trampled Gavin as it ran for a safer field where the zebras and horses had gathered. The second elephant followed suit.  
“Gavin, is that you?” A familiar voice yelled, “get out of here!”  
“There are still more inside!” He protested, running back into the train wagon before Connor could reach him.  
“Open up the rhino’s cage!” Gavin yelled as soon as Connor appeared at his side.  
“I don’t think we can get to them all, Gavin!” Connor said, putting all of his strength into forcing the latch of the cage upward.  
“I have to!” Gavin yelled back, dodging out of the way as the emu and ostrich ran out of the car with loud screeches.  
“Gavin, please!”  
“Get the birds out! I’ll get the lizards and snakes.”  
Connor obeyed, grabbing as many cages as he could fit in his hands and running out of the car, Gavin following close behind with several tanks in his arms.  
“I’ll set these on the rocks, carry them out to the field and meet me back here,” Gavin ordered.  
Connor nodded, running the birds to the area where the other animals had fled. The field was sparse and mostly dirt, making it safe from fire.  
Once inside again, Gavin succumbed to a fit of coughing, the smoke starting to get to him as he grabbed the last of the tanks.  
“Give those to me,” a voice ordered sharply, “and get out of here.”  
“There’s still the lion and the tigers,” Gavin protested, feeling confused about who was speaking, but unable to see the person for the fire.  
“Fine, give those to me and get them out. I’ll meet you in the field.”  
“Thanks, Connor,” Gavin frowned, the new person sounded nothing like Connor.  
Turning to the cats’ cage, Gavin pushed against the latch, burning his hands as he tried to force it open.  
“Come on! Come on!” Gavin yelled, “please!”  
“What’s wrong?” Connor called.  
“The latch! It’s stuck!”  
The sound of shoes banging against the metal floor sounded only slightly louder than the roaring fire.  
“I’ll push the door in, you pull up again, maybe that’ll loosen it.”  
Gavin pushed as hard as he could, the pained mewlings of the tigers piercing his heart.  
“It’s okay, I’ll get you out, I promise!” Gavin whispered, coughing again and losing his grip on the handle.  
“What are you two idiots still doing in there?”  
“The cage won’t open! I think the heat fuzed it closed!” Connor yelled back to the unknown voice.  
In the brief pause before the third member of their rescue party came to them, Gavin recovered from his coughing fit and stood up again, his eyes blurring and his body shaking as he tried to pull against the lever. A painful rub against his leg forced him to look down.  
One of the tigers was licking his leg and pushing him away from the cage.  
“No!” Gavin protested loudly, as if it had been speaking to him.  
“Get out of the way!” A voice interrupted, pushing him away and swinging a hammer against the lever.  
“Where’d you get that, Rich?” Connor explained.  
“Unimportant, get out of here!”  
Gavin looked up, a soot-covered face slick with sweat looked back at them.  
“I told you to get out, Connor!”  
“Come on, Gavin!”  
“Wait, I need to coax them out, they won’t come without-” Gavin choked on the smoke-filled air.  
“Get him out, Connor!” Richard ordered, swinging down on the latch again, sending sparks flying.  
Connor began to drag him out, managing to get him out of the car before Gavin finally tore himself free and ran back inside.  
“Gavin!”  
But Connor did not follow him.  
“I thought I told you to get out of here?” Richard wheezed, bringing down the hammer and finally smashing the latch in half, the door swinging open.  
“It’s time for you to get out of here!” Gavin returned, running into the cage and leading the closest tiger out by the scruff of its neck, the old lion forcing his way past them in an effort to get out.  
“Come on, come on,” Gavin followed the last of them out of their cage and ran out of the car, Richard following closely after him.  
Just as they stepped onto the gravel, a large wooden pole from the station fell forward, crashing down on top of them as they jumped to escape.  
“Could you move any slower?” Richard said between ragged gasps, coming up behind him and pulling Gavin off the ground by his arm and thrusting him forward.  
Gavin couldn’t answer, the iron taste of blood flooding his mouth and the world tipping sideways as he tried to get a grip on himself.  
When they arrived into the safe area, the other animals moved slightly away as the old lion forced his way among their ranks, growling irritatedly and milking a burnt paw. The tigers kept close to Gavin, pushing him away from Richard, whose vice grip on his arm was the only thing keeping him on his feet.  
Gavin collapsed to the ground, wheezing and choking as he tried to get air into his lungs. He was only faintly aware of voices nearby, but the closest thing to his ears were the distressed sounds of the tigers, who nudged him carefully and licked his face and body, where holes had burned into his clothes, scratching the already badly burned skin with their rough tongues.  
“Why did I do that?” Was the only thought that crossed his mind before he blacked out.

“...if you hadn’t been a complete idiot we wouldn’t be in this predicament!”  
“Maybe if you would stop being selfish for one moment you would consider that everyone is hurting and it’s not just our act that has been put on hold!”  
“The others aren’t hurt as badly as you, Connor, and they don’t require their bodies for their acts as much as you do.”  
Gavin held his head with his hands, the voices splintering through the pendulum swing of a massive headache that had only been realized the moment he had been woken up.  
“I’ve just got a few burns, Nolan, I’ll heal soon enough.”  
“You burned your hands, Connor! Doing something I told you specifically not to do!”  
“It’s not for you to decide what I do!”  
The yelling battle sounded like it had been going on forever, based on how scratchy both of their voices were, but Gavin wondered if it was just the smoke that had messed them up.  
“That idiot made his choice, Con, you didn’t have to be a hero and save him just because you decided he was your friend!”  
“You wouldn’t understand, Nolan, you don’t have any friends---”  
“Will the both of you shut. Up?”  
Richard’s voice silenced the other two so quickly Gavin wondered if he had hallucinated the entire thing.  
“Rich… didn’t know you were awake,” Nolan muttered, his voice barely audible through the door separating Gavin from the hall where they lived.  
“How could I possibly stay asleep with you two screaming at each other like children?”  
“How are you feeling?” Connor asked sheepishly.  
“How do you think, Con? I’ve got three broken ribs and burns so bad on my back it hurts to be alive because the damn station pole fell on me! So if you two would kindly take your arguing elsewhere, I’d like to suffer without having to hurt my ears listening to your pettiness.”  
“I’m sorry, Rich-”  
“Connor, I know you’re sorry, but I also know you would do it again. So save it for when you actually mean it.”  
There was the sound of shuffling, then silence.  
The weight of that silence was too much for Gavin, who shook with illness and couldn’t even press his hands together too tightly without causing himself pain.  
Staring at the ceiling, he wondered why he couldn’t have just stayed asleep forever. He could’ve at least escaped the humiliation of knowing that his choices had led to the injuries of other people.  
Gavin feebly tried to convince himself that he had told Connor to leave and not get hurt, but deep down the knowledge that he had been the one that stood and watched as those crazy men started the fire in the first place sunk into his soul and poisoned him.  
This was all his fault.


	11. An Unexpected Audience

The second Cole allowed Gavin to leave his perpetual bedrest and attend to the animals, he was on his feet.  
He wore clothes borrowed from the community closet, meaning he had to suffer the chafe of suspenders against his still raw and burned skin in order to keep his pants up, but it was better than spending another second alone or listening to Cole tell him it wasn’t his fault.  
The circus had set up camp at a stop in a much more friendly and affluent town where they usually performed. The news of the attack had spread by paper throughout the states, and they were received with open arms. Doctors had driven in from all around and people had donated food and supplies to help them get back on their feet. Now all they needed was time to recover.  
Unable to run for the burns on his feet, Gavin hobbled as quickly as he could to the animal stables and shut himself inside, finding the first aide chest for the beasts in the same room as their food and costumes.  
The animals couldn’t blame him for what he had done, and he had saved all of them from being cooked alive. Now he would make it up more by making sure that all of their burns and sores were healing properly, since Cole had mentioned several times that he was struggling to do it himself, and none of the veterinarians were brave enough to see to the larger, more dangerous animals.  
Gavin took a strange solace in making his way around the labyrinth halls of the stable, walking into each area and spending as much time as was necessary with each animal. Cleaning out the hooves of the horses and zebras, brushing the donkeys’ hair and cleaning out the mules’ ears. He smoothed the feathers of the exotic birds and made sure that the peacocks were at full color again, taking the time to wash out the smoke stains from their delicate plumage.  
Moving more supplies toward the rhino and elephants, Gavin made sure to carry in a sufficient bucket of oats and hay to satisfy their minds while he washed their skins and cleaned their burns.  
Luckily, the armor-thick skin of both creatures seemed to have protected them from the brunt of the heat, which was good. They seemed more than happy to eat the treat he had given them and ignored him completely while he made sure they weren’t hiding any micro injuries on their feet or in their ears, nose, or eyes.  
The smaller of the two elephants didn’t seem to want to eat, and Gavin guessed she might have sores inside her mouth. He methodically stirred a mixture of water-softened oats into a smaller bucket and slid it towards her, touching her trunk to the liquified food goop and encouraging her to try it.  
She sprayed a small bit into her mouth, believing it was water, and that seemed to do the trick. While they both ate, Gavin walked around, the hundreds of books he had read coming to life as he almost gleefully inspected their skin and feet. They had been the first out of the car, so their injuries were minimal and already healing very well.  
Sneaking out of their area, Gavin stared at the old lion, who had been quarantined to his own cage.  
He pulled out a small slab of meat and slowly entered the room, pulling the chest of equipment with him. The lion stirred and watched Gavin suspiciously, eyeing the slab of meat.  
“Here’s what we’re going to do,” Gavin said in a low, humming voice, “If you drink the medicine I’ve got here for you, then you get this slab of meat. If you let me check your paws, eyes, and ears, I’ll give you another one.”  
Gavin knew the creature had no idea what he was saying, but he said it all the same. It only felt right to establish some form of communication before approaching the proud beast.  
The concoction he carried in a bucket now was a mixture he had watched his nurse make for sore throats. It wasn’t anything lethal, but a soothing mixture meant to calm sores.  
They stared at each other for a while after Gavin had set down the bucket before the lion. It was as if the lion were testing him, his dark eyes collecting whatever information he needed before taking a whiff of the mixture.  
Eventually, the lion took a few laps, but not much more, making a face and watching the meat in Gavin’s hand.  
Gavin pointed at the bucket.  
The lion drank for a second, then stared at Gavin, waiting.  
Relenting, he tore off a small piece of the meat and held it out in his flat hand.  
The lion drank again before waiting for his next piece, repeating the process for several minutes until both the meat and the medicine was gone.  
Laying down in a swath of hay in the corner, the lion rolled onto his back and held up his burnt paws before rolling to its side.  
Gavin took this as an invitation and finished his business with the old cat, leaving at least as a contemporary, though Gavin was sure the lion saw him more as a servant than anything. He had far too large of a kingly disposition to treat someone like Gavin in any other way.  
Finally, he could be with his tigers.  
He had purposely placed them last so that he could take them to the center ring of the stable. Their cramped cage was too small for him to work inside comfortably, anyway.  
They were quick to follow him out of the cage, snuffing at him and bumping him with their wet noses.  
“I’m fine, see?” He held out his hands, which were still raw, but healing. His feet were in far worse shape, but that was a pain he was willing to deal with. Laying down for a week straight was enough to drive him insane.  
They circled him and rammed him with their heads as he let them into the ring, dragging the chest with him and stirring up a new bucket of soothing liquid. They were far quicker to take his advice than the lion or the elephant.  
“Three sisters, probably,” Gavin said, speaking to no one as he started inspecting the tigers and cleaning them with soap and cool water.  
He felt temporarily at peace in his work. Somehow, he believed if he worked hard enough he could wash away the sickness inside of him.  
One of the tigers pressed her muzzle into his face and licked his bandaged head, her rough tongue practically brushing his hair. She wouldn’t let him push her away, and the other tigers seemed to follow her lead, pressing their noses into his body and cleaning his hair and face.  
“Okay, okay, I’m good!” Gavin protested, finally freeing himself from the slime of their wet faces and standing up.  
“Should you be walking on those feet?” A voice asked from the entrance door to the fake ring.  
Leaping out of his skin and tripping over his feet, Gavin whipped around to see who was speaking to him.  
“I’m just wearing some thick socks, so it reduces the rubbing,” Gavin squinted, trying to make out the figure so he could be sure he had guessed right.  
“You shouldn’t be moving around so much. You’ll just irritate your feet even more,” Richard unfolded his arms stiffly, “and that might result in an infection.”  
Gavin wasn’t sure what to make of the situation. The three tigers wandered around him, anxious because he was anxious.  
“I couldn’t stay in that bed any longer.”  
“I guess I can relate to that.”  
“Why are you here?” Gavin asked hesitantly, remembering the arguments he had heard almost nightly for over a week about him and about their injuries. He wondered if Richard had come to exact his revenge.  
“I’m just observing, is that a crime?” Richard stood away from the wall he leaned on stiffly, “but if that’s putting you off, I guess I’ll leave.”  
“Why?”  
Richard sighed, “you ask that question a lot, did you know that?”  
“I didn’t know you were listening.”  
Richard hobbled toward the exit door without answering.  
“Did you want something from me?”  
Looking back at him, Richard paused briefly, eyeing the tigers with an inexplicable look on his face before turning around and limping out the door.  
“...I guess that’s a no.”  
Gavin turned to the tigers, who pressed their noses into his hands and begged for scratches behind their ears. His stomach rumbled, but the idea of facing anyone was too big a hurdle to cross, and he tossed the thought of food away. He knew how to go a while without it, anyway.  
Directing the tigers to their cage, he coaxed them in by walking in himself, hoping he could trick them into staying inside, but once they were in, they blocked his exit, and eventually he gave up. He closed the cage door but did not slide down the latch completely, then sat down in the thick pile of fresh hay he had piled into the cage for them.  
Before he knew it, he was asleep.


	12. The Telling Tones Of The Subconscious

“Gavin!”  
Connor’s voice jerked Gavin out of his sleep and he knocked his head against the back wall of the tigers’ cage.  
“What?”  
“Praise the Lord, I thought you were dead,” Connor breathed, crouching down at the cage entrance. His face was loose with relief.  
“They would never,” Gavin sat up slowly, wondering what Connor was there for.  
“Richard told me you were here, but I didn’t expect to find you… well… here. You aren’t an animal, you know.”  
Gavin stared at Connor with a look that the other would never understand. Not unless he explained, and he was sure he never would. Connor couldn’t possibly know what it felt like to be him.  
“Do you need something?” Gavin asked sourly.  
Connor’s brows bunched together with concern, “are you okay?”  
“I’m fine.”  
“Have you eaten anything?”  
“I said I’m fine.”  
“Gavin…”  
“Just leave me alone,” Gavin said bluntly, feeling intruded upon.  
“You shouldn’t stay in-”  
“I said leave me alone!”  
Connor flinched as if he had received a slap to the face, then quickly retreated, leaving Gavin in the dark again.  
“Why did I do that?” He wondered aloud, feeling hot frustration spread across his face.  
It felt wrong. It felt like he was becoming the very thing he had sworn he would never become.

Gavin stood in the empty ring, all the lights shining down on him and a crowd of silent observers sitting in the stand, their stares penetrating him to his bones.  
“I kept telling you they were the best act, Gavin.”  
Looking quickly to his right, Gavin saw Cole wandering out from the darkness, his hands covered in pig’s blood.  
He wasn’t sure how he knew it was pig’s blood.  
“But you just had to be selfish, didn’t you?” Hank said, slinking up to Gavin from the opposite side.  
“You’re always thinking about yourself, aren’t you?”  
“No, I was trying to save-”  
“The animals? They’re replaceable. They don’t matter to us as long as they perform when we ask them to,” Cole interrupted, “kind of like you, huh?”  
Gavin tried to move away, but found he was bound to the spinning knife-throwing wheel.  
“I thought we told you it was dangerous,” Chloe smiled, holding up a blade and handing it to Markus.  
“I told them about what you did, Gavin.”  
Cole spun the wheel.  
Gavin heard a loud thunk next to his head.  
“That you left us to burn.”  
“I didn’t want to believe it.”  
Connor’s voice. Another thunk.  
“But when I told you to get out of the train car, you wouldn’t. And now I can’t perform.”  
“Our best act,” Hank lamented.  
Another thunk, this time pinching the loose fabric of his right pant leg.  
“How will we survive without them?”  
“It’s all your fault, Gavin.”  
“You’re more than useless, you’re a detriment to society---”

Gavin shot up, his body shaking in a cold sweat. Someone had hit him in the head right then. He had been so sure he had felt it, but it had all been a dream.  
A long, rough tongue greeted his anxiety. The other tigers were stirring too, chuffing into his face and staring at him with wondering eyes.  
Having lost all sense of time, Gavin figured it was as good a time as any to start exercising the animals and cleaning their stalls. In just a few days he had gotten the entire system figured out, and the animals seemed rather pleased to see him every time he passed.  
He always finished with the tigers, though. He loved to play with them more than the others, and they wouldn’t let him alone even if he tried to put them in their cage and leave.  
Gavin couldn’t really remember the last time he had been outside.  
It had been a couple of days at least, but he couldn’t be sure.  
At least he had something to do to distract him from his nightmare, and the ever present emptiness in his stomach. He was still too afraid to show his face, and if Cole or Hank hadn’t bothered to come find him, then that was sign enough that they were displeased.  
Running the horses was one of the scarier tasks. Any of those large, hoofed creatures made him nervous. He had fallen off his own horses too many times to count. They had never liked his timidity, and he was sure these horses would be the same.  
“They’re damn fools if they think I can tame all the animals,” Gavin muttered to himself, urging the horses through the corridors and around the ring. He should be taking them outside, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it.  
Maybe that was wrong. Maybe he was hurting the animals because he was too prideful.  
Just another thing to add to the list.  
Bringing the tigers out was his great reward, and they seemed to see it that way too. He dragged ropes and ran them through obstacle courses just like the others, but they seemed to relish it far more. Perhaps it was because he would do many of the exercises with them, from walking up and down the teeter totter to swinging the hoop on his hips until one of the cats was able to bat it down with a paw.  
“So you’ve given them names, now?”  
Gavin dropped the hoop, the wooden ring clattering to the ground in an extended movement that prolonged the awkward silence as he stared at Richard, who was leaning against the inner wall of the ring, just slightly closer than last time.  
“Yes…?”  
“Why?”  
“Why not?” Gavin said, his cheeks getting hot at being discovered acting in such a way with the tigers.  
“I mean, Princess isn’t that creative,” Richard commented coolly, brushing a lock of hair out of his face. His expression was barely visible from the distance, but Gavin was certain that he was being mocked.  
“It’s… Sock Princess, actually. She licked off my socks last night, so I figured that was a suitable name.”  
“Because she likes socks?”  
“Yes, because she licks- likes socks! What’s it to you?”  
“Why’d you name that other one Neera? Is it because she’s always right next to you?”  
Gavin looked down, “yes.”  
Richard snorted.  
“Then Megara?”  
“It’s a name from Greek mythology about this princess who marries a demigod.”  
“Why’d you name a tiger that?”  
“Do I have to have a reason for everything?”  
Gavin was feeling more and more frustrated with every passing second of this conversation.  
“No, but you had reasons for the first two. I figured you would keep the pattern up.”  
“Would you prefer I name her something else?”  
Richard shrugged.  
Gavin stood there, frowning up into the semi-darkness.  
“How long have you been here?”  
“Connor seems to think I told you to shun him,” Richard said, not answering Gavin’s question, “I wish you would tell him otherwise.”  
“I didn’t shun him… I just wanted to be alone.”  
“I can relate to that, but maybe you should eat dinner with him so he’ll lay off me for two seconds.”  
Gavin dug his toe into the ground, feeling bad for what he had said. Perhaps Connor wasn’t mad after all?  
His stomach growled loudly, the suggestion of food reminding him how starving he actually was.  
A short wheeze that could hardly have been called a laugh burst from where Richard stood.  
“I heard that all the way over here!”  
Gavin folded his arms unconsciously, looking away from Richard as if it would deflect the embarrassment he felt.  
“Why do you keep coming back here?”  
“I’m just sick of listening to my brothers argue,” he stood upright slowly, propping his body upward with a strong arm and slowly making his way to the side of the ring, every step slow and cautious.  
“There are a lot of places to go besides the stable you know,” Gavin said, confused.  
Richard paused at the door again, “sorry to intrude.”  
And just like that, he was gone again.


	13. Wandering Out Of Isolation

Gavin put the tigers away soon after Richard had left, finally deciding to wander out of the safe haven of the stable to find Connor.  
The grounds were cast in late afternoon shadows, the bright colors of the tents painted nearly orange on the side facing the sun, and a cool purple on the other side, the difference in temperature just as intense as their color as Gavin stepped out of the shadows of the stable.  
Holding up his arm, Gavin wondered how badly he stunk, and decided to check Cole and Hank’s tent to see if Simon had finished putting together his clothes.  
Listening at the flap first, Gavin felt certain it was safe to enter, but the moment he opened the ties and slipped inside he was greeted by Cole, who glanced up from a letter he was reading.  
“I haven’t seen you in a couple of days. You probably need your bandages changed… how are your feet?”  
“I’m going to wash myself now,” Gavin said quickly, seeing the neatly piled clothes on his bed. Enough clothes to last him a week.  
“When you get back then.”  
“I’m going to eat dinner with Connor. After that.”  
Gavin was already halfway out the tent door when Cole finally replied.  
“Okay. After.”  
Finding the makeshift showers, Gavin managed to slide in and out without seeing anyone else he knew well. Most people nodded at him absently or smiled at him without saying anything. Some of them Gavin was sure had spoken to him drunkenly the night they had celebrated his arrival, but they hardly paid him any attention now.  
He liked it far better this way.  
The grassy field where they had set up their recovery camp was flattened by the constant movement of the circus, whose members restlessly worked to repair what had been lost. Gavin hadn’t noticed how bad the fire had been until that evening.  
Many of the tents were being mended and costumes were being repaired. Gavin did notice, however, that a greater portion of the company was simply restless without anything to do.  
Gavin wandered behind a group of ladies he recognized as some of the dancers, their lithe bodies exposed for the world to see in their silky, tight night dresses and thin stockings.  
They noticed his presence only after they had arrived at the kitchen booths, the thick smell of meat cooking and the sound of oil frying gave the place an appropriate ambiance to the pleasant evening.  
“Did you need something?” One of the girls asked with a coy smile.  
Gavin blinked at her, shocked that they had turned on him so suddenly.  
“No, uh, I’m just here to eat… and find Connor…”  
“Oh,” the girl blushed, “well, I think he’s right over there.”  
Gavin followed her finger and saw Connor stirring an assortment of food on his plate while Chloe spoke about something animatedly.  
Walking up to the table, Gavin waited for an appropriate time to interrupt the blonde. Instead, Connor interrupted for him, his face lighting up at the sight of him standing behind Chloe.  
“Hey!”  
“Hey,” Gavin gave a slight wave, “I’m sorry about what I said earlier, I was just really… tired.”  
Tired wasn’t the right word to describe what he was, but it was the only one in his current arsenal.  
“No, it’s okay, I know I can be a bit much,” Connor shrugged, “I just thought maybe Richard was so tired of hearing me and Nolan argue that he told you to get lost.”  
“Your brother…” Gavin paused, not sure what he wanted to say about Richard, “why is he like that?”  
“Like what?”  
Gavin sat down, “he’s just so standoffish. I don’t understand.”  
“He’s a bit of a loner,” Connor agreed, “but that comes with the territory.”  
“What do you mean?”  
Chloe and Connor exchanged glances.  
“Our previous… employer… was not very good to us,” he said with an unusually somber look on his clean face. The scatter of freckles on his cheeks was now completely visible without make-up smeared over his skin.  
“Oh, I’m sorry I asked,” Gavin’s eyes shot to the side, unable to make eye contact for his awkwardness.  
“It’s okay, I was just hoping it would help you understand him. He was treated particularly brutally.”  
“Got it, you don’t have to continue.” Gavin didn’t want to hear more. He could sympathize with the pain sharing memories like that caused.  
“Here, please eat something,” Connor slid his plate toward Connor.  
“But that’s yours!”  
“I’m not very hungry right now, actually.”  
Taking the plate without questioning it too much, Gavin nibbled at the food as Chloe started back into her story.  
“So this woman just thanks me and walks off, can you believe it? They were such an odd little family, but I had been really hoping they would stay a little longer. She was so helpful mending our costumes, and Alice really got along with Ralph.”  
“Are you talking about that family that needed to get out of that…” Gavin trailed off.  
“Yeah, Kara and her partner, Luther, with their kid.”  
“Was that their kid?” Gavin asked, immediately wondering if he should’ve just kept his mouth shut.  
“No, it was the daughter of her boss. She was a nanny for an abusive single father.”  
“I see…”  
Connor smiled slightly, “Gavin, you know it’s okay to ask questions, right? There’s nothing wrong with wanting to know things or misunderstanding.”  
His face felt hot and Gavin stared at his too quickly emptied plate.  
“Did you not get to ask a lot of questions before?” Chloe asked calmly.  
“It wasn’t… preferable,” Gavin murmured.  
“Well, don’t worry.”  
Connor was standing up, taking Gavin’s plate with one swift movement, “we’re not perfect, either, so it’s okay to mess up around us, even if you are embarrassed.”  
“Okay,” Gavin followed Connor to the cleaning booth where he joined a group washing their dishes and stacking them in the soaking buckets to the side, where the assigned group for that day would put them away. As Gavin spent more time in the circus, he grew more and more impressed with the level of order there was beneath the excited discord.  
“Hey, you’ll show us your tigers, right?” Connor asked, looking over at Chloe as she followed them out of the eating area and back into the more open aisles between living tents.  
“Yes, I want to see you interact with them. Hank keeps telling us how special you are,” Chloe added.  
Confused at the positivity, Gavin relented and started leading them toward the stables, but was intercepted by Hank.  
“Where are you off to?” He asked, his bristled face cast in shadow as the last of the sun’s rays sank beneath the horizon.  
“He’s taking us to see the tigers!” Chloe grinned.  
“You see ‘em all the time, maybe he can take you tomorrow.”  
Connor frowned, but an exchange of facial expressions put Connor off his plans.  
“Alright then, maybe some other time, Gavin?”  
Gavin furrowed his brows, turning between Hank and Connor and trying to understand the unspoken conversation they were having.  
“Yeah, some other time.”  
“Have a good night, Gavin,” Chloe waved, following Connor who had already taken off down an aisle.  
“Come with me, son.”  
Hank spoke gravely, and Gavin felt a thrill of anxiety send goosebumps up and down his arms.  
“What’s wrong?” He asked, hoping the conversation wasn’t going to be about him.  
“We just wanted to make sure you sleep in your bed tonight and got your injuries checked before you wandered off again.”  
“That’s it?”  
“That’s it. A little birdie told me that you’ve been sleeping in the tigers’ cage.”  
Gavin scuffed his socked foot against a tuft of grass, the healing skin not agreeing with the rough contact after he had run around all day.  
Perhaps he should stay in bed for a few more days.  
“Did you find him?” Cole asked, peeking his head out of the tent and smiling at the sight of Gavin.  
“I told you I would come back,” Gavin sulked, placing the dirty clothes he had hefted with him through the camp in the sack they had given him.  
“Yeah, but I just felt like I needed to check on your burns is all,” Cole said with a noncommittal shrug. He was trying far too hard to hide his concern.  
“I probably left my bed a bit earlier than I should’ve. I’m sorry.”  
Cole gave him a relieved smile, happy to not have to fight him on what was really on his mind.  
“I’ll even stay in tomorrow and keep off my feet.”


	14. Hide and Seek

“What do you mean, he’s here?”  
Hank's loud voice ripped Gavin out of the peaceful, medicine induced sleep he had been in.  
Late morning light poured into the tent through the open flap, the column of light barely missing Gavin’s face as it poured over his bed, which was tucked into the back corner of the room, opposite from Hank and Cole, whose beds were toward the front.  
“Chloe saw his car drive into town early this morning on her way home.”  
“That bastard, he probably heard about the fire.”  
“Checking on his property, I bet.”  
“They aren’t his property-”  
“I know, Dad, but we’ve got to warn them.”  
The tent flap closed and Gavin fell asleep again, the heavy dose of medicine Cole had given him stronger than his burning curiosity.  
He woke up several hours later.

Forgetting his promise to stay in bed, he pulled on a fresh pair of socks and even tried to wear a pair of shoes to see how it felt.  
He grimaced at the painful rub, and removed the shoes, putting on a second pair of socks before leaving for the stable. His feet hurt enough that he decided to just take the tigers out and read one of the books he had snatched from Hank’s library. It was a novel called “The Wizard of Oz”. Like many of the books, it’s yellowed pages and bent corners showed how well read it was.  
Gavin hadn’t been allowed to read much common literature, so the idea of reading something that wasn’t a textbook excited him and felt almost criminal, despite everything.  
Sitting down in the pile of soft hay near the wall of the stands in the stable, Gavin did not wait for the tigers to roam near him, letting them mess with the toys he had scattered throughout the ring while he read aloud.  
It was a habit he had gotten into in order to focus on the material. If he didn’t read aloud he would get distracted and find himself unsure of what he had read ten pages later.  
He was near the end of the first chapter when a cough interrupted him.  
Slamming the book closed and jumping to his feet so fast he startled the tigers, Gavin immediately looked around wildly to find the source of the sound, expecting to see Richard. His eyes finally settled on the darkened area of the stands where the small line of seats was.  
It was not only Richard but Connor and Nolan as well.  
“What in god’s name do you want from me?” Gavin demanded, his heart still beating quickly from the startle.  
“Hey, lower your voice, idiot,” Nolan growled.  
“We’re hiding,” Connor explained in a quiet voice.  
Gavin stared at them doubtfully.  
“So you’re not here to exact your revenge on me or something?”  
“Of course not!” Connor exclaimed, “why would we do that?”  
Nolan and Richard both hissed at Connor, Richard going as far as to place his hand on Connor’s mouth to stop him from speaking.  
“Quiet!” Richard ordered.  
Connor nodded, his voice too quiet to hear from where Gavin stood.  
“You don’t mind, do you?” Richard asked with his low, silky voice.  
“I uh… I guess not…” Gavin glanced at the book in his hand, realizing they must’ve been listening the entire time.  
“I’m interested to find out what happens,” Richard encouraged.  
“It was putting me to sleep earlier,” Nolan complained, “it’s not a very exciting story. It sent Connor completely into dreamland.”  
“That’s because you two have the attention spans of a common squirrel,” Richard folded his arms.  
“Don’t pretend you weren’t having a hard time focusing,” Nolan muttered.  
“Like you could have possibly had the consciousness to know-”  
“Sh!” Connor hit Richard’s shoulder, which brought out a squeaking wheeze to replace whatever words he was about to say.  
Just inside the entrance to the stable was the sound of voices.  
“I don’t know why you need to check in here, Mr. Kamski. We’ve looked everywhere. They’re probably in town.”  
“You’re hiding them from me.”  
Gavin could see the blood drain from all three of the brothers’ faces.  
“Come with me!” Gavin ordered, gesturing more than speaking.  
The brothers scrambled as quickly and quietly as they could to the ground, the tigers rushing towards them curiously.  
“Go to the tigers’ cage- there’s a dip in the ground where the hay has been piled on. I just changed it yesterday, so it should still be good to hide in.”  
“He’ll probably check if it’s empty, right?”  
“It won’t be empty,” Gavin breathed, the tigers following closely behind, “I’m going to pretend that they got out, and I’ll usher them into the cage with them watching. They’ll know you’re in the hay- they won’t disturb you.”  
“Are you out of your mind?” Nolan barked in a hoarse whisper.  
“Did you have a better idea?” Richard threw back, opening the cage door and glancing at Gavin.  
“Don’t worry, just bury yourself in the hay,” Gavin ordered, listening as the voices walked through the ring toward the back of the stables. They would eventually wind around the main path toward this side.  
“Can you see us?” Connor asked.  
“No,” Gavin breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that there was still plenty of straw and it didn’t look odd.  
Leading the tigers in, he let them sniff the hay and showed them the direction for lying down on top of the hay.  
“What are you doing?” Nolan wheezed.  
“I’m teaching the tigers to lay on top of you so it’s convincing,” Gavin said back hastily, gesturing for the tigers to come out with him again and tossing a piece of meat from his side bag into the hall ahead, as close to the voices as he could. The tigers ran after it, growling at each other in their race.  
“What’s going on?” an unfamiliar voice yelled out warily.  
“Who’s there?” Gavin yelled, channeling his shaky voice.  
“Gavin? What are you doing in here?” Cole asked, “what’s going on with the tigers?”  
“They’re coming your way! They got out of hand, just wait there, I’ll bring them back. Just stay calm.”  
There was silence as Gavin caught up to the tigers, who had moved toward the smell of a new person the moment they had devoured the treat.  
“Get it away from me!” A skinny man yelled, poking at Sock Princess with a fancy cane.  
“Don’t do that!” Gavin said, slapping the cane away dramatically, “that agitates them!”  
He wasn’t sure why Connor, Richard, and Nolan were so scared of this man. There was no way he stood a chance in a fight. He looked like one of those biology professors that had come to his home to lecture to him. Just… greasier.  
“Come on, come on,” Gavin held out another slab of raw meat, attracting the attention of the tigers.  
Cole eyed Gavin, walking a safe distance behind him with his company, who attempted to look put together with an adjustment of his tophat.  
“How’d you lose control of these beasts, anyway?” The man complained, “if you can’t control them, you shouldn’t be opening their cage door!”  
“They just whacked my snack bag off my belt, sir,” Gavin responded calmly, beginning to dislike the way the man spoke, “and a piece of meat flew out and they ran for it.”  
Gavin ushered them into their cage, and they obediently followed his gestures, laying on the hay and setting their heads down, barely moving the straw as they did so.  
Closing the door, Gavin turned to Cole and the proud gentlemen politely.  
“I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting you, sir,” Gavin held out his hand and bowed his head slightly.  
“What a pleasant young man,” the gentleman snorted, “as long as I ignore your shabby clothes, disfigured face, and shoeless feet.”  
“The sacrifice of the trade,” Gavin put down his hand when the handshake was not returned.  
“This is Mr. Elijah Kamski,” Cole introduced, “and this is our Animal Tamer.”  
Mr. Kamski’s eyes widened slightly in surprise.  
“Him? Your Animal Tamer?”  
“Yes.”  
“Hmm,” Mr. Kamski frowned, his beady eyes staring straight into Gavin as if analyzing him like a Shakespearean text.  
“You haven’t seen Connor around, have you?” Cole asked timidly, his eyes screaming at Gavin to say no.  
“I haven’t seen him since dinner last night. Do you need him?”  
“I’ve come to check on my investments,” Mr. Kamski informed tightly, “but they seem to be evading me.”  
“Well, I assure you, sir, I will let Cole or Hank know the moment I see them. They’ve been having a tiff lately, Connor was saying that he might go on a walkabout today down the rails just to get away from Nolan.”  
“See, I’ve been saying they’re probably out,” Cole turned to Mr. Kamski, “but I assure you they are in great health.”  
“You know I’m on a schedule, Mr. Anderson. I am terribly disappointed in your mockery of me today. I traveled quite a distance to make sure your circus was in one piece.”  
“We are very grateful for your contributions to this circus, Mr. Kamski, but you are also under no obligation to help us.”  
The air was thick with their utter disdain for each other.  
“I’m just making sure you’re not damaging the goods I’ve so generously gifted you. They are the key piece of your show, everyone knows it.”  
“Please, Mr. Kamski, why don’t you stay a little longer. I’ll treat you to some nice food at a restaurant in town and we can wait to see if the brothers return.”  
“If they don’t show up…”  
“Then they don’t show up,” Cole narrowed his eyes, leading Mr. Kamski past Gavin, “and you’ll have to wait and see them at their next performance.”  
“Let’s hope so, Mr. Anderson. For your sake.”


	15. A Study On Happiness

As soon as the slimy gentleman was throwing distance away from the stable, Gavin ran back and ordered the tigers off of the brothers.  
Nolan launched out of the hay, wheezing and grumbling about how uncomfortable he had been, but stopped immediately when Connor started crying.  
“Hey, it’s okay, he’s gone now,” Nolan murmured, his face softening significantly and his eyes focusing on Connor as if the entire world had disappeared.  
It looked strange to see Nolan acting so kind toward his twin brother.  
“Come here, it’s okay.”  
Nolan crawled over to where Connor hadn’t even bothered to brush the straws out of his hair or clothes, holding him tightly and rocking him back and forth. The tigers looked on with interested expressions but did not move nearer by Gavin’s instruction.  
“I think it might be better if we split up and hide,” Richard said slowly, pushing himself up to a sitting position with his arms. He screwed up his face and let out a squeak of pain.  
“Yeah,” Nolan nodded, rubbing Connor’s back and holding his head to his shoulder, “I’ll take him to the train. We’ll hide in Hank’s secret closet if we have to.”  
Richard nodded solemnly, looking at Connor with an almost blank look on his face.  
Nolan stood up, picking Connor up with him and walking him out of the cage.  
“Thanks for helping us,” he said quietly, “we owe you.”  
“No… I think maybe we’re even,” Gavin replied, looking significantly at the bandages still tightly wound on Connor’s hands.  
“Okay,” Nolan pursed his lips, “we’re even. I forgive you.”  
Gavin forced down the smile that threatened to spread across his face, watching as they walked off, Nolan’s soothing words calming Connor.  
“What about you?” Gavin asked, turning to Richard.  
“What about me?”  
“Well… where are you going to go?”  
“I’m going to stay here,” Richard grunted, pushing himself up against the wooden slats forming the sidewalls of the cage, “if he comes back, I’ll need someone to hide me again. My injury doesn’t make me a very fast mover.”  
Gavin frowned slightly, “do you think he will?”  
“Hell if I know.”  
“Who is he, exactly? Why are you guys so scared of him?”  
Richard tilted his head toward Gavin, an empty look on his face. Gavin was familiar with that look. He had seen it many times on himself.  
“Nevermind,” Gavin spoke quickly.  
“Yeah, I don’t want to talk about it,” Richard said decidedly.  
Gavin stood in the dusty hall awkwardly for a few moments, staring at his double-socked feet and wondering what he was supposed to do now.  
“Would you, ummm... keep reading that book?”  
Gavin’s head snapped up out of his trance, “what?”  
“You were reading earlier,” Richard looked at his hands as he wrung them together in his lap, “you could keep reading.”  
“Oh, yeah, I guess that’d pass the time easier, huh?” Gavin spoke mostly to himself as he rushed off to the main ring and snatched the book up from where he had dropped it. Neera followed him all the way there and back.  
“Are you sure it won’t bother you?” Gavin said, finding a comfortable position to sit in as he prepared to wait there with Richard until Cole came back to tell them that the dirty man was gone.  
“I’m sure,” Richard was pale in the face, staring at his hands absently.  
“I hope it’ll provide sufficient enough of a distraction,” Gavin murmured, understanding Richard’s real request.  
“The north and south winds met where the house stood-”  
“You already read that part. You left off where she closed the trap door.”  
Gavin snorted, scanning the page for that scene, “okay… ‘hour after hour passed away, and slowly Dorothy got over her fright…’”

“There you are!”  
Gavin jerked awake, sucking in a load of dirt into his nose before rattling off the last line he had just read in the book, scrambling to find his place again.  
“We must journey until we find the road of yellow brick again!”  
“Gavin, you can stop.”  
Blinking, he looked up to see both Hank and Cole standing over him, a curling smile pulling up the corners of Hank’s moustache and beard.  
“Oh,” Gavin could feel his face going red and looked down.  
“It’s okay, you needed some sleep,” Richard snorted from where he sat, still propped against the wall, “you re-read a few of those pages a couple times without realizing it.”  
“You should’ve said something!” Gavin protested.  
Richard shook his head, a relaxed smile on his face, “sorry.”  
“Need some help up there, Rich?” Hank asked, walking into the cage with Cole, both leaning down and lifting him off the ground, “we finally got that order of morphine, too, so you should be able to sleep better.”  
“Thank god,” Richard wheezed, stabilizing himself on his feet and standing up straight on his own.  
“Here, you’re probably stiff after laying there for so long,” Cole offered an arm and Richard took it, letting Cole lead him down the aisle of sleeping creatures.  
“Come on, Gavin,” Hank offered him a hand, “we’re packing up.”  
“We’re leaving? Is it morning already?”  
“Not quite, but yeah, we’re leaving,” Hank said frankly, pulling Gavin up with a huff and watching as he directed the tigers to their cage with a simple whistle and point of a finger.  
Hank let a slow whistle loose from his lips, “that is very impressive. You know that, right?”  
Gavin shrugged.  
“We may have to start you working on an act.”  
Gavin shook his head vigorously, and Hank laughed at his distress, “don’t worry, I’m kidding, but keep that in mind. If you feel like you’re up to it, we’d love to see what you put together.”  
“Don’t get your hopes up,” Gavin said bluntly, shoving his hands in his pockets and bracing himself against the pre-sunrise chill.  
“Did that man Kamski leave?”  
“Yes, but he’ll be back.”  
“Why was he here?”  
Hank didn’t answer for a moment, the sounds of the circus camp being broken down beating out a type of working song.  
“He lost them to Cole on a bet, and he thinks that we cheated him. He comes whenever he smells trouble, hoping to get the authorities involved and get those boys back for himself.”  
“Why does he think he can do that?” Gavin said, grinding his teeth angrily.  
“Because all we have is a signed paper documenting that he agreed to the bet and that Cole won. He still has their personal identification, which gives him weight if he ever felt like we were weak to a lawsuit,” Hank paused, glancing at Gavin, “he’s a dangerous man, Gavin. If you see him, stay away from him and warn everyone around you.”  
“We meet a lot of those, it seems,” Gavin muttered.  
“Yeah, well some people who are depressed and entrenched in a miserable lifestyle don’t like to see others enjoying their lives in a way that’s meaningful, and they spite the things they see as unnatural. We are both happy and unnatural, which makes us a target.”  
They stooped into their tent and Gavin began to quickly gather his things.  
“What does it mean to be happy, Hank?”  
Hank slung a bag over his shoulder, “I dunno, son, you’ve got to figure that out on your own. We all live happy differently.”  
“Okay…” Gavin wasn’t incredibly satisfied with that answer, but just like anything he read or heard that didn’t satisfy his need to understand, he vowed to figure it out on his own through personal research.  
“Do you have any spare paper?” Gavin asked, tying down his sleeping pad along with its comforter and pillow.  
“You plannin’ on writing a novel or somethin'?” Hank laughed.  
“No, I’d just like to take some notes down about something I’m thinking of studying.”  
“Here,” Hank tossed Gavin a small, leather-bound book, “it’s a journal of mine. Never got around to using it, you can keep it.”  
“This is perfect, thank you!” Gavin grinned, stuffing it in his growing travel bag and heaving his belongings over his back, the jacket he wore protecting his still-fragile skin from the pinch of the fraying rope holding his new life together.

Gavin tossed an apple between his two hands as he slunk down the long aisle of train cars, passing between each by quickly running across their bridges, terrified of falling for reasons he couldn’t quite explain.  
He had just been out to check on the animals and make sure they had food and water. Cole had offered to help, but Gavin refused, considering the process of checking on each of their nearly 50 animals a type of meditation.  
Meg, Neera, and Princess hadn’t been very happy to see that he wasn’t planning on staying to spend time with them. He had other things on his mind.  
“Friend!”  
Ralph’s familiar voice caught Gavin off guard, his apple flying past his hand and into the wall, bruising it significantly.  
Picking up the fruit, Ralph breathed on it and pretended to shine it on the shoulder of his shirt, “there! Good as new!”  
Gavin smiled, inspecting the beat-up apple, “yup, good as new!”  
“When will you take off your bandages?” Ralph asked expectantly.  
Gavin itched the sticky material on his nose and the fabric tightly bound around his head.  
“Not for a while yet, Ralph, it’s still bad.”  
“Still tied up with string?”  
“Still tied up with string,” Gavin nodded, “how long did you have yours, Ralph?”  
“I don’t remember, 80 years I think,” Ralph nodded emphatically, his blonde hair jumping across his face with the aggressive movement.  
“See, I’ve only had mine for a few weeks. Not 80 years yet.”  
“Okay. I guess I’ll wait, then,” Ralph nodded, understanding replacing his disappointment.  
“I’ll be sure to show you as soon as I take them off,” Gavin rubbed his hand into Ralph’s head, messing up his hair even more.  
“We’re almost done with your costume!” Ralph grinned, following Gavin down the tight car aisle, most of the doors closed to allow for some, though minimal, privacy.  
“Oh yeah, when can I see it?” Gavin asked.  
“Not yet,” Ralph shook his head, “Ralph is sure that it will be the bees’ knees!”  
Gavin grinned, “will it, now? Not the tigers’ claws?”  
“Oh! Oh oh oh!” Ralph put a fist to his chin, “that is better!”  
“Where are you going?” Gavin turned, watching the boy suddenly dart away.  
“I have to tell my brothers that it’s the tigers’ claws!”  
Shaking his head, Gavin jumped across the bridge to the second to last passenger car.  
The constant clank of the train disguised his approach, so when he knocked on the brothers’ door, he heard someone jump and hit their head on something hard.  
“Sorry!” Gavin yelled through the door, “I just wanted to see how you were doing.”  
Connor threw open the door, his smile and crinkly, freckle-covered nose back in action.  
“Gavin, you’re the best!” He hugged Gavin tightly, and for the first time in a while, Gavin didn’t flinch.  
“Oh- wait, did that hurt?” Connor asked, his already-blushy cheeks reddening further.  
“Probably not as much as my head,” Nolan muttered from the top bunk.  
“Definitely not as much as his head,” Gavin agreed, feeling a strange elation that it hadn’t hurt that much at all. That meant his burns were healing well… but it also meant his bruises were finally gone.  
“How are you?” Gavin asked, peering around Connor to see Richard propped up with pillows, a book extremely close to his face.  
“I think we’re doing a lot better, for the most part,” Connor gestured for Gavin to come into the cramped quarters, “we’re just glad to be on the road again.”  
“Yeah, hopefully your hands will be good enough to throw me my bars during our next performance,” Nolan said sullenly.  
“I told you they would! I’m fine!” Connor griped, turning back to Gavin, “really, we’re doing fine.”  
Gavin nodded, “I really am sorry about you getting burned and…broken.”  
He said this last word with a significant glance at Richard, who was still covering his face with the book. It was too dirty and worn out to tell what it was about.  
“It’s not your fault,” Connor started.  
“I told you, I forgive you, now come off it!” Nolan rolled his eyes, “besides, anyone who’s friends with my brother I am obligated to pay deference to, so whatever.”  
“What they said,” Richard mumbled.  
“He’s been acting like this ever since Cole helped him into the cabin,” Connor whispered to Gavin.  
Gavin thought he saw Richard smack himself in the face with his book, but he couldn’t be sure.  
“If you two ladies are gonna keep gossiping, go out in the hall and close the door,” Richard complained.  
“Yeah, my head hurts!” Nolan said in agreement.  
“Come on, you can sit with me on my bed,” Gavin offered, stepping out into the hall and pointing to the bridge to Hank and Cole’s car.  
“Let’s go, then!” Connor grinned, following Gavin without hesitation.  
For a beautiful moment, Gavin felt a lightness on his shoulders that he wouldn’t trade for anything. This feeling would be the first of many scenes recorded in his research journal.


	16. Not So Far Away Now, Are We?

Gavin knew he was there before he announced himself as usual. It had been too many days in a row for Gavin not to periodically check the ring seats in the stable every few hours while he cleaned and exercised the animals.  
Now that he had let go of the shame he had felt for the fire and packed it away for the time being, he felt encouraged to go outside and run the animals through the larger, fenced spaces just behind the building.  
He had spent all day setting up the place, he was going to use it.  
“So, what brings you here today?” Gavin asked, glancing up at the stands on his way to release the old lion and the three tigers. He had gotten brave enough to do all four at once for their exercising, then the old lion would practically walk himself to his cage to go back to sleep.  
Gavin had named him ‘King Sleeps A Lot’.  
“What I’m always here to do,” Richard replied shortly.  
“Escape the arguments of your brothers?” Gavin put his hands on his hips, feeling much braver with Richard than he ever had before, “I thought they made up?”  
“That’s not what I’m here to do.”  
Confused, Gavin folded his arms, “then what’s the deal?”  
Richard stood up slowly, walking down the large steps toward the wall creating the miniature ring. He walked like a 90-year-old man who needed a cane.  
“I just wanted to figure you out, that’s all.”  
Richard leaned into his hands that he had placed like posts on the tabletop of the wall, looking down at Gavin.  
“What’s there to figure out?”  
“You’re really strange. What kind of maniac runs into a burning train to save animals that play no significant role in anyone’s lives after having worked with them for a handful of days? I didn’t get it.”  
“So you… watched me,” Gavin made a face.  
“Well, I wasn’t just going to approach you and ask you like it was a normal conversation starter!” Richard made a face back.  
“So you thought watching me like a damn stalker was better?”  
Richard looked away, moving to his elbows as he leaned more weight into the table.  
“I guess I didn’t really see it that way.”  
“Obviously,” Gavin rolled his eyes, “what did you learn from your observations?”  
“You care more about animals than people, why is that?”  
“Now you’re asking me questions? You barely answered mine!” Gavin protested.  
“You told me to ask,” Richard smirked.  
“What kind of answers do you want?”  
“There are only two types. Real or fake, and fake answers don’t help me with my goal of trying to understand you, do they?” Richard stated flatly.  
“Okay, okay,” Gavin glanced at the tigers, who were jumping across a ball aggressively and fighting each other for the next turn to pounce on it.  
“Animals cannot lie. That’s why I like spending time with them.”  
Richard nodded appreciatively at the well-considered answer.  
“Okay, so how’d you get those dumb tigers to like you so much? I swear they follow you around like you’re their mom.”  
“I don’t know. I guess they trust me because I helped one of them out,” Gavin shrugged, “the way I treat the animals isn’t exactly something someone taught me.”  
“Yeah, I get that, I’m just shocked. They don’t even beg for a snack that often like the old lion does,” Richard said, climbing onto the top of the wall and laying down.  
“Does your chest hurt?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Why’d you leave bed?”  
“I was bored.”  
Gavin sighed, “well, what am I supposed to do about that?”  
“Just pretend I’m not here.”  
“I can’t do that, because I know you’re here.”  
“Jesus, you’re so difficult,” Richard looked away, his black hair sticking to the wood as he considered his options.  
“I’m not telling you to leave, if that’s what you’re thinking,” Gavin said, “I just… it’s awkward.”  
“You do realize that Hank and Cole are eventually going to try and break your shyness, right?”  
Gavin vaguely remembered Cole mentioning that Richard was similarly shy and distant from other people, but performed anyway.  
“Any suggestions?”  
“You’re feeling rather confident today, aren’t you?” Richard turned his head back around to face Gavin, his head tilting just off the edge so he could actually see him directly.  
“Uh,” Gavin looked down, “honestly, I found you pretty intimidating before the incident in the tiger cell last week.”  
“I get that a lot,” Richard lifted up his arms, the upper portion and shoulders were still wrapped in gauze and cloth.  
“Just because I’m not loud like my brothers doesn’t mean I hate someone! It means that I don’t like to be loud!”  
Gavin laughed, “yeah, I get that.”  
“No, you don’t!” Richard let his arms drop loudly to his sides, “you’re literally just as loud as Connor and just as irritable as Nolan. You’re the worst.”  
“Excuse me?”  
“Yeah, you sulk extra loud and you make sure everyone sees that you’re having a bad time. I can’t believe you think hiding in the stable is a great way to avoid getting other people to feel sorry for you. God, I felt bad for you, seeing you starve yourself like some sort of weird hunger exhibitionist.”  
Gavin felt a flare of anger burst to life in his chest, “I don’t do anything to try and get pity from others!”  
“Then take those stupid bandages off your face!” Richard challenged.  
“I can’t, Cole said-”  
“That’s an excuse.” Richard folded his arms and stared at the tilted ceiling of the stable-tent. “Like I said, you’re just as loud as them. Maybe you don’t intend to be, but you are.”  
“So what if they’re loud, huh? You know exactly why they are the way they are. I bet Connor’s nice to everyone and Nolan is mean and blunt because that was their survival tactic while they were with your former owner!”  
Richard forced himself into a sitting position, glaring at Gavin as he continued.  
“And you just turned into an unfeeling asshole.”  
“What’s the point you’re trying to make?” Richard hissed.  
“You don’t know me,” Gavin scratched Neera’s head as she walked close to him, rubbing her cheeks into his hip at the sound of his distress.  
“And you don’t know me,” Richard threw back.  
“Then I guess we’re at a standoff,” Gavin pointed a fake pistol at Richard, who, shockingly, pointed one straight back, his finger pointed.  
“Tell me something about yourself that you’d trust me with, and I’ll tell you something,” Richard suggested, “and we’ll call it a draw.”  
Gavin stuffed the imaginary revolver back in his pocket, “okay.”  
Richard imitated him, a small smile on his face as the grinding argument dissipated in an instant.  
“My last name is Reed.”  
He expected Richard to be surprised, but it didn’t arouse any sort of reaction. Gavin immediately gleaned that Richard and his brothers had probably either been sheltered or from a completely different area of the country if he didn’t know that name.  
“I don’t have a last name,” Richard replied.  
“I’d gladly let you take mine,” Gavin joked, wishing he could peel the name off his birth certificate.  
“Huh?”  
Gavin felt his face go hot the moment he realized what he said.  
“Wait-”  
Richard laughed, gripping his sides in agony but not showing it in his delightedly humored face.

That evening, Richard followed Gavin up into the rafters of the ring, showing him the box he had sat on to watch his first show.  
“Cole told me it was the best seat in the house for the best part of the show,” Gavin explained, helping Richard onto the box, “but I guess it won’t be so great since you and Connor aren’t out there.”  
The circus had begun performing again a few days after settling into the town, and this would be their inaugural performance since the fire nearly a month previous. The ring was packed.  
“Connor is actually going to be standing up on the jumping stands to throw Nolan his bars,” Richard explained miserably, hugging his knees and propping his chin on his knees.  
“Why can’t you do that?” Gavin asked, sliding into the space next to Richard, the box now very crowded with two people.  
“Nolan is convinced I’ll hurt myself if I try to do anything before I’m fully healed, so they prepared an alternative performance with just him and Connor helping.”  
“He’s pretty protective, isn’t he?”  
“He’s not even the oldest brother,” Richard grumbled.  
“Connor was born first?” Gavin snorted, “well, they’re twins, so the difference is negligible, isn’t it?”  
“Whatever. I’m more responsible than either of them.”  
Gavin rolled his eyes even though he knew Richard couldn’t see it in the semi-darkness, “well, you’re what, how much younger than them?”  
“Doesn’t matter.”  
“I don’t even know how old they are, so I really am clueless on the matter. I’m an only child, so it’s not like I know anything.”  
This managed to squeeze a smile out of him, the only suggestion of its appearance a glint of white teeth.  
“They’re 22. I just turned 20.”  
“Oh!” Gavin felt a weird relief, “well that’s good.”  
“What’s good?”  
“I just- well I’m turning 18 soon. I just thought you were a lot older than me.”  
“Most people think I’m the older brother,” Richard said matter of factly.  
The lights dimmed all the way and the hush of the crowd quieted their conversation briefly before the music began to play.  
“I’ve never actually seen the show,” Richard admitted, leaning forward to see the ground of the ring as the dancers came out in their refurbished costumes.  
“It’s incredible.”  
Gavin gave Richard more space so he could see better.  
They watched in awe-struck silence until the music changed and Richard became tense.  
“You know, I remember seeing you up here that first night,” Richard commented absently as if he were trying to distract himself.  
“Really?” Gavin shook his head, “you weren’t expecting to see a mummy I assume.”  
“Yeah, I wasn’t expecting to see anyone, then I see the guy who walked onto our stopped train with blood gushing out of his face. It was so shocking I actually missed my jump beat and had to wait a little longer before I could swing back into the ring again.”  
“Sure.”  
Gavin didn’t believe it for a second. He remembered what had happened. Richard had been completely composed and in control. There was no way he had been startled at seeing Gavin in a place where people weren’t supposed to sit.  
Richard held his breath suddenly, his hands wringing and gripping his pants as the lights shone on Nolan and Connor, who stood together on the high stand.  
Nolan dove from his position while Connor moved along the wires between stands to throw him various ropes and swings. The wire walking was impressive in and of itself, but knowing that Connor and Nolan had worked that into the act as part of Connor’s setting up Nolan for his throws made it even more genius in Gavin’s eyes.  
“Oh my god,” Richard whispered, clutching his knees so tightly a seam tore in the pants.  
“What?”  
“Nolan missed his third pass, he’s going to miss Connor’s throw.”  
Gavin turned quickly to the scene, not able to observe the imminent disaster.  
“Oh my god, oh my god,” Richard was attempting to stand up when Connor leaped from his wire, the bar he was meant to throw clutched in his hands, landing with a hard snap of the ropes and quickly turning himself upside down, hanging by his knees as he swung toward Nolan, who must have realized his mistake and was thrusting himself away from his bar with as much strength as he could manage.  
The effort of his jump was clear, but the anxiety of his reach for Connor was hidden, as hands barely locked together.  
“Holy hell,” Richard was shaking, “I don’t think I can keep watching this.”  
“It’s okay, it’s almost over, I think,” Gavin said, feeling more shaken at the sight of Richard’s distress. He hardly ever expressed more than the most necessary of emotional shifts. To see him so anxious felt weird, yet oddly comforting.  
“They just barely threw that act together,” Richard grumbled to himself, “that’s why Nolan slipped. It’ll be fine. It’s fine. They’re fine. They’ll practice more with the net, later. It’s fine. It’s fine.”  
Richard didn’t stop this muttering until both Nolan and Connor had disappeared out of the ring and the final portion of the show began.  
“Are you going to be okay?” Gavin asked hesitantly.  
“I’m fine,” Richard snapped.  
“Sorry,” Gavin shrank back, feeling uncomfortable sitting so close to him now.  
“I mean, I’ll be fine,” Richard sighed, as if convincing himself he had to apologize, “that was just… really hard to watch.”  
“I can only imagine.”  
“Can we go now?”  
“It’s not over!”  
“I just don’t like the crowds when they squeeze out of the tent. I always feel like I’m gonna throw up when so many people get so close.”  
Gavin stood up, “that’s fine.”  
They slunk out of the rafters and onto the nearly empty circus grounds.  
“Where will you go now?” Richard asked, not making eye contact with Gavin.  
It was another bright moon, making it much easier to see Richard’s face in the night light than up in the rafters of the giant circus tent.  
“I was probably going to prepare the cages for the animals or something before they come back.”  
“You already cleaned them today,” Richard said quickly, “you don’t have to clean them again, do you?”  
Gavin slowed down, “you sound like you’d prefer if I did something else with my free time this evening.”  
The only reason he wasn’t helping organize the animals now was because Cole had scolded him for not letting his feet and hands heal properly, and he had threatened to ban Gavin from the stables if he didn’t take his bed rest more seriously.  
“Well, I know you’re not supposed to be in the stables, anyway,” Richard muttered.  
“Are you spying on me for Cole?” Gavin felt immediately stung but had a hard time believing it even as he said it.  
“No- I just… God this is so embarrassing.”  
“Just spit it out.”  
“I was wondering if you would teach me how to read.”


	17. Violence Is Not Always The Best Option....Except For Today

Gavin stared at Richard, unsure how to react.  
“But- I’ve seen you reading a book before!”  
“I just look at the pictures,” Richard admitted sheepishly, looking entirely away from Gavin.  
“Oh… but you talk so…”  
“Like I’m literate?” Richard finished for him, “yeah, we all do. You noticed. It’s really humiliating, actually.”  
“So how’d that happen?”  
“Mr. Kamski and his… maid…”  
Gavin raised an eyebrow.  
“I’ll explain some other time,” Richard waved, desperately wanting to change the subject, “they just spoke to us in a very defined way and we picked it up. That’s all. They expected us to speak as if we were from the highest of society.”  
“Okay,” Gavin shrugged, “I don’t really know how to teach people how to read, but I’ll try, if that’s what you really want.”  
“Yes!” Richard threw his hands up, “you have no idea how boring it is to be around here sometimes.”  
“There are lots of people to talk-”  
“I don’t exactly derive my personal comfort and enjoyment from being around lots of people, Gavin, if you haven’t picked that up yet.”  
“Right, sorry. I guess I didn’t really consider that.”  
“Don’t tell anyone, okay?” Richard said in a whisper, “not even Hank and Cole know that we can’t read.”  
“Your secret is safe with me,” Gavin assured, taking a turn toward his tent, “that Wizard of Oz book is still on my bed, we could try that.”  
“That sounds perfect.”  
Richard was wringing his hands again and anxiously looking over his shoulder as if he expected someone to be approaching them from behind or announcing that they had overheard their conversation.  
Gavin opened the flap of the tent and stumbled around until he found the lamp and switched it on.  
“Alright… hm…” Gavin was flipping through the book now, “wait, maybe we should start with the alphabet. Hold on.”  
He grabbed his journal out of his bag and flipped it around, opening it from behind and propping it between their legs as he sat down next to Richard, pulling out a pencil and writing out the alphabet.  
This continued for quite some time. They studied over the sounds of hundreds of people laughing and talking about the circus on their way home. They studied over the sounds of animals being led back to their cages and the animated conversations of their fellow circus members.  
Whenever someone would get too close Richard would grow quiet. He didn’t want anyone to hear him.  
“Do you want to stop for the night?” Gavin asked when too many people were crowding near the ringmasters’ tent.  
“Yeah,” Richard said, looking disappointed, but calmer than he had earlier that evening.  
“I’ll tear out these pages for you so you can-”  
Right then, Connor burst into the tent, running into the back before he noticed Gavin and Richard.  
“Oh god, there you are!” He gasped, “it’s him!”  
Richard was on his feet in an instant.  
“Where do we go?”  
“Hank’s secret closet!”  
“I can’t fit!”  
Gavin’s mind spun. He looked at his own bed on the floor, the large comforter blankets piled high.  
“Lay down, I’m going to make up my bed around you,” Gavin ordered quickly, ripping all the pillows and sheets off the thin mattress and tossing them on top of Richard strategically, making the bed look like a mess, but more sat in than anything else.  
In the meantime, Connor had slipped into Hank’s stand-up closet, a secret compartment below just barely fitting his flexible body. Gavin had to close the door and hide the handle.  
Returning to the bed, Gavin sat down where he had bunched the blankets after scattering his clothes on top and pulling out a mending kit that Cole had given him and taught him how to use during his days in bed rest.  
Just as he was preparing to pretend to mend a sock, loud voices rushed toward the tent, and the sewer rat gentleman himself burst into the room.  
Gavin’s bed was hidden behind Cole’s dresser, giving him an extra layer of protection before Mr. Kamski stormed into the back of the tent, Nolan in his tight grip. Cole and Hank could be heard running toward the tent, a crowd of circus members rushing with them.  
“You!” He glared at Gavin, “where are the brothers?”  
“I don’t know, I’ve been on bed rest. I haven’t left my bed all day.”  
Mr. Kamski glared at Gavin, his dark beady eyes like that of an animal’s.  
“Where are they?” He yelled at Nolan, who looked slightly roughed up, one eye swelling and the other eye red with held-back tears.  
“I told you- I to- I told- y-you I do- do- do”  
“You know where they are, pretty boy! Tell me before I have to force it out of you!”  
Mr. Kamski’s free hand was not going in the direction Gavin would have expected for a normal threat. Gavin felt two fingers tug at Gavin’s shirt discreetly, but in obvious panic.  
He leaped to his feet.  
“Excuse me, sir, but what the holy hell are you doing?”  
Mr. Kamski jumped, having quickly forgotten about Gavin’s presence.  
“I’m disciplining him. You know I own him, right?”  
“No, you don’t,” Cole gasped, bursting into the tent, a pistol in his hand, “let him go.”  
“Just let me see them!” Mr. Kamski begged, his demeanor changing completely, “I just want to see them together---They didn’t all perform together!! You’re hiding them from me on purpose!”  
“You don’t get to see them if they don’t want to see you, Elijah. Leave, or I will use force.”  
Hank was entering the tent now, followed by many others, including Chloe, who was brandishing her knives dangerously.  
“Sixty, you wanted to see me, right?” Kamski turned to Nolan, his hand still gripping his wrist tightly, “right?”  
Nolan was shaking like a fall leaf.  
“I- I- I wa- I wan-”  
“Nolan, you don’t have to answer him.”  
“Sixty,” Kamski jerked his arm.  
Nolan nodded, tears flowing down his normally stoic face, “I-I-it’s al- It’s always- a - a- a pleas-”  
“Nolan.”  
Hank was standing over them now, his hand over Kamski’s hand.  
“Release him now, Mr. Kamski. I am prepared to use force.”  
“Please--- just for one ---- just for one night let me---”  
Cole cocked the gun and pointed it directly at his head.  
Mr. Kamski’s expression changed again, and he became suave and cool again, “threatening me may be a bad choice.”  
“It’s your word against all of ours,” Cole whispered.  
“You’re just a bunch of no-name freaks with no power or influence.”  
“We have money.”  
“I have more. I’ll take this all from you. I’ll get them back, you know I will---”  
“You won’t,” Gavin walked slowly toward him, his insides churning with disgust at what he was about to do.  
“Oh yeah? Shoot me, and the authorities will be all over you---”  
Gavin really had no idea what had come over him, but his fist was connecting with the rat-man’s face and launching him across the tent.  
“Anyone who wears faux couture waistcoats and dime-store top-hats doesn’t have enough money to do shit,” he breathed.  
Mr. Kamski stared up at Gavin, eyes wide and confused.  
“How would a kid from the gutter know the price of my clothing?” He sputtered.  
Gavin barked out a laugh, his body shaking as he continued on.  
“None of your damn business… business you obviously don’t have, or you would’ve had those holes mended in your socks by now, right?” Gavin gestured at the hole that was visible now that Mr. Kamski was on the ground.  
Kamski was out of the tent and past the crowd not a second after Gavin had finished his sentence.  
“Holy shit, Gavin,” Cole whispered.  
Gavin felt his cheeks heat up and his face crumple away from the overtly serious one he had been faking.  
“I’m sorry, I-”  
“Don’t apologize,” Hank waved, “just… how did you know he was wearing fake silks?”  
Gavin looked at everyone surrounding the tent.  
“My mother would have never let me wear something as poorly fitted and trashy as that outfit,” he muttered.  
Hank and Cole exchanged glances.  
Nolan collapsed to the floor in tears.  
“Alright, everybody clear out!” Hank turned to the others crowding the entrance to the tent, “I’ll find you if I need anything else.”  
Chloe was the most hesitant to leave of the group, but a stern look from Cole sent her away, long blonde hair swishing behind her.  
“You boys should stay in here tonight,” Hank suggested, lifting Connor out of the secret closet. He stumbled to the ground and ran to Nolan, who was in a heap on the floor, sobbing silently.  
Gavin turned to his own bed, where Richard had already pulled himself upright, the huge blankets wrapped around him like a cocoon. His face was blank and whiter than snow. Everyone was uncomfortably silent, and on top of that, Hank and Cole kept staring at Gavin as if he had sprouted a third eye.  
“I think I’ll go…” he said shiftily, wanting to run away from the heavy stares and having no desire to answer the questions scrawled on their faces. Whatever bravery he had shown only a few minutes before had disappeared, just as it often did with him.  
“Wait,” Connor interrupted, still holding Nolan, who was shaking so badly he looked like he was having a weird type of stroke.  
Gavin stood still, barely able to make eye contact with Connor as he waited for a continuation.  
“Nolan wants you to stay,” Connor paused, “I want you to stay.”  
Blinking, Gavin felt the anxious sweat beading at his collar, “look, I don’t know what happened- I- I can’t protect you. I can’t even protect myself, you know-”  
“Gavin,” Richard interrupted, his voice devoid of life, “shut up and just stay.”  
Sitting on the edge of his bed reluctantly, Gavin waited for someone to break the stern silence that had fallen on the group.  
“Is Nolan hurt?” Cole asked finally.  
Connor pressed his head against Nolan’s, whose face was firmly planted into his shoulder.  
“He got jabbed in the eye with a cane and his wrist hurts.”  
Gavin was astonished that there was even communication happening, he couldn’t hear anything coming from Nolan’s lips.  
“I’ll get some ice,” Hank ducked out of the tent.  
“Did he….?”  
Connor grimaced, but shook his head, “no.”  
“I’m sorry,” Cole’s voice shook, “we weren’t careful tonight-”  
“It’s okay, Cole,” Richard said in a monotone voice, “we’ll get over it.”  
Connor glared at Richard angrily.  
Gavin couldn’t understand the unspoken exchange between the brothers, but whatever it was, he knew that he had never had to endure something as bad as that.  
“I’ll grab the stuff from your tent, stay in here,” Cole said, turning and leaving the tent quickly.  
There was a long silence that extended after the flap slapped against the entryway of the room. Gavin wanted to scream, feeling his skin crawl with discomfort. He didn’t know how to deal with this situation, let alone what to say to the obviously terrified brothers.  
A light tap on his shoulder had him on his feet, nearly falling to the ground in his shock, he had been so entrenched in his thoughts.  
“Sorry,” Gavin tried to laugh and sit back down, looking at Richard who had pulled back his hand.  
“Would you… read again?” He asked, something repressed behind his ice-blue eyes begging for something else. Gavin was caught there for a long time before realizing he hadn’t answered the question.  
“Is that what you want?” He stumbled over the words stupidly, breaking eye contact with Richard and looking at Connor, who nodded somberly.  
Gavin stood, looking at the brothers with a pang in his gut. It was something he hadn’t felt for a long time, and he had to remind himself that he wasn’t home anymore. It was okay to have friends. It was okay to care about people.


	18. The Priests At Confessional Were Animals

Gavin read until all three of the brothers fell asleep. They were wrapped up in each other’s arms like they couldn’t get close enough or hold on tight enough. Something like envy pricked inside of Gavin, but he ignored it, closing the book he had started reading to them.  
It was called Doctor Dolittle, and Gavin really wanted to continue reading it but decided that Connor would probably complain if he read ahead. Or maybe Richard would. Gavin realized that Richard would probably want him to start in the exact place where he last remembered before falling asleep.  
His attention to detail was exasperating to Gavin, but somehow endearing in a weird way. His particularness to odd and unimportant things seemed to be a habit he had gotten into to distract himself from boredom.  
Now that Gavin was thinking about it, however, he wondered if perhaps all the brothers were simply trying to live in a way that quieted the memories in their minds.  
“You gave up your bed, I see,” Hank noted, walking in a few minutes after Gavin had closed the book.  
“They needed it more.”  
Hank nodded, pulling at his silver-gray facial hair thoughtfully, “come over here, when Cole comes he’ll want to check on your face. You should be healed enough to take the stitches out.”  
Gavin pushed himself up from the dusty carpet that separated him from the earth, walking to the edge of Cole’s bed and sitting down.  
“So… I feel like maybe we should know a little bit more about you.”  
Gavin gripped his knees and looked down.  
“I shouldn’t have done that.”  
“Why not? It obviously did the job. Nothing wrong in pointing out a scheming liar.”  
“I don’t want anyone to know about where I’m from, ” Gavin whispered.  
“No one will care, son.”  
“I care. I don’t want anything to do with… those people.”  
Hank sighed.  
Gavin stared at his knees.  
“Do you think they’re looking for you?” Hank asked, turning to the door as Cole appeared in the entryway.  
“I doubt it… but there’s always a possibility.”  
“Don’t worry, Gavin, we’ll look out for you. You’re almost an adult, you are not required by law to stay with them after you’re 18.”  
Gavin wouldn’t say it, but the law had never stopped his family before. He just hoped that they had already moved on. Maybe they would try and have another son to fill that position.  
“You’ve really come into your own since you’ve been here, Gavin,” Hank interrupted the silence as Cole started pulling the gauze off of Gavin’s face and inspecting the scars.  
“We were thinking you might consider helping us with an act.”  
“I don’t know,” Gavin frowned, feeling the weird tugging sensation of the thread underneath his skin as Cole began to pull out the stitches, “I could prepare the animals to do an act, probably, but I think I’d lose my nerve in front of a lot of people.”  
“You were just barely in front of a lot of people, and you put on an excellent performance,” Hank laughed.  
“That’s not the same,” Cole and Gavin said in unison.  
“I feel like you think I’m going to be able to go out there and act just like you, but I can’t do that,” Gavin continued, squeezing his eyes shut as Cole pulled out the last of the thread from his nose and moved to his eyebrow. The stitches on his lip had fallen out ages ago.  
“We want you to act like you,” Hank corrected, “we’re old news.”  
“I don’t know what that means,” Gavin said honestly, cutting himself off with a wince as Cole cleaned the wounds before bandaging them up again.  
“You’ll figure it out,” Cole assured, “but the only way to figure it out is by trying.”  
“I’ll think about it.”  
Gavin was lying about that, but he didn’t want the conversation to continue. He hoped if he avoided it long enough, they would just give up.

* * *

“How’s Nolan doing?” Chloe asked as they ate lunch together that next day. She was shoving food down because she had a small performance in one of the tents at 3:00 and needed to get ready for it.  
“He’s still not talking,” Connor replied, stirring the food on his plate absently.  
“Where is he?”  
“With Richard, I think. At least, they were both still asleep when I got up this morning.”  
He smiled at Gavin slightly. He had gone with him to the stables to feed the animals and change their water. He had hardly spoken a word for the duration of their work, but Gavin had sensed that doing things with his hands and having people nearby was a comfort to him.  
“I’m glad Hank had you boys stay in his tent,” Chloe nodded approvingly through a mouth full of potato, “they should’ve been more careful. I can’t believe that guy snuck in.”  
“Can we talk about something else?” Connor asked with a tight smile.  
“Sorry Connor,” Chloe swallowed, “I have to go now, anyway. Will you be back for dinner?”  
“Yeah.”  
“We can sneak out and go out on the town?” She suggested, brushing the crumbs from her blouse.  
“I… don’t think so. But maybe if you brought something back?” Connor suggested.  
“You got it, boss!” She grinned, tipping her hat and rushing off, her red sash flowing behind her as she ran.  
“I’m going to go back to the stables, do you want to come?” Gavin asked, looking at Connor’s untouched plate.  
“I don’t know, I think I should check up on Nolan. I doubt Richard hung around to make sure he was okay.”  
“Why’s that?”  
“Richard gets really vacant in these kinds of situations. It’s like he’s not even there, and he forgets to care about other people. It’s like he dies inside. It’s probably because of what he had to deal with…” Connor trailed off, “that’s not my business to talk about.”  
“Right, that’s fine,” Gavin waved his hands, “how about I bring you all dinner in the tent? I’m sure Hank and Cole won’t mind.”  
“That’d be good.”  
“Connor, please eat,” Gavin added quietly.  
“I don’t feel well.”  
“I know, but please try. I know from personal experience. It always helps.”  
Connor obeyed, forcing himself to swallow a few spoonfuls of mashed potatoes and a few bites of bread. That’s as much as he could muster, but at least it was better than nothing.  
“Take the bread with you,” Gavin instructed, “save it for when you’re feeling hungry again, okay?”  
Connor followed the instructions, stuffing the bread heel into his pocket and following him into the cleaning tent where Gavin cleaned both of their dishes.  
“I think I’ll go now,” Connor mumbled, “I’ll see you tonight.”  
Gavin stacked the last plate, waving at him and heading in the opposite direction. He felt a heavy weight on his shoulders at the sight of Connor’s depression and wondered what he could possibly do to get his spirits back.  
It just wasn’t right to see Connor without an excited look on his face.  
Gavin wandered through the grounds, the maze of tents perfectly memorized now as he dodged through crowds of people and circus members alike as he headed toward the stables.  
He was only slightly surprised to see Richard in his usual spot.  
“How’s Nolan?”  
“Still passed out.”  
Richard seemed more than a little grumpy to have been acknowledged so quickly.  
“How are your injuries?” Gavin asked, an idea coming to his mind as he remembered how much it had helped Connor to do some simple tasks.  
“Not bad. A little stiff because of how I slept last night.”  
“Up for a little bit of work?” Gavin asked with a sly smile.  
“What?”  
“Are you just going to sit on your pockets all day and watch me do hard labor, or are you going to come down here and help me clean the cages?” Gavin repeated.  
“Can I watch you do hard labor?” Richard replied, but slowly moved to get up.  
“As fun as that must be,” Gavin rolled his eyes, “I’m pretty sure I’d like to get it over with just as much as anyone else. It’s not like I’m in love with cleaning up animal shit.”  
“I dunno, could’a convinced me,” Richard shrugged, dropping himself carefully into the dirt ring and brushing his bare shoulders off.  
“Hilarious,” Gavin opened the shed and threw a shovel at Richard.  
“You’re making me clean the shit?” Richard complained.  
“No, you baby, I’m making you shovel it into the wheelbarrow. I’ll gather it for you and take the wheelbarrow away. No need to get all worked up and excited.”  
“Get off,” Richard grumbled, looking away from Gavin angrily.  
“You’re the one that came down and accepted my cleaning invitation.”  
“Whatever, I’d be a horrible person if I didn’t help. Besides, I wouldn’t want to stop you from having your special tiger fetish time.”  
Gavin choked on air at his comment, opening up the donkey’s stable and walking inside.  
“Fetish??”  
“You’re literally in love with them.”  
“Just because I gave them names does not mean-”  
“What’s this donkey’s name, huh?”  
“Uh… Richard.”  
Richard punched him hard in the shoulder and Gavin had to hide the quick shock of anxiety it caused him.  
“They just really like me, I don’t know what to tell you!” Gavin protested as they started into the work of cleaning the stable.  
“Are you sure they don’t just want to eat you?” Richard countered.  
“I’m pretty damn sure.”  
“You’re crazy. Tigers are man-eating carnivores! How are you not afraid of that?”  
“You literally sat in their cage for hours!” Gavin shot back, their heated banter moving from the donkey’s stable to the mules’ stable.  
“They are only slightly less terrifying than him,” Richard muttered darkly, tapping the end of his shovel against the ground as if he wanted to say more.  
There was a long silence.  
“But you seemed to do a decent job of taming that excuse for a man, too,” Richard added, his voice softening slightly, “how did you do it? You’ve never struck me as the confrontational type.”  
Gavin threw down the fresh straw and grass on the ground, considering how he should answer.  
“I… don’t know what came over me… I honestly hate that I don’t. I’m worried I’m turning into my father.”  
“...who’s rich, apparently? Is that why you thought telling me your last name was Reed was such a significant secret?” Richard queried, “do other rich people know your family?”  
“Uh… yeah. Wait, do you actually have a last name and you just lied to me because you thought my secret was dumb?” Gavin said, dropping the wheelbarrow into the zebras’ stable.  
“No. I really don’t know my last name. He does, but as far as I’m concerned, I’m an Anderson.”  
“Like Hank and Cole.”  
“Yeah, this circus is my family.”  
They shoveled and swept in silence for a while before Richard pressed the family topic again.  
“So you’re family’s bathing in money...”  
“They’re bad people.”  
“Obviously, they seriously beat you to hell!” Richard shook his head, “how’d you even get away?”  
“Why do you want to know so badly?” Gavin demanded, feeling a lot less anxious than he had been with Hank and Cole, but still feeling the air of stuffy darkness he always felt when thinking about his family.  
“I don’t know!” Richard threw up his arms, “why does anyone want to know anything about anybody, Gavin? Jeez, I bet you’re just dying to know about him and what he did to us!”  
“That’s your nightmare to share on your grounds, and I have no right to demand it!” Gavin argued, “why would I want to know something you wouldn’t want to share with anyone anyway? Obviously it was pretty bad!”  
“Yeah, Gavin, it was a really shitty time! But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to talk about it!” Richard’s voice shook, and Gavin bit his tongue to stop himself from throwing something back like he had been for the last hour, realizing that the entire time Richard had been trying to work himself up to actually say something significant. It was clear now how badly he wanted someone to help him carry the weight of his memories.  
When Gavin gave a slight nod, it was like a broken pipe bursting.  
“I was 5! What was I supposed to do? I didn’t understand what was happening. Children shouldn’t be sold! They shouldn’t be toys that get traded around for fun every night. They shouldn’t be made to do things their body shouldn’t be able to do just to make nasty adults laugh… I-”  
Richard pressed his forehead into the rounded top of his shovel, “They--my brothers-- were older and harder to manage, but I was perfectly obedient. I did everything they wanted me to do. I did everything he wanted me to do.”  
He was tripping over his words ungracefully and his eyes were squeezed closed as if he were reliving some of it just by telling it. Gavin opened and closed his mouth several times before Richard finally filled in the silent space.  
“Of course, my brothers would understand… but it was different for me, and I don’t want them to feel bad because they couldn’t protect me from him. They already do feel bad… and they’ve got plenty to deal with without me adding more.”  
When Gavin didn’t speak for a solid minute Richard looked up as if he expected to see that Gavin had run off.  
“What are you staring at?” Richard hissed, becoming violently defensive and gripping the handle of his shovel so tightly his knuckles turned white.  
“I just don’t know what to say,” Gavin replied quickly, “I can’t believe you told me that.”  
“Why wouldn’t I tell you after what you did to protect me? After you--” He cut himself off, “you’ve been very good to us, you know. No one has dealt so well with either Nolan or myself, but you’ve managed to befriend Nolan.”  
“What about you?” Gavin asked slowly, leaning on his wide, filth-covered broom.  
“Yeah, something like that,” Richard mumbled, moving his shovel and scooping another heap into the wheelbarrow. He looked suddenly exhausted and pale-faced, as if the outburst had taken everything out of him.  
Gavin took his shovel and slammed the last bit of filth in before taking it to the dumping spot. They were almost done with the row and would be moving to the more dangerous animals. Only one person could be in their cages at a time.  
Richard followed mutely, all the while Gavin wondered what he should do. What he should say. He felt obligated to tell Richard something… but the idea of it sent shivers down his spine.  
“I’m worried that my family will find me,” Gavin said after they made the turn into the longer hallway, the bigger confinements taking up most of the space.  
“Why d’you say that?” Richard’s head snapped up and he watched Gavin like a barn owl.  
“My family owns half of this country’s goods. My father runs a bank...and has the major holds in most of the relevant stocks and land….”  
“So?”  
“There’s only one way you can be as rich and as powerful as my father,” Gavin interrupted, “you were serious with me and I listened, now you’re going to shut up and listen.” He felt the hairs on his arms stand up and he itched the scars on his wrists.  
Richard nodded, taking the reprimand very well.  
“My father makes deals with the mafia. He basically funds their work so they stay off his back.”  
“So… he’s a mob boss?”  
“I mean… kind of? Not really...” Gavin smiled weakly, “I’ve tried to stay far away from all of that...as much as I can, anyway. I’ve been taken for ransom multiple times when he wasn't on time with his 'payments'.”  
“Really?” Richard murmured.  
“That’s where these come from,” Gavin held out his wrists, feeling sick and not wanting to describe those dark, terrifying nights. Richard reached out and pressed his fingers against the scarred rope-burns with a feather-light touch.  
Richard pulled up his shirt slightly and tugged down his pants partially, the number 9 inked into his right hip.  
“This is my reminder.”  
“So he had more of you guys?” The smell of elephant excrement couldn’t have disturbed Gavin’s stomach more than this.  
“Oh yeah, but we were the prettiest, according to him.”  
“Jeez, that must’ve hurt,” Gavin touched the number 9 absently, just as Richard had touched his wrists.  
“I think I might’ve cried. I don’t remember.”  
Richard dropped his shirt, the edge catching on Gavin’s fingers and he pulled back instantly, feeling embarrassed at having touched him so thoughtlessly.  
“So you ran away because your family is full of crazy murderers?” Richard prompted, hanging outside of the cages now as Gavin worked inside.  
“No… I was too scared to run.”  
“I don’t get it.”  
“I had tried before to run, but they always got me back and then I was punished for it. So I figured I would just…”  
Gavin paused but figured he had nothing to lose. Talking about it actually felt really good. It felt like he was releasing a pressure inside of his soul that had been crushing and grinding him into pieces.  
“I was going to kill myself instead. They wanted a perfect son. They wanted someone who could play the role of a high society man who would become a lawyer graduated from Yale. They also wanted a son who would keep their filthy secrets.”  
“Why are they like that?”  
“Honestly, I think my dad must’ve made some connections during the war, and when he got home he beat silence into my mother.”  
Gavin stepped in front of the tigers’ cage as he said this, pausing as he nearly threw up suddenly, the smell of rotting meat in the cage triggering a few poignant memories of being thrown into dark basements reeked of dead men.  
Richard was at his side, looking at him with concern.  
“You didn’t have to tell me that.”  
“You didn’t have to tell me about you,” Gavin gasped, swallowing hard and trying to get a grip on himself. His eyes were watering.  
Richard’s hand was on his shoulder.  
“Are you going to be alright?”  
“It’s just the smell, I’m fine,” Gavin took a deep breath through his mouth and straightened up, “I’m fine.”


	19. Matchmaking And Tiger Spit

“We can take a break-”  
“What, are you scared?”  
Richard glared at Gavin’s forced grin, the subject change welcome for both of them.  
“You’re crazy.”  
“They’re very good, you know. If you show them you trust them, they’ll trust you, too.”  
Richard shook his head.  
“Come on!” Gavin opened the door, the tigers crowding him immediately with chuffs and low rumbles. Richard backed away quickly.  
Gavin gestured for the tigers to sit, and they waited patiently by the door while Gavin walked to Richard’s side and took his wrist.  
“What in the name of god are you-”  
“Just try and pet them,” Gavin said, “open up your hand.”  
“Wait!”  
But his hand was already on Neera’s head. Her whiskers tickled his arm as she sniffed Richard’s hand and pressed her forehead into his palm again.  
“Scratch her head.”  
Richard obeyed, his eyes bigger than saucers.  
Gavin slowly removed his hand from Richard’s, but the taller man shook his head vehemently.  
“It’s fine, see?”  
Gavin stepped away, and Richard looked at Neera, who was rubbing her head into his slowly scratching fingers. She eventually grew bored and moved closer to him, smelling him and rubbing her cheeks on his pants.  
“She likes you, too!” Gavin said with a grin, placing his hands on his hips victoriously.  
“Are you sure?” Richard stammered, jumping as the other tigers slunk closer as well to investigate this newcomer.  
“Absolutely. They’re not so scary now, are they?”  
Gavin was sure his mouth would fall off he was smiling so wide. Everything felt brighter when he wasn’t thinking about his family.  
“Which is which?”  
“The one with the three angles on her forehead is Neera. The one with the dot on her forehead is Sock Princess. The one with the curving stripes around her eyes is Meg.”  
“Right, how could I forget your random grecian myth tiger?” Richard laughed nervously, petting Sock Princess lightly.  
“Hey, the name stuck, okay?” Gavin shrugged, pushing the wheelbarrow into the cage and letting Richard deal with the tigers on his own.  
“I mean, I guess I can understand why you like spending time with them.”  
Gavin grinned back at Richard, dumping a heap of soiled straw and filth into the wheelbarrow, “animals don’t lie.”  
“They also can’t talk,” Richard pointed out bluntly.  
“I mean they show exactly how they feel. If they don’t like someone, they will show it. If they do…” Gavin gestured at Richard, “they show it.”  
“Are they doing it because you want them to?”  
“I don’t know. Maybe they know I like you so they trust you inherently?” Gavin shrugged.  
“You like me?”  
Gavin squeezed the handle of the shovel, “you know what I mean! They obviously know that I care about you and your brothers.”  
“Well… we are all pretty messed up. Maybe that’s the reason.”  
“Makes sense to me,” Gavin agreed, pushing the wheelbarrow out and setting in the new straw.  
“Well, since they’re going to be performing tonight I don’t see a need to exercise them. Hank and Cole will be in here later this afternoon to practice with them.”  
Richard nodded, but Gavin noticed the reluctance in his eyes like a hunter spots a deer hiding in the woods.  
“But it’s not like it’s against the rules to sit in the ring with them while they play,” Gavin suggested slyly, “I’m not breaking any rules that way.”  
Richard looked away from him, “sure, whatever you want.”  
“Sure, whatever you want,” Gavin mimicked back, “I know you want to keep petting them.”  
“Shut up.”  
Gavin rolled his eyes and started toward the ring, the tigers following him and pressing Richard in that direction  
They sat down next to the wooden wall separating the ring from the fake seats, watching as the tigers rolled around and played with the toys Gavin had brought out for them.  
“You know, they’re all sisters.”  
“How can you tell?”  
“They’re the same age, and usually tigers don’t group together so easily. Instinctively, they’re mostly loners.”  
Richard folded his arms, “how do you know so much about animals, anyway?”  
Gavin looked at his knees for a moment.  
“I’ve read a lot of zoology books.”  
“Must be nice,” Richard sighed.  
“We can practice reading some words right now, if you’d like,” Gavin offered, leaning forward and brushing some straw out of the way to reveal a patch of loose dirt and sand.  
Richard leaned forward eagerly in response.  
Gavin began spelling out simple words and helping Richard sound them out. Every time he got one right on the first try his face lit up like the sky when the sun first breaks above the horizon.  
“Can I try writing a word?” Richard asked, brushing the word “plate” out of the ground.  
“Sure, give it a shot,” Gavin stayed stooped over the spot, Richard’s shoulder pressing into his as he slowly spelled out a word while sounding it out aloud.  
“B-u-r-d”  
Gavin shook his head, taking his thumb and erasing the ‘u’ and replacing it with an ‘i’.  
“But why?” Richard demanded, “you said ‘u’ makes an ‘uh’ sound.”  
“In this case, i is just a vowel to separate the consonants. It would sound practically the same if you spelled it ‘b-r-d’.  
“Weird.”  
“Yeah,” Gavin nodded.  
“Wait, wait, will you spell my name?” Richard asked, his eyes shining as he watched Gavin expectantly.  
“You try it first.”  
Richard frowned, his lips moving as he tried to sound out each part.  
“What makes a ‘ch’ sound again?”  
“‘C’ and ‘h’.”  
Nodding, Richard focused on the dirt, starting to spell out his name.  
“R-i-ch-u-”  
He erased the ‘u’ and replaced it with an ‘i’.  
“R-i-ch-i-r-d”  
Gavin laughed.  
“What’s so funny?” Richard pouted, pushing Gavin away with a shove.  
“English is a horrible language, that’s all.”  
“What did I do wrong?”  
“R-i-c-h-a-r-d”  
“Why ‘a’?”  
“Honestly? I have no idea. That’s just how it’s usually spelled.”  
Richard stared at his name and said it out loud several times.  
“I like how it looks.”  
“It’s a good name,” Gavin agreed.  
Richard began scrawling on the dirt just below his name, his finger pushing into the sand and carving out another word.  
“G-a-v-i-n”  
“That’s right!”  
“I practiced that one.”  
Gavin opened his mouth but didn’t say anything at first.  
“What?”  
Richard looked away, “I was trying to make words earlier… during breakfast… I was using your sheet…”  
Gavin remembered they had used his journal to rehearse the letters of the alphabet, but he hadn’t torn the sheet out all the way. Luckily, he knew he had nothing to worry about as far as Richard reading his journal entries.  
Now that Richard knew how his name was spelled, however, Gavin would have to find an alternate writing pad to use. Using his journal was too risky.  
“Is that okay?”  
Gavin snapped out of his trail of thoughts, realizing they were still touching shoulders and their faces were incredibly close.  
“Oh, yeah, of course!” Gavin sat up and pretended to stretch, trying his best to hide his face, which had gone warm.  
Luckily, the tigers decided this was a good time to approach them, distracting Richard as Gavin recovered himself. His stomach was tied in all sorts of knots and he was sure all the blood had rushed straight out of his head in a single beat of his heart and flooded back in a moment later.  
Sock Princess shoved her head against Richard’s shoulder, pushing him over so she could have her spot next to Gavin, but this resulted in him spilling into Gavin’s lap while he was in mid-stretch.  
Before he had an opportunity to react, Neera’s face was over Richard’s and she was licking his nose and hair.  
“Oh god, what is- what is she doing??” Richard protested, pressing his hands against her thick neck.  
“She’s cleaning you.”  
Gavin’s brain was thoroughly distracted by the hilarity of seeing Richard’s usually very put-together head of hair pushed in all directions and slick with saliva.  
“Damn, that’s definitely a different look for you,” Gavin shook with laughter.  
Pulling his hands through his slimy hair, Richard sat up and grabbed Gavin’s head, rubbing his saliva-covered fingers into Gavin’s hair, pushing him away from the wall and onto the floor.  
“Take that, you tiger fetisher.”  
He stared down at Gavin for two seconds before his face flushed red. Gavin knew his own face was red. But he couldn’t move, all he could do was beg for nothing to happen as Richard quickly pushed himself off of Gavin’s body, his arms like pillars next to Gavin’s shoulders.  
“I’m sorry about those dumb tigers,” Gavin sputtered, his whole body tense as he stared at Richard, who looked practically out of breath and had more color in his face than Gavin had ever seen before.  
“I’m sorry I got spit all in your hair,” Richard’s face went even redder and he jerked back into an upright position, backing away from Gavin and studying the far wall of the stable ring as he did so.  
“So- yeah- I- I’m sorry-” Gavin stood up at the same time as Richard, both extremely awkward as they stared at each other, then stared at the ground, then stared at each other again.  
“I- was that weird?” Richard was wringing his hands and pressing his thumb into his palm.  
“I mean, I just told you my family funded the mafia- and then… well… you didn’t think that was weird.”  
“I mean- I was-”  
Gavin knew what he was talking about, but he was already too embarrassed as it was. The idea of it terrified him, even though he thought that’s what he had wanted.  
“I don’t know,” Gavin burst, “I don’t know. I-”  
“I think I remember… uh… that I should check on Nolan and Connor…”  
“You better go, I guess.”  
“Yeah.”  
Richard didn’t move at first, their eyes locked on each other and their faces red and confused and worked up in ways that Gavin had never experienced so powerfully before. He could feel that uncomfortable upward pressure into his face as his eyes began to water from the fear and frustration colliding together like fire and explosives.  
“I’ll see you in the tent at dinner, then?” Gavin croaked, wanting him to leave but begging him to stay.  
Richard looked even more confused now, his eyes shining and his hands shaking.  
“I promised to bring you dinner- Connor probably hasn’t told you yet-” Gavin grabbed his right arm, looking away slightly, “but I’ll bring you some too. I-”  
“Okay, I’ll be there,” Richard mumbled, staring at the ground and shoving his hands in his pockets.  
“Good.”  
“Yeah.”  
They stared at each other again for a brief moment before Richard practically bolted out of the stable, leaving Gavin alone to deal with himself.


	20. Oh How The Mighty Fall

Gavin was sure everything would be messed up after that. He was almost too afraid to show up at the tent that night for dinner, but he did, and it was fine. Richard even continued to persistently show up at the stable and help him with his work. He explained that it was his way of paying Gavin back for the reading lessons.  
There were things that were different now, however, but it was all in Gavin’s head. He thought too much about everything Richard said, and every single accidental touch sent electricity through Gavin’s entire body. He hated it.  
He would take criminally long showers just to get a moment to himself and deal with the miserable position he was in. He hated how afraid he felt.  
He also hated how much he wanted it.  
There were days when Gavin had a handle on his emotions and everything went smoothly. Other days he would stay up half the night thinking about the low tenor of Richard’s voice and how beautiful his face was, especially when he smiled.  
Sometimes he would spend hours just thinking about the way Richard’s face would screw up to one side when he was trying to sound out a word.  
Sometimes he would spend just as much time thinking about what was underneath Richard’s clothes. About how soft the skin on his hip had been when he had touched his ‘9’ tattoo… and about how unfair it was that he would never see it again.  
Gavin wasn’t entirely sure how he had gotten this way so quickly, but he was more than a little upset that he couldn’t seem to get over it. The more time they spent together, the more he wanted to touch him. The more those brushes of hands in passing sent him on a ride.  
They talked about everything together. It was almost comical now, as Gavin thought back on it, how much different Richard acted around him than he did around anyone else. Even his brothers.  
Really, the fact that Richard didn’t feel perfectly comfortable with his brothers made Gavin sad, but every time they talked about it Richard was adamant that his brothers didn’t need that extra burden on their shoulders. He could take care of himself.  
Gavin always made fun of him when he said that because they both knew that Richard’s recent growth was in direct connection to his involvement with Gavin, which still confused Gavin. He wasn’t really sure what he was bringing to the table that was so special, but he didn’t dwell on it.  
Richard’s standards were not very high if he felt anything for Gavin at all.

* * *

Two weeks after the incident, Gavin was just starting his rounds in the stable when he realized that Richard wasn’t there. He hadn’t actually checked since he had gotten used to Richard just showing up behind him, or even arriving before him and starting without him.  
Gavin went through the entire routine with the animals without a single interruption.  
“Sorry, girls, I’ve just got to check on something, I’ll be back,” Gavin promised at the complaining tigers who felt jipped out of longer playtime. They grumbled at him as he walked away, quickly exiting the stable and beginning his search for Richard.  
It wasn’t like the brothers had disappeared. Gavin had eaten breakfast with Connor and Nolan that morning. He had been so tired he had hardly paid attention to what they had been saying, but now he was wracking his mind for clues as to where they could be.  
What really made Gavin frustrated was the fact that he was out here at all, looking for someone who was definitely not lost. It’s not like Richard had to be at the stable, he just always was. It felt wrong to have him not be there, and Gavin needed to know why he hadn’t shown up.  
Passing by the big ring tent, Gavin saw the lights were on, despite the fact that they wouldn’t be holding shows until that weekend.  
With a quick turn of his heel, Gavin stepped into the tent, the gravel ground much more uncomfortable than the grassier fields they were used to. This was the driest city they visited. Soon it would get greener, and they would be heading back toward the final leg of their performances in the east coast.  
Inside the tent, Gavin was startled to see a large net strung tight on all the poles, the lights shining on the stands.  
A smile burst across his face as he saw all three brothers on the bars, swinging elegantly and yelling loudly at each other.  
Connor and Nolan were working well together again, and Connor didn’t seem to be having any problems with his hands anymore, though he appeared to be wearing gloves. Gavin wore gloves when he worked now, too, because his skin was still too sensitive and needed to develop calluses again.  
They seemed to be going through a routine, Hank and Cole were below giving commentaries as the brothers would set and reset certain sections of their choreographed routine.  
Gavin’s smile soon left his face.  
Richard missed every throw he was given, and most of his catches. They barely made any progress, and even from this distance Gavin could tell he was struggling. Perhaps it was too early… but they had waited nearly two months for him to go back up there. He had complained about it every day to Gavin for the last two weeks.  
And now it looked like Nolan’s intuition about Richard’s preparedness was more than correct.  
“Rich, just stop. You haven’t even been able to do your own solo routine without missing a jump,” Nolan yelled at Richard when he landed into the net again.  
“Just let me try!”  
“No, Rich, just stay down!” Nolan instructed, the frustration and tight anger palpable even from a distance.  
“Let him try one more time,” Connor begged.  
“Fine. We’ll do a cooldown.”  
Richard climbed up the ladder to the top of the platform, and Gavin watched as they went through a simple routine. Nolan tossed Richard a ring, giving it extra throw so that he would have more time to catch it.  
He reached out for it, pulling himself upward, then slipped sideways before finally getting one hand gripped onto the ring. Not letting go of his bar, however, he had changed the trajectory of the ring and ended up slamming himself against one of the central poles before dropping into the net again.  
“Are you okay?” Connor yelled, swinging to a pole and starting to climb down. Nolan was climbing down too. The lack of angry insults had Gavin on his feet, walking toward Cole and Hank, who were stepping down the stands and towards the exit to the net.  
“I think he’s dislocated his shoulder!” Connor said, he and Nolan helping a moaning Richard down onto the ground.  
“It’s probably because he hasn’t been able to exercise since his rib injury,” Nolan muttered laying him on the ground as Gavin arrived at the same time as Cole and Hank, “he strained his muscles too much trying to do things he wasn’t ready to do.”  
“Well if you would have let me do something,” Richard hissed, clutching his shoulder weakly.  
“I was trying to avoid something like this!” Nolan yelled, “don’t blame me--you were just trying to be a hero!”  
“I wasn’t trying to be a hero!”  
“I told you to stick to basics today, and when you couldn’t do them, I told you to stop. Instead, you insisted.”  
“Nolan, please stop,” Connor interrupted sharply, “what’s done is done.”  
“He’s never going to get back on the bars with an injury like this!”  
Richard’s face was pale, Cole and Hank lifted him off the ground and Gavin was sent for ice.  
He ran faster than he had ever run, pushing past anyone who got in his way.  
“Do you have the ice?” Cole asked when Gavin burst into their tent with a box of it.  
“Hank, break that up,” Cole pointed at Gavin, “you help me hold him down.”  
Richard was set up on a ground mat, Nolan and Connor holding his legs and an open spot at Richard’s uninjured arm.  
“I’m going to put your shoulder back in place,” Cole informed. Richard nodded, his jaw tight.  
“Three, two…”  
Cole shoved the shoulder up and into Richard’s neck, a loud pop and an even louder scream following immediately after.  
“I got it, I got it,” Cole brushed Richard’s hair out of his damp, sweating face while Gavin strapped the rag-covered ice to his shoulder and Cole tied it down with gauze.  
“Take these,” Cole ordered, handing Richard a palmful of tablets, “it’ll help with the pain.”  
Richard took it and almost instantly began to cry. Nolan and Connor looked so shocked that Gavin realized that they had probably never seen Richard cry before. Then again… this was his first time seeing Richard cry, too.  
It was the gross kind of crying, where snot comes out of your nose and tears get into your mouth and your face gets red and you make sounds reminiscent of an injured animal calling out for help.  
“I’m s-sorry,” Richard sobbed, “I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you-”  
Nolan stroked his sweat-slicked hair and shook his head, “no, it’s okay-”  
“It’s not okay!”  
“It will be okay,” Connor assured fervently, holding Richard’s hand tightly with his own.  
“What if I can’t do it anymore? What’s the point if I can’t…?”  
Nolan and Connor exchanged quick, distressed glances.  
“You’ll be able to, Rich!”  
“That’s the only thing I’m good for- If I can’t-”  
“He isn’t here. If you can’t do it right now he can’t punish you anymore!” Nolan promised, speaking urgently and pressing his hand into Richard’s face, “you don’t have to be perfect, Rich.”  
Richard grit his teeth and sniffed loudly, “I’m sorry for messing up. I’m sorry you have to worry-”  
“You’re our little brother. We’re always worried about you,” Connor whispered, squeezing Richard’s hand, “let us worry about you now. Let us help you.”  
“They’ll throw me out if I can’t work-”  
“They won’t.”  
“What if I can’t do it anymore?”  
This seemed to be the heaviest thing on Richard’s mind. The way he said it shattered Gavin’s heart.  
“Then you’ll find something else to do.”  
“I don’t want to do anything else.”  
Nolan sighed, “then I guess you’re gonna have to get better.”  
“We’ll be okay, Rich,” Connor promised, “we’ll get through this together.”  
Richard nodded miserably, his wretched sobs reduced to labored breathing dispersed by the occasional sniff.  
An uncomfortable idea was worming its way into Gavin’s mind as he watched Richard’s older brothers reassure their broken sibling. There was relief in their eyes at his finally breaking down and sharing with them those very same things he had shared with Gavin.  
His concerns. His sense of identity being intrinsically tied to his act because that was the only way to escape. His brothers knew exactly how it felt, and they did far better than Gavin at comforting him and consoling him. Nolan even went as far as to give him frank advice about avoiding the negative thinking and perhaps trying some new things in order to have a healthier mindset about trapeze. It shouldn’t be a reminder of the caged birds they had been, but the free birds they were now.  
It was all well and good, but Gavin was thinking about himself again. About how much he didn’t want to do what he was about to do.  
Standing up, Gavin walked past the brothers and headed out of the tent. Cole followed when Gavin jerked his head toward the grounds. Hank eventually came outside as well.  
“Did you need something?” Cole asked, looking over his shoulder as the tent flap slapped against the entrance pole.  
“I want to do an act,” Gavin said as calmly as he could muster. He could feel the sweat all over himself. He could smell the fear leaking from every pore on his body.  
“... what?” Hank choked on air.  
“I want to do an act.”  
Cole glanced back at the tent, lowering his voice like Gavin had, “why? We aren’t losing their act, you know. Don’t feel like you have to do it just because Richard got hurt.”  
“I want to do it so he doesn’t feel totally worthless,” Gavin interrupted, “I don’t know how to make an act, but he does. He can help me while he’s getting better. Maybe it won’t be the worst part of your show if he helps me.”  
A smile spread on Cole’s face, and Hank’s eyes gleamed.  
“You’re a really good person, did you know that?”  
Gavin shook his head, shying away from Hank’s praise.  
“How quickly do you think you can get an act prepared?”  
“Probably in time for the east coast shows.”  
Hank and Cole nodded eagerly, “that sounds perfect to us. Let us know if you’d like any advice or direction.”  
“Of course-”  
The tent door opened and Nolan popped his head out, an uncommonly shy look on his face.  
“Hey... uh... Gavin?”  
“Yeah?”  
“We’re going to stay with him tonight, is that okay?”  
Gavin shrugged, “why wouldn’t it be? You’ve been in there during the night before.”  
Nolan looked down at the dusty ground, a look that all the brothers shared when they wanted to say something more, but were too embarrassed to spit it out.  
“We’ve got some rounds to run,” Cole looked over at Hank meaningfully, “we’ll be back later.”  
As they walked away, Nolan stepped out of the tent and stood in front of Gavin. He looked around quickly, then pulled him into a tight hug.  
“Thank you.”  
“What did I do?”  
“You brought him back...you brought our little brother back to us...Thank you...thank you...”


	21. Someone Else Is Appearing In The Mirror

“Starting out with the horses seems just like the act Hank and Cole do.”  
Richard was propped up against Cole’s drawers, several layers of blankets wrapped around him, and his arm sticking out slightly, the white sling standing out against the dark comforters.  
“Okay, okay, scratch that then,” Gavin had a large piece of paper he had gone into town to purchase in order to draw out the act, but they hadn’t gotten past brainstorming yet.  
“I still think you should start with the tigers, they’re obviously your show-stealers,” Richard pressed, propping his chin onto his free hand.  
“But they would work better in the end, wouldn’t they?” Gavin protested, “I know I can do the most with them, so they should be the highlight part, right?”  
“I guess…” Richard sucked in the side of his cheek as he thought. He was taking this very seriously, and he had been very excited at the prospect of helping the moment Gavin had offered it to him the morning after his accident.  
Gavin just hoped he wasn’t pretending.  
“And I’m not sure what to do about the old lion.”  
“Didn’t you give him a name like ‘King’ or something?” Richard mused.  
“Yeah, something like that. He treats me like I’m his servant.”  
Richard’s face lit up, “what if that’s your act? We’re trying too hard to be serious, what if you weren’t the lion tamer at all, what if the lion tames you?”  
“But I can’t get him to do anything except ask for treats-”  
“Exactly!” Richard sat up straighter, “you have him sit on his pedestal, and your whole act is trying to entertain him!”  
“Oh my god, you’re a genius,” Gavin scribbled notes down into his journal.  
“Okay okay, so I lead him out into the ring. He sits on his chair and asks for a treat. I give him his treat, then when he asks for another one, I’ll pretend it’s like he’s asking for a show…”  
“And you bring out the different animals, and he’ll continue to be dissatisfied because all he wants is meat. So he’ll keep interrupting you, and you’ll have to switch out the acts-”  
“And it’ll be funnier because an act could be interrupted really quickly, or let go for a while before he grumbles at me again. The whole show would be determined by his stomach.”  
“The comedic timing of an old lion, I love it,” Richard grinned.  
“Okay okay, maybe I let him slap me on the head before I bring in the tigers-”  
“We should have Daniel put them in princess costumes!”  
“Yes!” Gavin was writing furiously now, “and then when they’ve done their thing, we bow in front of the kingly lion and he asks for another piece of meat, and one of the tigers bats him in the head!”  
“Yes!” Richard laughed, “that’s the ticket!”  
“I didn’t know I was funny,” Gavin mused.  
“You aren’t funny.”  
“Oh.”  
“Not yet,” Richard held out his hand, asking for help out of his tangle of blankets, “but I’ll help you get a stage presence, don’t worry.”  
“I hear if I just wear a mask I don’t have to try as hard.”  
“Hey, those masks are decorative, it’s not to hide our showmanship!” Richard snapped, elbowing Gavin playfully once he was on his feet.  
“Sure, sure,” Gavin rolled his eyes, “so how am I supposed to have a stage presence? You’re going to teach me, right?”  
“I’ll give it my best shot, but honestly, I don’t expect you to be very good at it,” Richard snorted, walking awkwardly toward the tent exit. This was the first time he had stood up since the night before.  
“I feel very supported.”  
“I may need some, hurry up and walk next to me, I think I sat on my legs wrong.”  
Gavin followed after Richard but did not dare to get too close. Richard wasn’t actually about to fall, anyway. Gavin was sure of it.  
“Where are we going?”  
“The stable.”  
“What? We don’t even have an idea of what we’re doing!”  
“That’s the whole point,” Richard smiled, the only remnants of his break-down the night before were the purple rings under his eyes and his paler-than-normal face.  
“Don’t worry,” Richard added when he saw Gavin glance at his shoulder, “I’ll be sitting in the stands… you know, where it’s safe?”  
“Wow…” Gavin shook his head.  
“I expect you to help me finish the Wizard of Oz in exchange for my services,” Richard added.  
“You do know I’m teaching you how to read because I want to, right?”  
Richard shrugged awkwardly, obviously still a little off from the amount of morphine he was on at the moment, “I thought it was because you liked me, but I guess I’m not the smartest person in the whole world.”  
“Help me with this show and we’ll see if I still do after it’s over.”

* * *

“Presenting ...!” Markus and Simon slid back the curtain separating Gavin from the small audience waiting to see him in his uniform.  
“The Animal Tamer!”  
Ralph cheered louder than anyone, even though he had been the one to add the meticulous designs to the fringes.  
“Wow, that looks so cool!” Connor exclaimed, clapping loudly with Chloe, who was nodding adamantly along with Traci and Tracey.  
“I can’t believe it fits,” Gavin wished he could close the jacket, but its cut had been made to only cover his shoulders and upper back, exposing his chest completely to the entire world.  
“It’s a little revealing, isn’t it?” Richard commented from the back, a hand smothering a snicker on his face.  
Gavin felt his face go red and he turned toward the mirror instead to inspect for himself.  
“He’s got on thicker pants than we wear,” Connor glanced back at Richard with a single brow raised.  
“And they’ve got the coolest tassels I’ve ever seen,” Chloe added, turning to Ralph, “did you put all that detail in yourself?”  
“He was pretty adamant that he do it himself,” Daniel nodded, rubbing Ralph’s hair, “it’s his best work yet.”  
Gavin looked at his reflection, shocked at what he saw. He barely recognized himself.  
His hair was longer now, hanging over the edges of the bandages still tightly wrapped around his head. He even noticed that he had a shadow of facial hair. He was also more in shape than he had ever been in his life, and he felt embarrassed about it for unexplainable reasons.  
“Why can’t I wear a shirt under this again?” Gavin asked Simon hesitantly.  
“Because the Animal Tamer always goes half-naked. That’s the rule,” Markus laughed at Gavin’s face, “so technically we’re putting more on you than normal.”  
“I like it,” Richard decided, as if his opinion was the most important one in the room.  
“I would’ve had to chew you out if you didn’t,” Connor laughed, “it’s better than Hank’s performing jacket!”  
“Except black, so it’s obviously not going to make you look better than him,” Chloe reminded when Gavin opened his mouth to protest.  
“How well can you move around?” Simon asked, “Do some of your rehearsals with it on and tell me if there are any issues. Discomfort, tearing, anything.”  
Gavin nodded absently, still staring at himself in confusion.  
“Come on then,” Richard interrupted the fanfare, “we’re going to be late to our presentation with Hank and Cole.”  
“They can wait five minutes!” Connor protested.  
“I thought you would all like to see it too?” Richard smiled at Gavin’s pale-faced response to this suggestion.  
Ralph cheered.

Richard stood at the edge of the ring in the stable, giving Gavin a small thumbs up while everyone else shuffled and crowded into the few available chairs to watch.  
“Good job with the costume, boys,” Hank applauded, “you look really good, Gavin.”  
Gavin looked over at Richard.  
“I can’t do this,” he mouthed.  
“Yes you can,” Richard nodded sternly, adjusting his sling on his neck before picking up the needle to the victrola and dropping it onto the disk, forcing Gavin to start.  
He was sure it was a disaster. Nothing seemed to be going right and Gavin couldn’t hear anybody reacting for the sound of his own heart pounding into his ears. Some of the animals didn’t like having to perform in the more cramped quarters, and they protested being forced into things like a performance. The elephants were especially difficult.  
The only thing that seemed to go well in the blur of actions and dancing and scratchy music was the entrance of the tigers, dressed in the costumes Daniel and Simon had worked together to create. They performed perfectly, relaxing Gavin’s nerves, and even the old lion seemed impressed by them.  
Breathlessly, Gavin and his tigers bowed at the lion, and then they turned and bowed at their audience, right as the music ended.  
Gavin couldn’t believe they had stayed on track with the music. That had been the most difficult part to work in.  
There was a moment of silence after the music ended, then loud clapping, hollering, and cheering exploded from the small rafters.  
Gavin couldn’t really see what was happening for the lights that had been brought in to better illuminate his test performance, but the clamoring and banging of shoes on wood let him know that they were coming to him.  
“Gavin, that was so amazing!”  
Connor reached him first, hugging him tightly and pulling him off the ground in his excitement.  
“I started crying, I was laughing so hard!”  
“When you tried to hide with the zebras but they kept splitting to reveal you to the lion?”  
“I thought the elephants were going to step on you! I was so scared!”  
“I’ve never seen someone work so well with that dumb old lion!”  
“The timing of the music was perfect!”  
“Those tigers are so beautiful!”  
“That was so fun!”  
“I wish it were longer!”  
Gavin crumpled under the weight of their praise.  
“Son, you and Richard did a really good job,” Hank said somberly.  
“We approve the show,” Cole added, “but we’ll want you to start practicing with us and the band in the big ring as soon as possible. Performing to a small stage is one thing, but all those other people…”  
“It’ll be harder, but you’ll definitely get there.”  
Gavin’s knees were mush. He barely survived a miniaturized version of his performance. How was he supposed to do this again?


	22. Coward

Gavin adjusted his costume nervously as he listened to the music transition. He would be going out soon.  
“Look at me,” Richard instructed sternly, turning Gavin around by his shoulders, “you’ll do great.”  
“I’m going to throw up, that’s what’s gonna happen.”  
“No, you won’t,” Richard laughed, “just take some deep breaths.”  
“God, I really don’t want to do this.”  
“They’re going to love you, what are you so worried about?”  
“I’m going to mess it up!”  
Richard shook his head, turning Gavin around and shoving him toward the entrance.  
“That’s your cue!”  
Gavin slapped on a bright smile and practically tripped over himself on his way to the center of the ring. Playing it up, he teetered to the middle and bowed flamboyantly, directing the lights toward the old lion, who walked toward him with a rolling swing of his hips, his eyes fixated on the treat bag Gavin had fastened to his hip.  
The show was in full tilt now and there was no turning back. The old lion growled and grumbled at the most awkward moments, and some of the animals did not hit their cues appropriately, forcing Gavin to scramble to make up something funny to fill in the blanks.  
It wasn’t all that different from many of his rehearsals, but this time he could hear his audience.  
They were laughing.  
Gavin could only pray that they were laughing because it was funny, and not because he was humiliating himself in front of thousands of people. Now that they were in the bigger cities their stands were filled to standing room only.  
The lights were blinding and the band was deafening, and Gavin thought he would collapse when he reached the last bow, his eyes finally looking around to capture the crowd he had just performed to.  
Their loud cheers overpowered the band, and Gavin had to swallow down the relief he felt and hold his form. He led the lion and the tigers off the stage, the dancers transitioning into the ring as he filtered out.  
He had hardly made it two steps toward the stable when a pair of strong arms pulled him into a tight hug.  
“Connor, let go!” Gavin choked, smothered by the shirt sleeves.  
“Not Connor.”  
Gavin went rigid, pulling out of the hug and turning to see Richard, who wore a comedically broad smile.  
“That’s the best performance you’ve ever done!” Richard exclaimed when Gavin couldn’t manage to speak.  
“Really?”  
“Yeah, really.”  
Gavin didn’t ask for permission, his arms wrapping around Richard tightly as the rush of overwhelming emotions took over. His entire body shook with sweaty relief.  
“I never want to do that again.”  
“I don’t know if that crowd will let you get away with it,” Richard said, brushing his hand through Gavin’s hair tenderly.  
“I don’t care about them.”  
“Well, I don’t think I’ll let you get away with just a single performance, either.”  
“I hate you.”  
“No, you don’t.”  
“No, I don’t,” Gavin agreed, not wanting to let go.  
Holding Richard and pressing his face into his shirt was the only thing he had wanted to do for weeks, and now, in a moment of weakness, he had done it and there was no going back.

* * *

Gavin very pointedly sat about a hand length away from Richard later that night while they were reading together. Sometimes he would even stand up and pace around to make it less awkward, but Richard noticed.  
Of course he noticed.  
“Is there something wrong?” He asked, stopping mid-word when Gavin crossed the carpet for the fifth time that sentence.  
“Nope. Just nerves.”  
“You already did it, you know.”  
Gavin paused, hoping the performance was what Richard actually thought he was anxious about.  
“I’ve got to do it again tomorrow, and the day after that.”  
“So? You’ve done it once, you can do it again.”  
“I can’t help it,” Gavin murmured, burning agony building up inside him as the conversation labored on. The truth was like a boiling vat of oil melting him from the inside out. He didn’t even know why he was afraid of liking Richard.  
Isn’t this what he wanted?  
Not only that, but he was also fairly certain Richard liked him back, which terrified him even more. He hated that twisting feeling like a worm in his innards every single time Richard looked at Gavin with his particularly contemplative gaze.  
Those grey-blue eyes that were clear even from a mile away could catch him unawares at any moment, but that wasn’t what concerned Gavin now.  
He had done something illegal in his stupid, made-up rule-book about dealing with Richard. He had engaged in physical touch. It didn’t matter that Richard had hugged him first- he had reciprocated and now he was back at square one after all those weeks of trying to smother it.  
“Hello?” Richard waved his hand, “are you ill?”  
“Maybe.”  
“Do you want me to do anything for you?”  
“No, no,” Gavin shook his head a little harder than he should have, “you’re fine. You’ve done plenty for me. Maybe I just need to get some rest. I don’t feel good.”  
All of this was true.  
Richard stood up, placing the book down on Gavin’s bed and walking up to him slowly.  
“You know, I’m not stupid.”  
“What?”  
Gavin swallowed hard, looking up at Richard and feeling suddenly so incredibly small he thought he would shrink away completely.  
“It’s okay.”  
“What’s okay?”  
Richard reached forward and tenderly brushed a lock of hair out of Gavin’s face, tucking it into his bandages. He was unbearably close.  
“This.”  
Gavin backed away, stepping into a canister of water and falling partway to the ground before pushing himself back up and retreating again toward the door.  
“I’ll be back.”  
And, like a coward, he ran.  
He ran into the outhouse and actually threw up. His arms shook and his head spun, and he eventually passed out there, despite the intense reek.  
Crawling out of the outhouse that morning, Gavin forced a cold shower on himself and tried to sneak back to his tent to hide, but was intercepted by Connor.  
“Gavin! Where were you during breakfast?”  
It felt unfair that, for all the people in the circus, it was Connor that spotted him.  
“I was in the outhouse all night,” Gavin mumbled, shivering in the morning cold, his wet hair soaking into his filthy clothes.  
“Oh…” Connor frowned, “you look awful. Are you going to be okay?”  
“I think I just need to sleep it off. I’ll probably be okay by tonight.”  
“Are you sure?”  
“Yeah, just…”  
Connor nodded, “I’ll bring you some soup or something later, is that okay?”  
Gavin smiled slightly, “sure.”  
He walked away quickly before Connor could offer anything else or continue the conversation.  
Cole greeted him in the tent, immediately looking worried at the sight of his pale face and puffy eyes.  
“Are you okay, Gavin? What happened?”  
“I don’t know. Maybe I ate something rotten. I was sick last night.”  
“Get some sleep, that’ll be the best help,” Cole said, pulling on his boots.  
“Yeah, that’s the plan.”  
It was a fitful rest, and when Connor came back with the soup, Richard showed up too.  
Gavin didn’t want to look at him. He felt ashamed of himself and guilty for possibly hurting Richard’s feelings, though he didn’t reveal it on his face.  
Instead, Richard stared at him with intense interest, as if he were evaluating every single micro-movement and making a determination based on the information he received. Gavin felt like any movement would expose him for the liar he was.  
But Richard was kind and patient. Telling him he would take care of the animals and asking him if he would still be okay to do the show. He acted like nothing had ever happened… but Gavin could sense there was something buried behind those words, and he was too afraid to admit it.  
Gavin was so tired and so confused that he fell for it. He relaxed around Richard again because it was the easiest thing in the whole world to do, especially with Connor there too.  
“Where’s Nolan?” Gavin asked, forcing himself to take another sip of soup.  
“You know, I think he’s been hooking up with Markus, but that’s not my business,” Connor said with a wink.  
“No kidding? I thought Markus and Simon were…”  
“They are,” Richard laughed, “Markus is with Simon and North… and I guess Nolan wanted in on that action too.”  
“I’ve never heard of such a thing,” Gavin mused, not afraid of being ignorant in front of his friends.  
“I’m not really sure about it myself,” Connor admitted, “but as long as they don’t try to rope me into their weird shit I guess I’m fine with it.”  
“Connor’s not really into that stuff,” Richard clarified.  
Gavin shrugged, “that’s fine.”  
“I always figured I’d get around to it eventually,” Connor said with a distant look on his face.  
“Well, you’ve got us, anyway,” Richard punched his arm, “and I guess you could always join Markus some night if you were really feeling it. He flirts with you all the time, I’m sure Nolan won’t mind.”  
“Honestly, I don’t know how he stomachs it,” Connor sighed, “I’m too terrified to even think about revisiting that.”  
Instantly, the air in the tent became heavy, and Gavin felt unable to speak to Connor’s statement.  
“Hey, you never have to if you don’t want to,” Richard said, placing a hand on Connor’s shoulder, “you two always tell me not to let him get me down, so don’t let it get you down, too!”  
Connor smiled at Richard before glancing up at Gavin, “sorry I changed our conversation. I didn’t mean to bring the mood down.”  
“No, it’s okay! Sometimes we have to figure ourselves out before we can make a decision. It’s scary. I get that.”  
Gavin risked a glance at Richard, immediately making eye contact with him.  
Jerking his head back toward his soup, he stirred it repeatedly, hoping that someone would change the topic.  
“You’ve got some soup on your face,” Connor snorted.  
Gavin praised the heavens before locating the vagrant carrot.  
“You know, you’d probably benefit from a shave,” Richard commented bluntly.  
Soup nearly went up Gavin’s nose.  
“I don’t…” he paused, feeling warm shame heat his ears and cheeks, “I don’t know how.”  
“Oh my god,” Richard and Connor both exclaimed at once, “I’ll show you how-  
“-idiot.”  
Richard added that line where Connor stopped, both of them looking at each other and holding in teary-eyed laughter.  
Meanwhile, Gavin hid his bright red face in the bowl of his soup.


	23. Hold Fast To Me

Gavin fumbled through repeated ‘thank yous’ as the crowd pressed around him, shaking his hand and making him talk to young children who shied behind their parents’ legs.  
He knew he was scary looking, but the bandages at least covered it up and made him slightly less intimidating. Some of them were more recent since Richard had attempted to teach him how to shave, but that was something he wasn’t willing to admit to anyone who asked about the new bandages.  
Looking around, Gavin found his exit and slipped through a tight alleyway between tents, relieved that he had finally escaped the masses. Interacting with them didn’t get any easier, no matter how many times he had done it now.  
He had bigger things on his mind. Hank and Cole had just asked him to make a longer version of his show for the last four cities. He needed to get to Richard and start planning as soon as possible.  
“Sorry for being so late,” he called into the stables, where Richard could be heard removing the animals’ costumes. The last couple of nights he had stopped waiting for the end of the performance to see Gavin. He claimed it was just to get a head start, and Gavin had begun to wonder if something was wrong.  
“Well, you’ve got lots of fans.”  
“I’ve only performed a few times, I don’t get how they all seem to know about me.”  
Richard straightened up, rolling his shoulders and pulling a section of newspaper he had tucked in the back of his pants.  
“I found this today. This is probably why.”  
Gavin looked at the newspaper and saw an extensive article about his show and how well it was being received so far. The author had been to his first performance.  
“It’s been circulating in all the cities we have plans to visit, so expect more of the same.”  
“Wow,” Gavin leaned against a wall, staring at the article then looking up at Richard with a grin, “did you read all of this?”  
Richard held out a costume for Gavin to hold, not speaking at first.  
“I didn’t understand a lot of it.”  
“How are you feeling?”  
“I’m fine.”  
“How’s your shoulder?”  
Richard ignored him and continued working.  
Gavin followed him into the next stable even though he knew he should be carrying the costumes to their closet.  
“Richard?”  
“I said I’m fine,” Richard said agitatedly, “you did great tonight. Connor and Nolan did great. It all went great.”  
“Why are you so upset, then?” Gavin grumbled, turning around to dump the costumes in the closet. The sense of dread that had been building up over this issue finally reaching its pinnacle. Richard’s friendship had started to feel like an over-stretched drum, and it showed.  
“Do you have time tonight after dinner?” Gavin asked as casually as he could muster when he found Richard again, collecting the removed costumes into his arms.  
The obvious answer to this was ‘yes’. They met together every night for reading practice and to hang out with the tigers in the stable. Sometimes Connor and Chloe would come, but mostly they had wiled the weeks away alone, despite the growing silence that would extend between them during that time.  
“What kind of question is that?” Richard snapped.  
“What the hell are you so mad at me for?”  
“I’m not mad at you! What do you need?”  
“Hank and Cole asked me to make a longer act and I wanted to start working on it with you as soon as possible.”  
“Oh, well I’m sure you don’t need me for that. You’re an expert now.”  
Gavin nearly dropped his costumes.  
“Are you mad that I’ve been getting attention and you haven’t?”  
“What? Are you stupid? Of course not!”  
“No, you’re jealous because you think that I don’t need attention from you now that I have hundreds of people who want to talk to me!” Gavin yelled, “I thought you were happy for me?”  
“I am!” Richard yelled back, dropping what he was doing and letting the zebra run away in fear, its costume jingling as it dragged across the floor. “You’re such an idiot!”  
“Tell me the truth, then! You can’t just treat me like horseshit out of nowhere and expect me not to be upset when you don’t explain!”  
Richard’s jaw tightened and he clenched his fists angrily, returning to the zebra and removing the rest of its costume hastily.  
“Well?” Gavin demanded.  
“I am happy for you.”  
“Liar.”  
“I just… you’re going to think I’m so selfish, and if I tell you why I’m upset you’ll never talk to me again.”  
Gavin picked up the costume Richard dropped for him.  
“Try me.”  
“I don’t really want to.”  
“We’ve known each other for long enough, why do you think I’d just…” Gavin let the sentence hang in the air, realizing what he was saying. He did run. He ran every time. Was this why Richard was upset?  
“Yeah,” Richard followed Gavin out of the stable and watched as he put away the costumes in an organized heap.  
“I put everything I could into your show, you know,” Richard continued after the several minute long silence.  
“I know. That’s why it’s so good.”  
“But I still feel so… useless.”  
Gavin frowned, “why? You’re the reason the act is good. Do you need other people to see you in order to feel better about yourself?”  
He hadn’t meant it as an insult, just a simple question.  
“No- I just-” Richard shook his head, “I’ve told you a thousand times how much being on the lyra means to me. I feel stuck. Like a bird in a cage. I only ever took solace in you… but you’re just…”  
Richard threw up his arms.  
“...whatever.”  
Gavin felt pained to hear these words, knowing that his actions had been bleeding Richard out for far too long.  
“I’m sorry-”  
“Yeah, I’m sorry, too, but I can’t change what’s happened. I’m broken, and now my only real friend is too scared to look me in the eye.”  
Gavin bit his lip, his stomach knotting and sweat forming along his collar.  
“I’ll get over it eventually, Gavin, just let me be mad for one night, okay?” Richard said quietly.  
“Okay, but after we’re done here I really need you to show me something.”  
Richard sighed loudly, “what?”  
“I’ll tell you when we’re there.”  
“You’re the worst.”  
“I know.”

Once they had finished with the animals, putting away their costumes and feeding them, Gavin quickly changed out of his own costume, much to Richard’s shagrin.  
He knew this because Richard always made a point of looking disappointed when Gavin put a shirt back on, and part of Gavin relished in that moment every single time.  
“Okay, what did you want me to show you, exactly?” Richard asked after his signature pout was answered with Gavin’s laughing eyes.  
“Just hold on.”  
“I’ve been waiting for hours, now.”  
“You can wait a little longer.”  
Richard grew slightly more agitated when he realized they were going to the ring.  
“What are we doing?” he asked in a far more demanding tone.  
“I have an idea for the longer act, but I just need you to show me how something works.”  
Richard sighed, and Gavin guessed that he probably knew where he was going with his cryptic explanation, but he didn’t care.  
Once inside the big ring, Gavin switched on a couple of the lower lights, pointing them at the ring, then lowering one of the center lyras until it was a foot or two off the ground.  
“Okay, what gives?” Richard folded his arms, “I’m going to be really angry if you try to tell me that I should just try, because you know I can’t do anything serious for another month.”  
“I’m not stupid,” Gavin rolled his eyes, “I just wanted you to show me how to throw this.”  
“What for?”  
All of Richard’s defenses were up, now.  
“I was thinking of using them for the tigers. Add an acrobatic element, you know? Maybe I could get some of the horses and dogs to do it, too…”  
“Just have them jump through the hoop?” Richard was less tense now, walking up to the lyra and holding it with his hand, “okay, I think I understand you.”  
“I don’t know, maybe it’s dumb,” Gavin was having second thoughts as Richard stepped onto the platform Gavin had dragged into the ring so he could reach the lyra.  
“Don’t back out now, you were obviously very invested in this.”  
Gavin glared at Richard’s smug face and explained his idea.  
“I wanted the lyra to go around the ring and have the animals jump through as it came to them.”  
“Okay, but there’s no way you can throw it hard enough.”  
“I’m strong!”  
“It’s not about strength!” Richard pinched his nose, “it’s about the arc of the swing. Even if you threw it right, it might only go half-way.”  
“Why don’t you demonstrate, then? That’s why you’re here,” Gavin urged.  
Richard shook his head, contemplating the ring and looking at the wires.  
“You’ll need the lyra with one wire, not two, that’ll give you the best chance.”  
He was practically talking to himself now as he moved his hands up and down the ring slowly while Gavin lowered the single-wire lyra and threw it toward Richard.  
“Yeah, you suck at throwing.”  
“Whatever. You used to suck at reading, and now you’re doing a lot better. That must mean I can learn how to throw a stupid ring!”  
Gavin wished he had bit his tongue, but Richard’s thin patience wouldn’t give him time to rescind the statement. He grabbed the lyra from Gavin and stomped back onto the platform.  
“You want to know what it takes to get this ring to go all the way around without stopping? You’ve got to ride it, Gavin. You’ve got to hold it out, get a running start--” He was clinging to the outer edge of the ring with his good arm, and without thinking he leaped off the stand, his left foot propped easily into the bottom curve of the circle while his right leg swung out to bring the ring into a higher curve.  
Gavin jumped in shock at Richard’s sudden flight, running to the platform to help him stop just in case he needed it.  
Richard landed perfectly in front of Gavin, the two sharing the small platform as Richard flung the ring around Gavin’s back and held it there.  
“That’s how you do it, bastard. Do you want to do that?”  
“You can do it, right?”  
Richard pursed his lips, glaring at Gavin.  
“So you really did bring me out here to try and say I can still do stuff.”  
“You just barely did something!”  
“That was nothing!” Richard yelled, the pain obvious on his face, “a child could do that. You could do that!”  
Gavin grit his teeth. Unable to take it anymore.  
“It isn’t nothing! Stop saying that it’s not enough! I only ever agreed to do a show for you! I only ever wanted to cheer you up because you looked so damn sad and I couldn’t stand to see you that way! I just wanted to do something right for once in my life and you’re saying it’s not good enough? That no matter what I offer you, if you can’t get everything it’s not enough?”  
He was shaking now, and he was sure Richard had grown taller between blinks as the fear of the confrontation pressed him into the ground.  
“You… did it for me?”  
“Are you an idiot? You can figure out I like you but you can’t figure out that I would go out of my way just to help you feel better about yourself?” Gavin exclaimed, pulling at his hair, “I’m sorry that I’m so damn scared to like you, okay? Don’t you understand that the whole reason I even got beat to the edge of my life nearly every week by my grand ol’ dad and ended up here is because I’m a fucking fag and a disgrace to his family?”  
Gavin couldn’t stop the stinging, horrible tears from slipping out. He was so sick of the terror and guilt and shame.  
“I’m sorry if that’s a dumb reason. If you want to hate me for not telling you about it, then fine. Whatever. I’m just so sick of-”  
“Stop, Gavin.”  
Richard had dropped the lyra and was pressing his hands into the sides of Gavin’s head, “stop.”  
He stared into Gavin’s eyes with that same, intense gaze that kept Gavin up at night.  
“It’s okay if you’re scared. It’s okay if you don’t feel ready…” Richard sighed, “I’m sorry I was so selfish… I’m sorry I’m so selfish now.”  
“I’m sorry I’m such a coward. I want this so badly… ever since…”  
“--ever since those dumb tigers pushed me into your lap?” Richard allowed a grin to crack across his flushed face, “me too.”  
“But you’re so damn perfect, and I can’t be everything you want--”  
“--stop, Gavin,” Richard brushed his hands through his hair, “if I’m the reason you do things that make you uncomfortable, you ought to leave my sorry ass. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”  
Gavin leaned into Richard’s hand, sniffing loudly and wishing he wasn’t such an awkward child. He wished he could be more than he was.  
“I’ll wait, you know… maybe I’ll be impatient sometimes, but that’s because I’m a terrible person,” Richard said, letting his hands drop away from Gavin’s face and fold across his chest.  
The moment his calloused hands stopped touching Gavin’s skin he knew he couldn’t bear to go another day without them there.  
“Maybe we could start really small,” he said, reaching up and pulling one of Richard’s hands into his, “maybe you could just…”  
“I’ll hold it for as long as you want me to.”


	24. Stepping Out Into The Unknown

Performing with Richard was something straight out of a dream. Nolan had protested it vehemently, but when Nolan and Connor realized that Richard wasn’t going to back down, they let it go.  
Gavin was convinced it was because Connor knew about their relationship.  
It wasn’t that Gavin had told Richard to keep it a secret. Richard wasn’t the type to announce anything to anyone. The only reason Connor knew was because he spotted them holding hands in the stables. Connor had promised to keep it secret, but somehow other people were hinting that they knew all the time to him.  
Like right now. Simon and Markus seemed especially cheeky as they did their costume reveal for Richard’s Animal Tamer act gear.  
They looked at him with devilish grins on their faces while Connor and Nolan jabbed him in the ribs with stupid gaped mouths and raised eyebrows as if they expected him to recite an editorial review of Richard’s absolutely stunning and disgustingly revealing outfit.  
“Animal Tamers don’t wear shirts,” Simon reminded with a grin.  
Richard’s “9” tattoo was exposed for the world to see, but that was an afterthought compared to the spartan muscles that he sported from shoulders to hips. Despite his downtime, he still looked more solid than the statue of David.  
“I did the designs on his pants just like yours, see!” Ralph pointed to the red-orange tassels and fiery decorations that matched Gavin’s own designs.  
“You’ll look so gorgeous together,” Chloe agreed as if she were critiquing the event like a wine taster.  
“You guys are driving me insane,” Gavin mumbled, feeling his face flush hot and not wanting the world to see.  
But they all did.  
“He thinks you’re the bee’s knees, Rich,” Nolan said with a smothered laugh.  
Richard folded his arms and turned in front of the mirror, checking himself out as he turned around.  
“You’ll have to try them out on the lyra before you do a live performance,” Simon warned, “I wouldn’t want anything ripping on you.”  
“That would definitely be unfortunate,” Richard agreed, turning to Gavin, “well, is it alright?”  
Gavin forced himself to look up at Richard and then forced himself to tell the truth in front of everyone.  
“I don’t think that figure is for everyone’s eyes.”  
Chloe’s eyes widened and her hands flew to her mouth. Traci and Tracey choked on tight giggles and everyone else took a deep breath, watching as Richard looked down at himself then over at Gavin.  
“Well… when were you going to get to it?”  
“EVENTUALLY!” Gavin said, his eyes almost watering his face was so hot.  
“I’m just giving you a head start,” Richard suppressed a grin, “besides, I had to control myself when you decided it was okay to walk onto a stage in front of thousands of people with only the worst excuse for a jacket I’ve ever known.”  
“Ooooh,” Nolan whispered excitedly, reminding Gavin that he was surrounded by people.  
“My opinion still stands, but I guess we’ll call it a draw.”  
Richard’s eyes squeezed shut with his now much more common Cheshire-cat smile.  
“You two are disgusting,” Nolan spat out his tongue.  
“Whatever, it’s not like you could do better,” Richard countered immediately.  
“This is getting heated,” Markus commented.  
“Be nice to him!” Ralph pulled at Nolan’s shirt, “isn’t he your little brother? You should be nice to him.”  
Nolan sighed, “sorry, Richard.”  
“Apology accepted.”  
Gavin pushed himself onto his feet, the rattle of the train shaking him slightly as he got his bearings.  
“Are we done here? I don’t want to miss lunch.”  
Everyone was standing up now, agreeing with his sentiments and crowding the door quickly. Connor promised to save him a seat as he stayed back and waited for Richard to change.  
“Are you really so envious?” Richard hummed as he changed behind the curtain. No one was there to hear them now.  
“I mean… maybe a little bit…” Gavin bit his lip, “you’re just so…”  
Richard popped his head out from behind the curtain, “so what?”  
“So beautiful.”  
“You are too, you know.”  
Gavin laughed harshly.  
Stepping out from behind the curtain, Richard stopped changing and stamped up to Gavin, pulling him behind the curtain with him, where a tall mirror was propped to help those dressing understand their costume.  
“Why did you laugh?” Richard demanded, his suspenders left hanging at his sides and his undershirt untucked.  
“I just--it’s hard to understand for me. You have a lot of self-confidence, but I’ve never really liked how I looked.”  
“Why?”  
“I look like my dad.”  
“I don’t know who the hell your dad is, and frankly, I couldn’t give a damn,” Richard turned Gavin around so he would face the mirror, “all I’ve got to look at is this.”  
“You have really low standards.”  
Richard sighed, obviously frustrated, “I don’t see it that way.”  
Turning Gavin around fully, Richard held his face in his hands as he had many times now. He looked at Gavin with an inspecting gaze, rubbing his thumb through Gavin’s hairline.  
Eventually, his hands began to tug at the bandages wrapped tightly around Gavin’s head, loosening them and starting to remove them.  
“What are you doing?” Gavin’s hands shot up to stop him.  
“Let me see.”  
“But-”  
“You don’t need them, Gavin, I know you don’t,” Richard said softly, placing Gavin’s hands down at his sides and returning to his work.  
Gavin submitted to Richard’s demands, staring at his scuffed shoes as he fretted over what he would see in the mirror. He had purposefully avoided mirrors while changing the bandages. The scar on his lip was ugly enough.  
Richard pocketed the bandages that had bound his head, brushing the hair out of Gavin’s eyes and pushing the defiant locks back as best he could. He then pulled the bandage off Gavin’s nose and cheek.  
Gavin closed his eyes tightly. Partly because it hurt, but he mostly wanted to avoid Richard’s reaction.  
“Oh.”  
Looking up quickly, Gavin’s quick spear of hurt was replaced with confusion as he saw a light smile on Richard’s face, his brows pulled up slightly and his eyes filled with so much warmth Gavin couldn’t look away.  
He brushed a knuckle against Gavin’s nose, causing a shiver to go down Gavin’s spine. He could feel the scar against Richard’s hand.  
“Is it bad?”  
Richard shook his head as if in a trance, his face getting closer to his own than it had ever been before.  
“May I kiss you?”  
Gavin was shocked at the question. It halted the moment like a frozen movie, and without thinking he moved his own head forward and pressed it into Richard’s, though their lips weren’t close enough to touch.  
Instead, Richard kissed Gavin’s scars. First his brow, then his nose, and finally his lips.  
At first, Gavin frantically tried to figure out what he was supposed to do in that moment, but Richard acted as a particularly good teacher, letting him be bad at first but not allowing it for long.  
Gavin felt that his lungs were completely devoid of air, yet he had never felt lighter. He had also never felt so awkward and unsure, but the way Richard held him led him to forget his anxieties quickly.  
“Oh,” Gavin breathed when Richard finally released him, but not too far.  
His arms were wrapped tightly around Gavin, and now his face was pressed into Gavin’s hair.  
“Just ‘oh’?”  
“I don’t have the words to describe what that was like.”  
Richard’s face migrated from hair to neck, and Gavin felt his body grow hot. Weeks of practiced self-control flying off base as Richard moved his leg forward, pressing into Gavin.  
A sound Gavin didn’t even know he could make came from deep within his churning gut, his cheeks blazing and a shock of discomfort inside him that felt very close to the sickness one feels right before vomiting.  
But he also didn’t want it to stop.  
Instead, he grabbed Richard’s shirt and pulled him even closer, letting Richard devour his neck, his face, and his lips between tight gasps.  
It felt selfish, but Gavin couldn’t possibly focus on whether or not Richard was experiencing as much pleasure as he was. All he felt was heat radiating off his body and melting into Richard’s as hands caressed skin and traveled hastily over muscles, hips, and pulled at clothes.  
Everything was a mess, and a tiny voice in Gavin’s head screamed that he was embarrassing himself, but the pleasure of the experience overpowered the intrusive thoughts.  
They could have spent an eternity in that changing room or only a few minutes. Gavin would never know, he was so lost in the moment.  
Richard pressed his cheek softly against Gavin’s as he held him close, their hands twined together and Gavin wanting to pass out in his arms before a loud growl from his stomach interrupted the tranquil silence.  
Richard turned to Gavin with a sympathetic face covering a snort of laughter, “oh my god, I totally forgot you were the one who wanted to eat.”  
“Honestly, I’m surprised Connor hasn’t come for us yet.”  
“I think he’s not stupid.”  
Gavin’s cheeks flushed weakly, “do you think they all know what we’ve been doing?”  
“They probably think we’ve been doing this for a while, but they can have their cheap gossip,” Richard kissed Gavin’s nose as he sat up from where they had landed on the ground, “I got the real thing.”  
Gavin looked away out of habit.  
“Was that okay?” Richard asked suddenly, his face filled with genuine panic, “I didn’t really ask if I could do that. I know you said--”  
“Honestly, I’m glad you didn’t,” Gavin admitted, “I think I would’ve said no out of fear.”  
“Really?” Richard’s eyes widened and his shoulders tensed with building stress.  
“...but now I’m not scared anymore.”  
Richard’s anxious eyes squeezed shut as a big smile stretched across his face.  
“God, I love you.”  
Gavin returned the smile, “I love you, too.”


	25. Wake Up

Gavin had no other way to describe the change that had come over him after that day. The sick feeling in his stomach at the sight of Richard disappeared, replaced with a simple warmth that filled his entire frame.  
Everything felt easier. Even the prospect of talking to people and performing seemed like nothing. Something deep inside him had changed, and he had never been happier.  
Richard responded to this new leaf with his own efforts. He did all the exercises that the doctors gave him to help his shoulder without complaint, and he no longer went out of his way to hide from others.  
Even now, Richard waited with Gavin at the end of their first performance along with the other performers as the crowds loosened themselves from the stands and began to surround them gleefully, chattering and laughing and complimenting as they slowly filed toward the grounds and away from the main tent.  
Loud pictures exploded before their eyes when a reporter came by to record the moment, promising to write another great review of the circus.  
Gavin was beginning to feel the natural tug of exhaustion that led him to sneak away from the crowds when his entire world stopped. The crowds split and his dream ended in a splash of ice-cold water.  
“Gavin!”  
His mother ran to him and grabbed his cropped jacket, “where is your shirt? How can you stand in front of these people and expose yourself like this? It’s--it’s not for someone of your status.”  
“We know _why_ , Cassidy,” his father drawled, dark eyes piercing into Gavin’s soul like a flaming sword.  
“What are you doing here?” Gavin managed to choke out, trying to take a step back, but unable to pull away from his mother’s iron grip.  
“It’s time to come home, Gavin. Enough playing around,” his father snipped coldly, “especially with these… uncommon and disturbed people.”  
“They’re not--”  
“Gavin, don’t argue,” his mother snapped, her eyes flaring. Her tone was as sharp as he remembered it.  
“Excuse me, but who the hell are you two?”  
Gavin wanted to cry in relief at the sound of Richard’s voice. The consequences of this interaction were not going to be good. Why did they have to come? What did they want? It had been months since he had run away… there had been numerous papers published about him. Why didn’t they come earlier if they had been searching for him? Surely they didn’t actually care about him…  
“Hold your tongue, child,” Gavin’s dad whipped around to face Richard, their height matching, but Gavin’s father was much bulkier, “we are his parents. Don’t interfere in things that aren’t your business.”  
“I beg your pardon, sir,” Richard said coolly, stepping between Cassidy and Gavin, “but anything to do with him is _definitely_ my business.”  
Gavin hid behind Richard fearfully, his whole body shaking and a circle forming around the conflict.  
His mother looked as if someone had slapped her.  
“You aren’t--”  
Richard didn’t need to reach for Gavin’s hand, he had already grabbed it the moment he had stepped in.  
“Step away from my son, you filthy faggot,” Gavin’s father said with a low growl, “don’t make this harder than it has to be.”  
“Make me,” Richard threw back.  
The crowd was getting bigger, eventually attracting the attention of the other acts. Connor and Nolan broke into the circle, along with Hank and Cole.  
“You have no right to keep him! You probably kidnapped him!” Cassidy cried out indignantly at Richard, fake tears welling up in her eyes, “you’ve brainwashed him and trained him to be a freak like you!”  
“He’s not a freak!” Gavin muttered.  
Head snapping toward Gavin, his father took a step forward, “what did you say?”  
Stepping forward, Gavin came out from behind Richard, “he’s not. A freak. He’s better than you’ll ever be--”  
A hard pain snapped across Gavin’s face as a large hand made contact, throwing him backward and almost into the ground, but Richard caught him before he fell.  
“How dare you--!” Richard started, his face twisted in a fury Gavin had never seen before.  
But Hank was intervening now, holding a hand out to Richard, who glared at Gavin’s father like a cornered wolf.  
“Sir, I’m sure we can come to an understanding. Let’s talk, okay?”  
“There’s no talking with people like you,” Gavin’s father sniffed, “you’re the captain of this crew of lost souls, and my son will have nothing to do with filth like you! I will not have my name wasted on the likes of such an ungodly lifestyle.”  
“I never forced your son to do anything,” Hank said politely, “he came willingly, and he needed help. He was in desperate need of medical attention when he found us, and we provided it. If he hadn’t made it to us, he would have likely died of infection.”  
Hank weighed his words carefully, clearly insinuating Gavin’s father for the near-death of his son. The crowd watched on with intrigued whispers.  
“If he had never left home, he would have received perfectly good care, and he wouldn’t be marked up with those hideous scars…. Likely from your _malpractice_.”  
Hank folded his arms, “what did you need with him?”  
“We’re here to take him home.”  
“What if he doesn’t want to go home?”  
Gavin’s father glared at Hank with so much venom Gavin flinched unconsciously away from it. Even though it wasn’t directed at him, he still felt its energy.  
“That’s not his choice. He is legally bound to us, and as his guardians, we have grounds to remove him from the premise as we please.”  
Hank gritted his teeth, “he’s not a child.”  
“But he is not an adult,” Cassidy said smartly, “and therefore incapable of making his own, rational decisions.”  
“Obviously not, or why would he have associated with the likes of you?” Gavin’s father sneered, looking at Gavin, “come on, then. We have no business here. I feel dirty just standing in this place.”  
“No.”  
It came out as a whisper, but he had managed it.  
“What did you say?”  
Gavin’s father walked up to him again, shoving Richard out of the way with one strong stroke of his hand, unknowingly pushing into Richard’s still-sore shoulder. He grabbed Gavin by his jacket and shook him, “what did you just say?”  
“I’m sorry- I’m sorry--I--didn’t mean--”  
“You come quietly right now,” his father whispered, “and I won’t sink this entire circus into the ground in one stroke.”  
“H-how w-w-will--” Gavin's brain flashed to a hundred dark memories.  
“Money can do a lot of things when it’s placed in the hands of the right people. You know that, Gavin. They’re all criminals, and you know it. You know I can do it.”  
Gavin's knees were buckling underneath him, but his father held him up violently.  
“Do you understand me?” He yelled.  
“Yes, sir!” Gavin cried, squeezing his eyes shut and bracing himself for more violence.  
He was dropped to the ground with a shove and smacked across the crown of his head.  
“Don’t cry. It’s unbecoming.”  
“Yes, sir.”  
“You’ll be coming with us, then,” Gavin’s father looked over at Hank smugly.  
“Yes, sir,” Gavin could barely choke the words out. Richard grabbed his hand.  
“What the hell? What are you doing?”  
“Get away from him!” Gavin’s father raised a hand, but Hank and Cole stood in the way.  
“We’re going to ask you to leave, or else we will call for the police.”  
Gavin’s father laughed, “I own the police, idiot. Maybe I should call them on you for kidnapping my son and giving him those ugly scars!”  
“You are the fucking bastard who bloodied him up in the first place!” Cole roared, held back by Hank.  
“Is that what he told you?” A thin line formed across his mouth, “what a pity. He’s turned out to be a liar, too.”  
Gavin couldn’t bear to see this continue, already knowing the punishment that awaited him.  
“Stop, please,” he begged meekly, “I’ll come with you. I promise. I’m sorry. Please don’t--”  
His father smacked him again.   
“Don’t interrupt me.”  
“John, he said he would come back. We don’t need to make this a bigger scene,” Cassidy hissed.  
John sighed, looking over at Hank and Cole, who was red with anger. Connor and Nolan held onto Richard’s arms, but his face was not angry. He was broken.  
“Gavin, why? We told you we’d protect you,” he murmured.  
“It’s for your own good,” Gavin started to say before he was turned around and shoved forward.  
“What are these hideous clothes? What kind of a heathen were they turning you into?” Cassidy fussed loudly, “the audacity!”  
Gavin allowed himself to be pulled obediently by the wrist, his father’s hand so tight it felt like his bones would crack under the pressure.  
“Wait!”  
Gavin’s eyes welled up with tears at the sound of Richard’s desperate cry.  
“Tell him to shut up,” John said with a jerk of Gavin’s arm.  
“Please don’t do this--”  
“Richard!”  
Gavin’s father let him turn around to face Richard, who had broken free from his brothers.  
“Don’t. Please.”  
“We can help you!” Richard begged.  
Gavin stared at him, pleading with his eyes for Richard to understand that he was just trying to protect him. To protect the circus.   
Richard’s face fell, and tears began to smear the makeup on his face, creating dark lines across his cheeks.  
“Why don’t you trust us? Why don’t you trust me?”  
“Because I love you too much to let you get hurt because of me.”  
Gavin heard his mother’s gasp a moment before he was grabbed by his hair and yanked back, a disapproving tsk coming from his father.  
“Disgusting. We’ve talked about this.”  
Gavin hung his head, listening to Richard cry as he was marched through the grounds and shoved into the back seat of a cab like a criminal.  
“Take us home, Stanford,” John growled, lighting a cigar.


	26. Shattered

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pretty dark. Just a warning.

It was, by all accounts, one of the longest drives of Gavin’s life. Neither his mother or his father spoke to him in the car, and Gavin was forced to choke on the heavy smell of smoke coming from his father’s cigar---a smell he thought he had finally rid himself of since leaving home.  
He did his best to keep himself together. To not watch the trees as they passed because it reminded him of the train. To not think about Richard’s hand in his as he clasped his own hands together anxiously. He tried so hard to take the beating when it came without flinching.  
But the moment he was alone again, locked in a windowless room, he cried. He sobbed so hard that he eventually lost his voice. He wondered what the point of it all was. There was a moment where he searched the room for something sharp, but couldn’t find anything useful. It was almost as if his parents had known that he would search for a way out and had purposely emptied the room of all options.  
It was hell.  
And it was only about to get worse.

“Young Master, you are expected at breakfast.”  
Samantha, Gavin’s maid, spoke softly. She had been more of a mother to him than his own mother ever had. She had always been the one to tend to him after his beatings. After a while, though, Gavin’s father had stopped her from tending to him because ‘he was a grown man, now.’  
“Oh, do they want to see my hideous face now?” Gavin asked hoarsely, his voice crackling like the croak of a toad.  
“Gavin….” she looked down, wringing her hands. He could see some grey strands of hair in her otherwise dark locks. He decided to not take out his anger on her.  
“I apologize.”  
He followed her down to the dining room morosely, limping slightly down the stairs for the pain in his leg. He vaguely wondered if it was broken.  
“Here is the Young Master,” Samantha announced the moment Gavin entered the main dining area, his parents sitting at the head of the table.  
“You’re late and unwashed,” his mother pointed out immediately with a scoff.  
His father pointedly ignored him.  
“I’m sorry, is the dried blood caking my nose putting you off your eggs?” Gavin muttered under his breath so that neither of them could hear except for Samantha.  
Samantha had given him some fresh clothes to wear that were stiff and uncomfortable. They also didn’t fit him anymore because he had grown so much at the circus. Because he actually ate at the circus.  
Sitting down in front of his plate of soulless food, Gavin wondered if he had the inner strength to just starve himself to death.  
“Eat, Gavin, we can’t have you meeting your fiance at the gala looking ill.”  
Gavin grabbed his legs tight, his whole body stiffening.  
“My… what?”  
“We’ve arranged for you to be married to the eldest daughter of the Chen family.”  
Gavin stared hard into his plate, his skin prickling in disgust.  
“I don’t even know who the hell those people are.”  
“Don’t be crass, child. Eat.”  
Gavin felt his father’s burning gaze on him and he eventually picked up his silver fork and impaled the sausage on his plate.  
“You should be honored to have such an arrangement made for you,” his father’s voice was cool and heartless, sending chills down Gavin’s spine, “you’ll be set for life, and join our family’s wealth with their own.”  
Gavin bit his tongue, stopping himself from saying the thoughts that came to his head.  
Of course his parents only got him back because of a political move for money.  
“...and what if I say no?” Gavin whispered.  
His father gently set down his silverware.  
Gavin tensed up immediately, bracing himself to run.  
“You won’t say no.”  
Forcing himself to look at his father in the eyes, Gavin opened his mouth to speak.  
“I don’t want to be here.”  
“You want to go back to that filth?”  
“They aren’t filth.”  
“Don’t you speak back at me!” He roared, sending Gavin looking down into his lap again, gripping the edges of his chair as his heart raced.  
“You cannot go back to them,” his father sneered, “I own you. As my son, you are my property to use as I please.”  
“Until I’m 18,” Gavin whispered.  
A hand slammed down on the table next to his plate. Gavin flinched away, nearly falling off his chair.  
“You are still half a year away from being legally an adult. I have the paperwork. You will do as I say or you will suffer for it.”  
Gavin whimpered, nodding weakly as his father leaned over him until he responded, a hand gripping the collar of his shirt tightly.  
“Come on, John, not at the table,” Gavin’s mother requested politely.  
He released Gavin, returning to his spot at the head of the table and resuming his meal as if nothing had occurred.  
Gavin stirred the food on his plate slowly, making it look like he had eaten something before excusing himself from the table.  
“Where do you think you’re going?” His father asked tightly.  
“Back to my room,” Gavin breathed, his hands shaking.  
“That’s correct, Samantha, why don’t you make sure he makes it there,” he gestured at the maid, sending them both away like moths.  
“Young Master, can I bring you anything to clean---”  
“I want you to leave me alone, Samantha,” Gavin muttered, walking into his room as she opened the door for him.  
“Of course, Young Master. Ring me if you need anything.”  
Gavin let her close the door as he dragged his feet into the room, glancing at the mirror-image of himself on the dresser.  
The scars on his face stood out viciously from his skin, the dried blood from his now slightly broken nose caked around his upper lip and the left side of his face. His left eye was black and bruised again.  
Gavin saw himself shaking in the mirror. It was like he had shrunken down to half his size in one night.  
Clenching his fist, Gavin slammed it into the mirror, shattering it loudly, unable to bear looking at himself any longer or see the scars that Richard had so carefully kissed and loved.  
Why hadn’t he tried harder? Hadn’t he learned to stand up for himself? He had collapsed like a house built on stilts before a storm. He had broken Richard’s heart. Again.  
“Young Master? Are you okay?”  
Gavin had been sure to lock the door, though he didn’t know how effective it was, after all the other precautions his parents had taken.  
“I’m fine, Samantha, don’t mind me,” Gavin replied a little too quickly.  
He was staring at his bleeding knuckles now, and the shattered glass scattered about the dresser and the ground.  
Picking one up, he walked slowly to his bed and sat down, staring at the shard as hot tears rolled down his face.


	27. Coordinated Colors and Porcelain Women

“How does it feel, dear?” Samantha asked, tightening the waist of his coat and adjusting the buttons on the vest.  
“Like I’m wearing a monkey suit,” Gavin muttered.  
“The correct expression is ‘Penguin Suit’, Young Master,” Samantha forced a grin, “and I think you look dashing.”  
Gavin could not have disagreed more.  
Two weeks of isolation and barely manageable meals had made his cheeks look slightly sunken in. At the very least, the upcoming gala had forced his father to keep his hands off long enough for Gavin to heal so he wouldn’t look abused when he was introduced to the Chen family.  
Like some sort of offering. Like cattle.  
Gavin had to take a few breaths to calm down the anger that had been burning inside him. At the very least he knew how to act like a rich man’s son. He knew how to play the part he had been ‘born to play’-- according to his mother.  
“You remember your steps, right Young Master?” Samantha asked kindly.  
“I’m sure I couldn’t forget them.”  
Samantha smiled at him, trying to help him cheer up, but failing miserably as she had for the last 15 days.  
Gavin trudged down the steps until he was in view of his parents, then he straightened his back and walked like he had been taught, falling in step behind them to their car, their driver holding the doors open for them.  
“Here, son, put this in your pocket,” his mother instructed, placing a golden watch into his hands, “let the chain hang out.”  
It was an attempt to show their wealth off, of course. Gavin had never been dressed so extravagantly in his life. Even his buttons were made of pure gold.  
He obeyed his mother without a word, of course, silently placing the watch in his pocket and showing her where he pinned the end of the chain.  
“Perfect.”  
Their driver drove up to the steps of the palace-like building where the gala was being held, people already forming a thin type of crowd as they walked up the steps into the pillared ballroom.  
“Enjoy your evening, good sirs….and lady.”  
“Be back by 11:30,” Gavin’s father instructed shortly.  
Walking into the ballroom, it felt so washed out in comparison to the circus. The colors were all coordinated. People spoke in hushed tones and danced to the beat of the classical orchestra music playing. Diamond chandeliers hung from the ceiling.  
It was disgusting.  
“The maid did a good job on his face,” Gavin’s mother commented as they walked through the crowds, nodding as they passed people they knew. Gavin recognized a few of them, and they eyed him with knowing gazes.  
They all knew he was a freak. They all knew he was a dark stain on his father’s name.  
Gavin resorted to just looking down so that he couldn’t see everyone averting their gazes as he and his parents walked by.  
“Mr. Reed,” a voice leaking with arrogance spoke up above the dull mulling of the crowd.  
“Mr. Chen.”  
“You’ve brought your son, I see.”  
Gavin was pushed forward, and he raised his head defiantly at the man he was to address in front of him.  
Mr. Chen had sharp features, his dark black hair marked with silver, but his age was hardly knowable.  
Gavin nodded at Mr. Chen politely, holding out his hand as he introduced himself as he had a million times before.  
“Gavin Reed, sir. It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance.”  
“I would hope it was your pleasure,” Mr. Chen’s voice was silky, but only fence-sitting on polite.  
“Tina, darling, come meet your betrothed.”  
Gavin’s stomach churned as he looked up to see a beautifully adorned and ornamented girl walking up to him.  
She couldn’t have been much older than himself. Her face was painted pale and was completely unreadable. She carried herself with the poise of an empress. She looked like a porcelain doll but walked with the fluidity of a river.  
It didn’t feel real.  
“Would you like to dance, Miss Chen?” Gavin offered automatically, his training kicking in before he looked like a fool.  
She looked him up and down without a single change to her emotionless face, then took his hand and followed him to the dance floor.  
As the music started into a waltz, Tina leaned forward slightly so she could speak close to his ear.  
“I’ve seen you before.”  
“I don’t believe we’ve met, Miss Chen.”  
“...in the paper, I mean.”  
Gavin’s grip on her waist tightened slightly as he almost missed a step.  
“Is that so?”  
“You’re the animal tamer for that very popular circus!” Her whispers were so excited that Gavin could hardly believe they were coming out of the mouth of such an austere and strict looking lady.  
“Are you sure?” Gavin asked, his voice wavering.  
“Of course I’m sure, are you calling me stupid, Mr. Reed?”  
“I’m sure my parents wouldn’t like you bragging about that to your father,” Gavin warned.  
She practically scoffed loud enough to be overheard, “my father wouldn’t know a good time unless it hit him in the face.”  
“Hmm.”  
“Promise you’ll take me sometime?”  
“Where?”  
“To the circus, you half-wit. I’ve always wanted to go to the circus, but my father won’t let me near it, of course.”  
Gavin was taken aback by her forceful nature, but the suggestion began the formulation of an idea in his mind.  
“How sensible of him,” Gavin hummed, a small smile breaking across his face.  
“You don’t strike me as the sensible type, your fancy clothes don’t fool me,” Tina laughed.  
“I’m sure I could find a way to get us a seat at a performance,” Gavin said, “just our secret.”  
“Of course, of course,” her face grew serious, “I wouldn’t dare to ruin the fun.”  
“Perfect,” Gavin grinned.


	28. A Partner And A Plan

They saw each other practically every other day after the gala, the plans for their wedding including many dinners, events, and parties, as well as time for them to ‘bond’ according to Tina’s father.  
Gavin’s own parents hadn’t been particularly keen on the idea of Gavin spending time alone with Tina on her property, likely worried that he would run away the moment he was out of sight.  
He had much more complicated plans, however. Just running away wasn’t good enough anymore. He had to make sure that when he left, he would never be sought after again. When he left, he would disappear off the records forever.  
Tina was the key, although he wondered how she would handle the news that he wasn’t particularly interested in her, firstly, and secondly, that he was using her a little bit just to get away from his parents.  
They were riding her horses at the track just beyond the borders of her home when Tina jumped her horse over the fence line and ran it into the meadows beyond the property, forcing Gavin to jump his horse over the fence and follow her.  
“You look white as a ghost!” She crowed as he pulled up beside her.  
“I’m not incredibly fond of riding horses.”  
“You’re an animal tamer you dunderhead, how could you be afraid of riding horses?”  
“I’m not a tamer,” Gavin retorted, “it’s called mutual respect.”  
Tina nodded sagely, “is that what you’re trying to get from me?”  
Gavin rolled his eyes, “sure, I guess.”  
“I don’t respect you.”  
Looking over at Tina, Gavin opened his mouth to answer her bold statement, but she continued on.  
“Why would anyone leave the circus just to come back here to this? I don’t love you. I don’t even know you! I’m not even remotely interested in people like you.”  
“You aren’t the only one, so don’t act like you’re special!” Gavin snapped, “I didn’t leave the circus, I was forcibly removed---if you really care to know.”  
“Oh my god,” she whispered, “that’s not what my father told me.”  
“Do you actually believe everything your father says?” Gavin asked pensively.  
“Of course not!”  
“Right.”  
“So what’d your parents tell you about me?” She asked curiously.  
“Nothing. They were too busy locking me in a room to keep me from running away again to tell me anything.”  
Tina nodded, “sounds depressing.”  
“You want to know what’s really depressing?” Gavin wiped a sweaty hand over his face, rubbing off the makeup that Samantha had so painstakingly put there.  
“Oh damn,” she stopped her horse, “was that from the tigers?”  
“Hell no! This is from my father! I don’t get a choice in this scenario, don’t you get it? You complain all you want, but at least your father doesn’t beat you to the edge of your life!”  
“What reason did he have to do that to you?” She exclaimed, a look of fiery anger on her face.  
Gavin had grown to appreciate the devious undertones of Tina’s life. She certainly hid her secrets well, but he had at least earned a glimpse into her much more wild personality.  
He wasn’t sure that he was ready to reveal all his cards yet, but he wondered when he would get a chance like this again. After this weekend, their time would be taken up by tailors and interviews and event planners for two more weeks until their wedding.  
Stomach lurching at the realization that he had hardly any time left because both their parents were rushing the marriage, Gavin knew he had to tell her his real intentions.  
“You remember I promised to take you to the circus, right?’  
“Yes,” Tina kicked her horse forward again, “you’re going to be good on that, right? Or are you just dodging my question about your dad?”  
“The reason my dad beats me is because I’m gay, Tina. He pulled me out of my private school when I was 13 because he found out I was holding hands with a boy in my class.”  
Her eyes widened, a smile breaking across her face as if he had just told her she was going to own the circus, not just go see it.  
Gavin was confused at the reaction, but as soon as she spoke he realized that perhaps he could improve more than just his life with this relationship.  
“I’m a bit off too,” she whispered excitedly, looking around as if to check if anyone were listening, “I always had a thing for my maid---she’s my age---we kiss in the garden sometimes, but my father found out and sent her away. At least he has more honor than your father.”  
Gavin laughed out loud, and Tina laughed as well, both of them practically hysterical at the situation they were both in.  
“What does this have to do with the circus, though?” She queried.  
“I’m going back. Not just to watch, but to stay---”  
“Oh please bring me with you,” Tina begged, “please!”  
“This is actually better than I could have ever imagined,” Gavin said, “we can pretend we’re so in love that we decided to elope or some dumb shit like that!”  
Gavin put a hand over his mouth out of habit, the sound of his mother’s harsh voice and smack against the back of his head for his poor language echoing in his ears even though she wasn’t there to hear him and complain.  
“Won’t your father come looking for you again? If we don’t sign the official documents, then our families won’t be tied.”  
“But… what if my father didn’t have any documents proving that I was his son?”  
Tina gasped, “Gavin, you are brilliant!”  
“With your help, we can make this work, I think,” Gavin decided firmly, “do you know where your documents are?”  
“Oh, I couldn’t burn my own documents,” Tina shook her head, “my father has many sons, he’s just trying to rid himself of me because I’m a---”  
“---a shame to his family?” Gavin finished.  
“Yeah,” Tina sighed, “he won’t miss me.”  
“Well then, it’s settled. Help create a distraction at my parent’s manor so that I have a chance at snagging my documents. Then, the night before our wedding we’ll make a break for it!”  
Tina giggled gleefully, “that shouldn’t be hard, your parents bend over backward for me!”  
“I’ll look into where the circus is performing the night we make a run for it. It should be relatively nearby since they’re on the final leg of their journey for the season.”  
Tina nodded, “I get the newspaper at my house. I’ll let you know since I’m sure your parents won’t let you see anything about your circus.”  
Gavin hadn’t even thought about that. Of course his parents would be too suspicious of him to let him see the papers.  
“That would be wonderful, Tina.”  
“Are there any pretty girls at the circus?” She asked shyly as they started toward the property again.  
“Loads. So many,” Gavin laughed, “and most of them are like you! I’m sure I could introduce you to some very lovely ladies if you’d like.”  
“Oh my god, yes.”  
Tina blushed madly.  
Gavin snorted, “you haven’t even seen them, yet.”  
“Oh, but I’ve imagined them,” she asserted slyly, “what about you? Any pretty boys for you? They all probably worshipped you since you were a ringmaster, right?”  
Gavin looked down, his ears burning, but his heart heavy as he thought of Richard.  
“Who’s the embarrassed one now!” Tina chortled madly, “oh do tell, Animal Tamer.”  
“His name is Richard,” Gavin finally replied after an extended silence that had turned Tina slightly more serious.  
“Yeah? Do you miss him?”  
“God… more than anything.”  
“Tell me about him.”  
Gavin glanced at Tina, wondering why she was so curious, but she encouraged him with a soft smile. This wasn’t about entertainment, she genuinely wanted to know.  
“He’s one of the flying acrobats,” Gavin started, closing his eyes, “he’s tall with beautiful dark hair and the most handsome features… he’s quiet, doesn’t like talking to others but he really opened up to me and helped me out a lot… he helped me be a better person.”  
“Promise you’ll introduce him to me,” Tina smiled, “he sounds just wonderful.”  
“He is.”  
“You love him?”  
“Of course I do!”  
Tina smiled, “have ya kissed him?”  
“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Gavin teased, jumping off his horse as they reached the stable.  
Tina gasped, “is it unrequited love?”  
“No.”  
“Oh he’s probably so sad you’re gone…”  
Gavin frowned, looking down depressively, “I feel like I betrayed him.”  
“I’m sure you’ll win him over as soon as you get back!” Tina said with a hopeful gleam in her eye.  
He wondered if that would be the case…. Or if he had hurt Richard so bad that he wouldn’t ever recover.


	29. Identity Heist

“You’ve learned English quite well for a foreigner,” Mr. Reed commented before taking another sip of tea.  
He probably thought this was a compliment, but Tina didn’t allow the insult to disrupt her.  
Gavin felt so far away from the brunch they were having (as a break from wedding preparations) that he was barely even paying attention to the words being said by his father, or anyone for that matter. His mind was entirely focused on the execution of the plan.  
Finding his documents had proven harder than Gavin had anticipated, nevertheless, he was certain they were in his father’s study. That’s where his father kept all of his important affairs in order.  
“I’ve been tutored in many languages,” Tina responded, setting down the porcelain teacup and daintily patting her face with a napkin.  
Gavin would’ve laughed at the situation had it not been so stressful. Knowing how Tina really was, watching her act so much like a doll was beyond odd.  
“Pray tell us, darling,” Gavin’s mother smiled, “what your thoughts are of America?”  
“I was born here, so I know nothing of any other place to give a thought,” Tina replied, glancing at Gavin who sat beside her.  
She was getting tired of the small talk.  
“She _is_ American, mother,” Gavin replied, “she’s had some of the same tutors as I had growing up. She’s hardly a foreigner.”  
“Good on your father,” Gavin’s mother glanced at Gavin as if he had insulted her.  
Gavin wasn’t sure how correcting her so lightly could have been an insult, but he’s been punished for less. He figured that standing up for his betrothed would look clever.  
Apparently not.  
“He’s been very good to--” Tina’s hand ‘slipped’ and suddenly tea was all over her blouse and dress.  
“Oh!” she cried out loudly, and Gavin lifted her up from the table, his mother standing up as well.  
“Dear me!”  
“It’s okay, I’m a little clumsy at times,” Tina stammered, Gavin beginning to lead her to the manor.  
“Take her to Samantha immediately!” His mother ordered.  
“Already on my way!” Gavin said with urgency in his voice.  
Once they were away from Gavin’s parents, who had watched them the entire time from the back patio, Tina was grinning.  
“You’re quite good at acting,” Gavin snorted.  
“Good enough to be in the circus?” she whispered, following Gavin up the stairs and towards his father’s study.  
They were laughing and whispering quietly as they moved quickly, not noticing Samantha, who simply turned a blind eye. If Gavin was happy then she wasn’t about to disrupt it.  
“My father’s study,” Gavin whispered, picking the lock with a hairpin and swinging it open quietly.  
Tina got started with her rapid search immediately while Gavin closed the door quietly, locking it again before joining Tina and helping her to break into the locked drawers.  
“I feel like a bandit!” she laughed, fingers filing through papers and searching for the particularly thick parchment that birth certificates and inheritances are written on.  
“You are,” Gavin agreed, “and an excellent partner in crime.”  
“Speaking of crime, I’ve discovered where the circus will be the night before our wedding. They’ll be in Albany.”  
“Albany? That’ll take us half a day to get there by horse!”  
“I was thinking of catching a train, dummy.”  
“Oh, right.”  
They tore the entire office apart, but found nothing.  
“It should be in here!” Gavin exclaimed, “why wouldn’t it be in here?”  
“My father keeps the wills and personal family business in the drawer of his bedroom desk in a secret hidden compartment,” Tina suggested.  
The hair on Gavin’s neck rose as they scrambled to put everything back exactly as it had been, Gavin locking all the drawers again and even adjusting the pens on the desk to make sure there was nothing suspicious about the place.  
“We don’t have time for you to waste with pens, come one! They’ll likely suspect us soon if you don’t get moving!” Tina hissed, waiting at the door, “we’ve already been long!”  
Gavin rushed after her and opened the door, only to find they were standing face to face with Samantha.  
“Young Master, what are you doing in your father’s study?” she asked, a brow raised.  
“Samantha, please,” Gavin breathed, “her dress, it’s been stained with tea. Could you perhaps find her a suitable replacement?”  
Samantha saw the fear on his face and the blood drained out of both children as if they had just been told they were headed to the gallows.  
“Of course, Young Master, just bring her down to my quarters and I’ll find something for her until she can get home.”  
“We’ll be there momentarily,” Gavin nodded, letting out a breath of air as Samantha started down the hall and down the stairs.  
“I think she’s on your side,” Tina whispered as they stood rooted to the ground for a moment longer.  
“But I don’t want her to get punished by my parents! She’s been too good to me.” Gavin sighed, starting toward the master bedroom.  
As they were closing the door behind them, they heard voices on the main floor.  
“Samantha, did you see Miss Chen in here with our son?” his mother asked, “they’ve been a while.”  
“I’m afraid I haven’t, Missus.”  
Gavin’s heart began to race.  
They searched the desk on his father’s side of the bed for any sort of secret opening that might conceal the important papers.  
“Oh god oh god oh god,” Gavin muttered as he heard a pair of footsteps coming up the stairs. If it was Samantha, they would likely get away with it. If it was his mother....  
“We’ve got to put everything back!” Gavin decided quickly.  
“Just a second…!” Tina demanded, jerking a flap up and finding the secret compartment they had been looking for.  
“She’s coming!”  
Tina shoved all the papers from the compartment into the bust of her dress before closing everything.  
Gavin grabbed her by the hand, the footsteps pausing at the door of the master bedroom.  
He laid her across the large, cushioned window sill and just managed to clamber on top of her when the door opened and his mother let out a loud gasp.  
“Gavin!” she marched up to him, grabbing him by the arm and pulling him off of Tina, “that’s not appropriate!”  
They both were red-faced and breathing hard enough from the heist that it was convincing, however.  
“I had no idea you were so smitten with her,” his mother admitted, “but you mustn’t be so ungentlemanly!”  
“Ma’am, it’s my fault,” Tina spoke up quietly, “I purposely spilled tea on myself so I could get him alone. He is quite a gentleman and does anything I require of him, but we didn’t expect to go so far. We apologize for landing in your bedroom, as we were just trying to hide from the maid.”  
“Oh, dear,” Gavin’s mother blushed, “well then, for the sake of your marriage we’ll have to take some more protective measures, I think.”  
Tina and Gavin exchanged glances.  
“You’ve connected enough, I daresay. I don’t think you’ll need to be seeing each other further until the evening before your wedding. Come on, Miss Chen, let’s get you home.”  
And just like that, Tina was gone...and he didn’t even know if she’d found his documents or not.


	30. The Rat Man Returns

Preparing for the wedding had been less than bearable with Tina, but finishing the preparations without her was almost impossible. Gavin was at the snapping mercy of his mother, and the scrutinizing gaze of his father, who Gavin tried to keep his distance from as much as possible, just in case his father had realized what they had been really up to.  
There had been an evening where his father had come into Gavin’s bedroom after supper, and Gavin was sure he was going to get it...but instead his father approved of his efforts to ‘Be A Man’.  
Gavin wasn’t so sure he had fooled his father that easily, but he had most definitely done enough to convince him that the marriage was settled.  
And that’s how Gavin made it to the evening reception ball the night before his wedding without an altercation.  
He thanked god for his quick thinking the day of the heist, but wondered depressively if it had all been for naught. Gavin had been so certain that his father would find out before the ball. Surely he checks on his documents? Surely they had left something out of place?  
The look on Tina’s face when he saw her at the ball relieved him of all his fears at once. It was the mischievous glint in her eye behind the porcelain doll mask that told him all he needed to know.  
When they were introduced together, she placed her hand in his as they walked down to the ballroom floor for their first dance.  
He felt the papers in her hip as they began, all eyes on them.  
Gavin smiled at her, and he was certain the absolute joy on his face was easily read as soon-to-be marital bliss.  
When others began to join them, Tina took a moment during a pause in the music to adjust Gavin’s hand on her waist, showing him where the pocket was where the papers were stored.  
“Should I keep them?” She whispered, “they might be safer with me.”  
Gavin nodded, shocked at how still her face was despite her speaking.  
They moved to one of the tables while the band continued to play, smoke filling up the ceiling of the ballroom as people lit cigars and laughed in the haze. It was all so disgusting to Gavin that he nearly gagged.  
“You really are good at putting a face on, I have to admit,” Tina mentioned casually during a lull in the crowd of penguin-suited rich folks who wouldn’t know dirt if their faces had been rubbed in it.  
“Life experience,” Gavin mumbled.  
“Me too,” she shrugged.  
That made Gavin feel better, somehow, and he plastered on another smile for the next suit that approached him.  
And then the blood rushed from his face.  
“You should know I’ve been invited to this party.”  
The coffee stain voice of Mr. Kamski rattled in Gavin’s ears, forcing him into action.  
“By whom?”  
Mr. Kamski smiled slyly, “that’s no way to greet your guests, now is it?”  
Gavin looked him up and down and noticed that he was actually wearing legitimate threads, though slightly worn.  
“That’s right, I’m dressed for the occasion, if you’re checking.”  
“Who is this?” Tina asked as she turned in her chair to face Mr. Kamski.  
“Mr...Kamski,” Gavin forced out.  
“Elijah Kamski, a pleasure to meet you, Miss Chen,” he smiled at her and shook her hand.  
Tina glanced at Gavin nervously.  
“You’ve got a lot of affairs here, boy, I didn’t realize that your humiliation of me was so…” he gestured around the lavish decorations of the building, “...deserved.”  
“Why are you here?”  
“Read about it in the papers, honestly, your parents rather advertised it, and as I have fallen on a bit of money myself I paid for a ticket in.”  
Gavin raised an eyebrow, “why?’  
“Curiosity,” Mr. Kamski smirked, “thought that maybe I could get some money out of the situation I can put you in.”  
“Trust me,” Gavin glowered at him, “there is literally nothing you could possibly say or do that could defame me more than I already am.”  
Tina looked between Gavin and Mr. Kamski anxiously, tugging at Gavin’s pant leg as a way to get his attention and give her an explanation.  
“I don’t know...I’m sure there’s a lot of money at stake right now, my dear Animal Tamer. Are you sure you want to make that bet?”  
“My father already knows he worked in the circus,” Tina offered.  
“But does he know that he isn’t getting any money out of this?” Mr. Kamski asked slyly, “I’m afraid to inform you, but miscreants like me dance between the dirty business both your fathers dabble in, and Mr. Chen is about to lose money on this investment.”  
“How do you know that?” Gavin hissed.  
“Because I sold your parents their tickets off the island!” Mr. Kamski showed his teeth.  
Gavin couldn’t believe it. His parents were marrying him into a financial disaster and fleeing with Mr. Chen’s money.  
Actually, he could believe it. This was exactly the kind of scam his parents would pull to get out of deals gone sour. They’d played everyone up until now...but because this Elijah Kamski had a personal beef with Gavin, they weren’t going to get away so easily…  
Did Gavin want them to get away?  
He frowned, “what are you asking me to do?”  
“I need a little recompense for that bruise you gave me, I think.”  
Tina looked at Gavin, finally deciding to speak out, “excuse me, do you two know each other?”  
“Yes.”  
They responded in unison.  
“Okay?” She looked at Gavin, “what is he talking about?”  
“I punched him and he’s threatening to turn your father on mine before we go through with the marriage.”  
Tina frowned at Gavin’s words.  
“How about a trade, then?” Gavin decided suddenly.  
“A trade?” Kamski raised an eyebrow.  
Gavin’s arm wrapped around Tina’s waist and he kissed her on the forehead, “I’ll be right back.”  
He stood up, tucking the papers from her dress discreetly into his pocket as he walked with Kamski, directing him through some doors in the back while no one was looking.  
“What in the world could you possibly mean by a trade?”  
“I want the birth certificates and legal documents for Richard, Nolan, and Connor.”  
“What?” Kamski laughed, “you’re kidding me.”  
“I’ll give you everything for that, and for you to leave right now.”  
This got Kamski’s attention straight away, “how do you mean, Mr. Reed?”  
Gavin hated that name and he grimaced at being referred to by it.  
He pulled out the papers, separating his own birth certificate and legal documents and pulling out his signed inheritance.  
“You can’t sign this over to me without your father’s permission,” Kamski scowled, though his eyes were reading it and his lust for money was dulling his senses.  
The chill air forced Gavin to shudder, but he moved on brusquely, “you’ll notice that the legal ramifications of the document note that the inheritance is mine once I am married. So you can either take a little bit of cash now and ruin the wedding, or you can take everything and then some.”  
“Well, I don’t have their papers on me, you know…” Kamski started, his fingers idling over the edges of Gavin’s inheritance.  
Gavin pulled it away, glaring at Kamski.  
“If you don’t have them by the end of the night, then no deal.”  
Kamski danced around the idea for a moment, swaying from foot to foot and chewing at his fingernails as he considered the proposition, reading the fine print thirty times before finally holding out a hand.  
“You have a deal, Mr. Reed.”  
“Please,” Gavin forced a smile, “call me Gavin.”  
He returned back to the main room and wound around it as if he had been looking for a bathroom and finally found it.  
“What did you do?” Tina demanded in a hushed voice as Gavin tucked the documents back into her pocket quietly.  
“Nothing. It’s fine,” Gavin replied shortly, “I’m just doing what needs to be done.”  
“You’re not going to tell me?” Tina asked.  
“Not right now. It’s complicated.”  
“I don’t like that man.”  
“Neither do I,” Gavin muttered darkly, “but he’s got something I need.”  
“Is he from the circus?” Tina asked, waiting for more people to stir away from them before speaking on the subject again.  
“He has some documents that belong to Richard and his brothers.”  
Tina’s eyes widened and she smiled, “for Richard, then…!”  
Gavin nodded solemnly, “he acts like he owns them.”  
Tina nodded, understanding, “say no more, I understand you.”  
She made an effort to keep her eyes out for the greasy man the rest of that evening, eventually spotting him as the events of the night were winding down and the band was packing up.  
“I’ll distract our parents a while, you do what you have to,” she explained quickly, helping him to slip away by diverting a group of guests just leaving with her endearing fake mannerisms.  
Gavin slunk through the back and onto the loose gravel, holding out a hand for the documents which Kamski handed over.  
“This is only Connor and Nolan’s,” Gavin looked at Kamski angrily, “this wasn’t the deal.”  
“Give me the inheritance and I’ll hand his over, too.”  
Gavin handed it over hesitantly, watching Kamski closely as he did so.  
Kamski grinned, tucking the paper away and almost laughing at the thought of all his riches.  
“Richard’s papers?” Gavin pressed.  
“You don’t need all three of them, do you?” Kamski smiled.  
“You’ll give it to me, and then I’ll sign that document saying that I’ve handed it over. You’ve only stolen it just now. You will receive nothing if you don’t get my approved signature.”  
Kamski growled almost like an animal before handing over Richard’s papers.  
Gavin nodded, pulling out a pen and gesturing for the inheritance. Kamski held onto it tightly while Gavin signed it so that he wouldn’t give him the slip.  
“You have to wait until our marriage is legal and registered by the law tomorrow before trying to cash in, do you understand?” Gavin instructed, his ears sensitive to the sound of voices as people left the event.  
“I assure you I wouldn’t dream of messing this up,” Kamski gave him a slight bow and nod of the head before slinking off into the night.  
“Bastard Rat,” Gavin muttered, “you can wait for eternity. I’m not getting married.”  
He turned around and started up the stairs, only to have them open almost into his face.  
His father stood in the doorway, looking down at him with a stone face and the eyes of a devil. His voice was like hard ice.  
“Who’s not getting married?”


	31. Burning Failure

The shock came on slow, like someone was siphoning freezing cold water down his back in dribbles. The hair on his body stood up and the blood rushed out of his face so fast his knees almost buckled.  
Before he could say much of anything, his arm was being grabbed and he was jerked from the loose gravel and back into the large hall where the reception had taken place.  
Gavin’s father had an unreadable expression on his face, which was far scarier than knowing what was coming. It didn’t matter that his father couldn’t prove that his son was up to anything. Too much money was on the line for him to take any risks.  
“Mister Reed?” Tina asked hesitantly when Gavin was thrown back to her side, “what seems to be the problem?”  
“Nothing,” he answered icily, glaring at Gavin.  
“Nothing,” Gavin echoed, not daring to look over at Tina, his heart pounding and the taste of something vile in the back of his throat.  
They finished thanking their guests under the watchful gaze of Gavin’s father. Tina squeezed his hand, able to read the room well enough to understand that Gavin had been caught doing something and that he was in trouble.  
“You trust me to go through with this, right?” Tina breathed as she was directed to her own car.  
Gavin nodded limply, though he wasn’t sure what she would be able to do now since his father was surely going to watch him for the entire night.  
She gave him a kiss on both cheeks and they waved at each other before Gavin was shoved into the back seat of his car. His father was silent the whole ride, and his mother was none the wiser, as she fussed over his clothes the entire ride home.  
Samantha greeted them and was quickly assigned to escort Gavin straight to bed, his father following only a few steps behind. Gavin wouldn’t answer any of Samantha’s questions, his brain as limp as a wet noodle.  
“Master Reed, is there anything I can help you with?” Samantha asked as Gavin’s father pushed through the door to Gavin’s bedroom after him.  
He closed the door and locked her out without answering.  
Gavin looked up at him for a moment, his miniscule bravery wilting like a flower after a heavy frost.  
“I will not be made a fool by you,” he hissed after nearly two minutes of silence, “and I will not allow you to deny me the only thing you exist for.”  
This wasn’t the first time Gavin had been told the only reason his parents had a child was to marry him into money. They didn’t care much for legacy, only for greed and their own selfish self-interests.  
“I’ve given you food. A comfortable bed. A large house. I’ve given you teachers. I’ve had you trained up to be worth something!”  
Gavin didn't respond, though he would have loved to. Instead, the brief silence between them was shattered with a swift blow to his stomach.  
No one would see that bruise at the wedding, so it didn’t matter.  
“I won’t be made a fool by you.”  
The words were repeated over and over until Gavin’s father had run out of energy, leaving Gavin on the floor, curled up in a ball but making no sound.  
His father left for a brief moment, only to return with a chair. He locked the door to Gavin’s room and sat down outside of the door, muttering “you’re not getting away this time.”  
Gavin’s body quivered and shook for another hour before he managed to find the strength to push himself off the ground, the bones and damaged muscles in his body groaning at him for even trying.  
He wiped the blood streaming out of his nose on his white dress sleeve, wondering how broken it was while he crawled onto his bed, his shaking hand looping into his jacket and finding the papers he had obtained from Mister Kamski.  
Staring at Richard’s name, Gavin clutched the papers to his chest and cried silently.  
If he couldn’t be free, at least Richard could.  
Gavin fell asleep like that, the papers crinkled in his hands and his body begging for relief. For some ice. For someone to care.  
And then his eyes were open again, his brain slow to the uptake as he saw the bright light flooding into his room from beneath the door.  
It was morning already...and Tina must have realized that Gavin had been locked away, or--  
Gavin blinked, realizing that the light was moving. That wasn’t the sun...it was fire.  
Forcing himself up, Gavin shoved his feet in his shoes and went to throw open the door, only to have the door splinter under the weight of an axe.  
He jumped back just in time for Samantha and Tina to kick down the door, waving him out quickly into the smoke.  
Samantha smiled at Gavin and rushed them down the stairs and out the back door, waving them away without a word, despite Gavin's protests that she would get in trouble for helping him.  
Gavin’s lungs were filled with smoke and his body protested every pounding step he took in a sprint away from the house, his sweaty hand clutching Tina’s as she dragged him away in her riding pants.  
He glanced back, the dark clouds billowing out of the house covering the moonlit sky in an inky blanket. It felt surreal and strange. No one was talking to him. Was this even real?  
“Can’t you move any faster?” Tina demanded suddenly, “we’re in plain view! If they look over here now we’ll be caught!”  
Gavin tried to pump his legs faster, his hip creaking with every footfall on the ground.  
Before he could ask where they were going, he was being pushed into a car that sped away without its lights on, Tina’s knuckles white as she slammed her foot on the gas.  
“Wipe that blood off your face, we need to look presentable at the train station,” Tina exclaimed, “do you have your papers?”  
Gavin’s heart stopped, and his hands scrambled into every pocket in search of Connor, Nolan, and Richard’s papers. For a brief moment, he thought he had lost them, but Tina held up a hand with papers crunched between her fingers, “you need to keep a better eye on your stuff.”  
Snatching the documents away from her, Gavin managed to wheeze out a “that’s not funny,” before passing out in the back seat.  
The odd blue light of the pre-dawn sky was visible through the window of the car where Gavin lay when he woke up again, the urge to cough ripping him from his sleep and forcing him to nearly hack out a lung. It didn't help that the car was shaking so violently it was giving him heart palpitations.  
“Are you okay back there?” Tina asked tensely, her eyes focused on the road as she weaved between cars on her approach to the train station.  
“I’ve been better,” Gavin hissed as he sat up, his muscles not wanting to cooperate with him.  
“That was your great idea? Burn down my house?” Gavin managed to ask as he took in their surroundings.  
“Shut up, you were clearly in no position to do any better,” Tina snapped, “get ready to run again, we’re being followed.”  
“Shit, really?” Gavin looked back, his brain still fuzzy and unable to compute what was happening. Was this real? Really real? Did Tina actually commit arson to get him out?  
“I can’t believe you did all this for me…” Gavin murmured, not even registering.  
“I can’t show up to that circus without you, or they’ll be pissed,” Tina stated flatly, “besides, we’re friends. You help me, I help you, right?”  
“Right,” Gavin nodded, “right.”  
“I’m parking,” Tina said suddenly.  
“We’re in the middle of a road!” Gavin protested.  
“Get ready to jump out!”  
“Hold on, are you serious?!”  
The car screeched to a halt right in front of the ticket office and he was bowling out of the car with Tina before he could protest further. She had grabbed his hand again to make sure they wouldn’t lose each other in the thick crowd of early bird and red-eye train riders. She slapped down a $20 bill on the ticket table for two tickets.  
“Don’t ask questions and you can keep the change,” she barked.  
The ticket master complied and they were on their way, running up ramps and searching wildly for their platform.  
A train’s horn sounded for last calls, and Tina hauled Gavin across tracks and they pulled themselves onto the platform for their train and ran to the ticket collector and jumped onto the train just as the doors closed.  
They both looked back and saw a group of policemen gathering around the platform but the train was already pulling out.  
“We did it!” Tina grinned at Gavin.  
“No...I don’t think this is the end of it,” Gavin murmured, “I’m sure they know where we’re going.”  
Tina nodded, “I hadn’t thought of that. Come on, let’s get some new clothes to help, then.”  
They wandered down the aisles among the crowd, slowly pulling off jackets and re-pocketing their documents while also snatching other people’s hats or scarves to help disguise themselves.  
When they arrived at their stop late that afternoon, they stuck to the center of the crowds and moved with them out of the train and out of the station.  
Gavin was just starting to relax when he saw a policeman pointing at Tina, who stuck out like a sore thumb amongst the mostly European looks of the area.  
Despite his exhaustion, he grabbed Tina’s hand and they made a break for the circus on the outskirts of town, the tents just visible as a few policemen on horseback started racing in their direction, yelling out for them to stop.  
Crowds were dispersing around them so as not to get in the way of the chase.  
As soon as they passed into the grounds, Gavin jerked Tina off to the side and they joined up with another large group heading into a small observation tent.  
They escaped through the back while the policemen were shuffling through the spectators, sprinting around the outside of the circus until they cut into the center and rammed themselves into the center of the crowds gathering for the early evening performance in the big tent.  
Gavin led Tina up to the secret spot on top, feeling assured that no one would find them there, and finally collapsed. He was just conscious enough to watch a group of men distressing the crowd searching for them, only to eventually give up and look elsewhere.  
His heart finally slowed and his lungs managed to fill up completely for the first time since the previous evening.  
“Tina, will you pinch me?” Gavin breathed as more people began to file into the big tent.  
“Why?” She was mostly distracted by all the colors, her voice excited and devoid of the exhaustion that Gavin felt.  
“I need to make sure I’m not dreaming this all up right now.”  
“You’re awake, I promise,” Tina brushed off impatiently, leaning over the edges of the boxes with wide eyes.  
“But--”  
Tina sat back and pinched his arm. Hard.  
“Damn that hurt!” Gavin pulled his arm away quickly, “what are your nails made of, anyway?”  
She rolled her eyes, “aren’t you going to say thank you?”  
Gavin pulled her into a hug before she could finish the sentence.  
“You better introduce me to all your lady friends!” She huffed, hugging him back.  
“I’ll do more than just introduce you,” Gavin assured, the familiar smells of the circus sending him back to the only time in his life when he had truly been happy.  
He was finally home again.


	32. The Toll

Gavin could almost laugh at how excited Tina was when the show actually started about twenty minutes later. The band paraded into the center, led by both Hank and Cole, who announced the festivities of the night.  
His stomach turned upside down when they included “...and, as some of you might know, our Animal Tamer is sick at the moment, so that part of the show is out for the moment.”  
These words were followed by loud boos.   
“It's almost like they were expecting you to come back!” Tina punched Gavin’s arm playfully, “see? Everyone loved you!”  
Needless to say, he was surprised he had made such a huge impact in so short a time.  
The show itself always took his breath away, but he was waiting expectantly for his favorite part.  
When the trapeze music began, Gavin’s heart skipped a beat, and he watched as Connor swung into view, followed by Nolan. They began with a complicated series of jumps and flips that now included a part involving two long pieces of fabric hung from the top of the tent. But Richard never came out.  
Gavin’s heart wrenched at the thought that Richard’s injury was still acting up and preventing him from doing what he loved. Worse thoughts came to mind at the moment, though. Perhaps it was his own fault that Richard didn’t make an appearance.  
“Which one is Richard?” Tina asked, pointing.  
“Neither of them...he’s...I don’t know where he is,” Gavin whispered as the two brothers finished their sky dance and tumbled to the ground with a final bow to the crowd, who cheered and clapped. Someone threw flowers.  
The rest of the show was lost to Gavin as his thoughts wandered and worried. Where was Richard now? Was he okay? Would he even want to see him? What if things never returned to normal? What if Richard never forgave Gavin for leaving him?  
Those thoughts were mixed with the strongest yearnings for his touch. Gavin had never wanted more to hear his voice and hold his hand and look into those eyes…  
“Gavin..? Hello? Are you in there?” Tina interrupted, waving a hand in front of Gavin’s face. The show was over.  
“Oh, sorry,” Gavin mumbled.  
“You’re going to introduce me to everyone, right?” She demanded.  
“Well, everyone is probably out meeting with the people who just watched the show, so they’re going to be a bit tied up at the moment. Let’s wait until the crowds die down a bit.”  
Tina folded her arms with a huff, “I can wait.”  
“Sure you can,” Gavin snorted, returning to his previous thoughts and linking his own two hands together. He wondered distantly if the tigers missed him. Or any of the animals for that matter.  
“Tell me about everyone,” Tina interrupted again.  
“What?” Gavin looked up at her, his body aching and begging him to rest.  
“If we have to wait so long, you can at least tell me about everyone in the meantime so I don’t get overwhelmed!”  
With a deep sigh, Gavin got into it, starting with Hank and Cole and then lingering for a significant amount of time on Chloe, then Stacey and Tracey and Traci. Tina was almost bursting with excitement at the idea of a knife-throwing lady.  
Gavin could hardly blame her.  
By the time the crowds had thinned out, Gavin had gone through every single person he knew twice. Tina kept asking him questions, but he was growing weary of them and was anxious to actually meet everyone again. That, and his body was as stiff as a coffin now, making movement twice as painful than before.   
What if everyone was mad at him? What if they wouldn’t let him come back?  
Shoving the thoughts away, Gavin helped Tina down from the uncomfortable boxes, then down the creaky wooden steps to the grass, leading her by her hand. He wasn’t out of the big tent for ten minutes when a loud and easily recognizable voice called his name from across the circus field.  
Connor ran up to him, Nolan following quickly as Connor practically scooped Gavin off the ground with his hug that felt like he was breaking Gavin’s ribs more than they probably already were.  
“You’re back! You’re back! I knew you’d come back! How’d you get away--” Connor noticed Tina, “--ah..uh..you’re...the…”  
“I’m his partner in crime!” Tina grinned, “I broke him out of his house!”  
She was trying so hard to impress them, but Nolan was frowning at her, “but you’re his wife, aren’t you?”  
Tina scoffed, “I’d never marry him in a million years, why do you think he brought me here??”  
Nolan nodded approvingly, glancing at Gavin, “so you...just ran away?”  
“It’s a long story,” Gavin mumbled, grateful that Tina was more than willing to start into the story very animatedly while a large group of circus members gathered around to hear it.  
“...and that’s when I decided the only way to get him out was by setting his house on fire!” Tina exclaimed with expressive arms as if to say the house exploded, “he was so slow to get out--it was like he was asleep, I was dragging him across the fen just to get him to the car I’d stolen from my father when--”  
Gavin was easily slinking to the back of the crowd, bumping into Chloe who had joined the circle but didn’t know what it was about yet.  
“Gavin!” she gasped, losing her breath from shock, “you’re back!”  
“She’s giving the re-telling if you’re interested,” Gavin shrugged tiredly.  
“Oh, Gavin…” she very carefully touched his broken nose with her hand, “do you need some ice…?”  
“You know what would be better than ice?” Gavin flinched at her touch but moved past it quickly, “her name is Tina, I was supposed to marry her, but she just wants to be part of the circus. She helped me run away. Could you perhaps give her a personal tour?”  
Chloe gave Gavin a sort of sad smile, seeing the exhaustion scrawled on his face, “alright, Gavin, only if you promise to go straight to Cole to get yourself patched up, okay?”  
He nodded glumly, sure that his face looked bruised all over now that the injuries had had time to settle.  
Chloe glanced into the center of the crowd and saw Tina, “oh, you didn’t tell me she was cute!” she snickered, a wild grin appearing on her face.  
“She’s on the market,” Gavin chuckled, giving Chloe a gracious nod as he slipped away from the group and easily found Hank and Cole’s tent.  
He felt like a child who just broke a vase and was preparing to get scolded by the maid when he knocked on the center pole between the two entrance flaps. His heart was beating uncomfortably fast and his feet ached in the soft grass because he was still wearing his outfit from the ball the previous night, and running in dress shoes isn’t preferable.  
“Come in!” Cole said from his bed, a lantern turning on to illuminate the whole tent as Gavin pushed back the flap.  
Cole gasped, standing up so fast his candle fell off his lap and went out in the moist grass.  
“Gavin…!” He stopped himself from hugging him when he saw the bruises on his face.  
“I’m sorry,” Gavin started, but Cole cut him off.  
“Don’t apologize, Gavin. It’s not your fault. It was never your fault. Never,” Cole directed Gavin to sit on the edge of his bed, where Gavin immediately began to take off the dress shirt out of habit. Cole was already getting his first aid kit.  
“We’ll do better this time, okay?” Cole promised, bandaging up the surface wounds on Gavin’s upper arms and grimacing at the deep, dark bruising on his chest.  
Conveniently for Cole, Hank was just entering the tent.  
“Could you get me some ice?” Cole ordered quickly.  
Hank froze for a moment, his eyes widening as he registered it was Gavin he was looking at.  
“I’ll be right back,” he nodded, running off and leaving the tent flap to swish loudly.  
“I can’t wrap anything around here because I think you’ve got some broken ribs,” Cole said quietly, pushing against the tender skin and watching Gavin’s reactions.  
“That’s okay,” Gavin wheezed, pushing Cole’s hand away, “I think that’s enough.”  
“I can give you some heavy stuff and put you out for the night if you’d like,” Cole offered.  
“Not yet…” Gavin frowned, “I’m still looking for--”  
Hank came crashing back into the tent, handing Cole several bags of ice.  
As he held them against Gavin, Gavin began to rummage through the pockets of his pants, pulling out four pieces of crumpled and partially torn papers.  
“How’d you get here, son?” Hank asked cautiously.  
“I ran,” Gavin hissed at the ice being pressed on his bare skin, “I had help, but I doubt her father will search for her.”  
“You think your parents will come looking for you again?” Cole asked, moving the ice to another spot.  
“Absolutely. But I came prepared…” He handed the papers to Hank with a shaky hand.  
He took them carefully and flipped through them, his eyes widening as he realized that the papers were the real deal.  
“What are they?” Cole asked.  
“His birth certificate and personal legal documents, as well as the legal documents for Nolan, Connor, and Richard.”  
“How did you get those?” Cole demanded.  
“I gave that rat my inheritance, which is void, now,” Gavin managed a smile, though he felt his anxiety sky-rocketing as he waited for their verdict.  
“Wow,” Hank breathed, “you’re tough as nails, kid.”  
“Is it enough?” Gavin looked up at Hank, “is it enough?”  
“Enough for what?” Cole raised an eyebrow.  
“For me to come back…?”  
Hank and Cole exchanged a quick glance before Hank sat on the bed on the opposite side of Gavin, placing a careful hand on his shoulder.  
“Son, you will always be welcome here. You never had to earn it.”  
Gavin sagged forward, his willpower reaching the frayed end of its rope, and he sobbed like a child into Cole’s jacket.  
He had never cried more than he had in the last 24 hours.


	33. There's No Place Like Home

Gavin was almost convinced to just lay down and call it a day after that. Cole was definitely trying to convince him to lay down, but there was one more person Gavin needed to talk to more desperately than he needed to sleep.  
“Take the ice,” Cole instructed, holding the tent flap open for Gavin.  
Gavin held the ice bag against his bare chest awkwardly, his unbuttoned shirt fluttering in the wind as he went to the only place he was sure he could find Richard.  
The stable.  
It took forever to limp there, his wrapped feet were already bleeding through the bandages that Cole had dressed them with, but the sting was hardly anything to the pounding of his heart and the churning in his stomach.  
Luckily, his face was mostly numb now after Cole had tried to set his nose back into place. That, and all the crying had made his face so swollen that he couldn’t really feel the throbbing anymore.  
It was definitely a hideous first impression, but Gavin didn’t care. He also didn’t want Richard’s pity, but that was an entirely different issue and he wasn’t going to wait until he was better to talk to Richard.  
He walked into the stable as quietly as he could, hearing the sound of someone speaking just inside.  
Gavin smiled as he recognized Richard’s voice. When his eyes adjusted to the dim stable lighting, Gavin realized that Richard wasn’t just talking to himself, he was reading a book aloud. To the tigers. He was sounding out the words slowly, discovering new words as he went and re-reading sentences once he understood what they were saying.  
Instead of just interrupting him, though, Gavin waited at the edge of the floor until Richard finished the chapter and closed the book. The tigers hadn’t caught a whiff of him yet because of where Gavin stood, but as soon as he entered the ring fully, they were on their feet, padding quickly to Gavin’s side and knocking him painfully to the ground as they chuffed at him and licked him.  
Gavin didn’t have the strength to fight back or even whimper when they stepped on his chest, so he let them have their way with him until they lost some interest and backed off.  
In this case, they backed off sooner at Richard’s approach.  
Gavin wanted to throw up at the look of hurt and betrayal on Richard’s face.  
“What are you doing here?”  
He could’ve choked on air, the coldness in Richard’s voice was like a stab to the heart.  
“I--I came back--”  
“Why?” Richard growled, “and before you start, what could you possibly say to me to make up for anything?”  
“I--” Gavin frowned, “I’m sorry.”  
“You wanted to _apologize_?” Richard scoffed, shaking his head, “apologize for what, for breaking my heart? For leaving me? For abandoning me and the circus, and then coming back with your wife and waltzing her out of the circus tent and holding her hand like we were nothing?”  
“...what?” Gavin wheezed, trying to sit up and hold the ice against his sore ribs, his head pounding from the effort. Richard must’ve seen him taking Tina out of the tent, but read into it wrong. He was a little too blinded by rage and resentment to see reason. He wouldn’t even look at Gavin.  
“You think you can just waltz back here and befriend everyone again and act like you didn’t abandon us? No! Even if everyone else accepts you I won’t. I won’t!” Richard yelled, “you left me! You let them take you away, even after all we had been through together! You wouldn’t let me stand up for you!”  
“Because I couldn’t!” Gavin tried.  
“You wouldn’t!” Richard wailed, “and every week I would see newspaper clippings regarding your marriage. How you were adorned with money and wealth. How you didn’t even try to fight it!”  
“How do you think I got here?” Gavin demanded, feeling enough frustration to strike back despite how much it hurt his ribs, “look at me, Richard! Do I look like someone who just went and did everything he was told like an obedient little dog? You saw how my father treated me when he took me away! You think I wanted that? I thought of you every day. I did everything I could, but you have to understand--”  
“Understand what?” Richard asked, finally turning around and doing what Gavin asked him to do as the tigers angrily forced him towards Gavin, all three of them upset and anxious at the loud voices.  
His gaze softened as he saw the dark bruises, the ice, and the semi-fixed nose.  
“I had to wait until I could escape. They locked me up in a room without windows. I couldn’t just run whenever I wanted to...and I had to make sure they couldn’t just take me back whenever they wanted to, either.”  
“So they’re going to come back again…?” Richard asked, his voice quiet as he knelt down next to Gavin.  
“I’m their only ticket to getting out of debt,” Gavin replied, sitting up against the wall, “but this time I came prepared. I promise I’m not leaving again. I’m not leaving you, I never left you. I would never…” Gavin choked on his own words as he begged for Richard to hear him.  
“I missed you so much,” Richard’s lips trembled, “I thought you forgot about me.”  
Gavin’s heart shattered. He was making Richard cry...how could he have hurt him so badly? How could he ask forgiveness so easily of Richard without considering how much pain he had been in.  
“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean--I’m sorry, Richard, I-I’m so sorry--”  
Richard shook his head, grimacing a little bit as tears managed to sneak out of his eyes and dribble down his face, “you better not leave again you bastard. I don’t think my heart can take it.”  
He took the ice bag and held it against Gavin’s chest, moving to kneel in front of him as Gavin reached up and held onto Richard’s face. Their foreheads collided softly and Richard reached up with his free hand to roll his thumb across Gavin’s cheek.  
“I’m not going anywhere,” Gavin promised, feeling like he could cry all over again. It was pretty easy to do when Richard was crying and holding him the way that he was. His head throbbed with every bone-wracking sob, but it was nothing in comparison to how good it felt to be with Richard again.  
Their tears mingled together on their cheeks as Gavin told Richard about Tina and about how she helped him escape.  
“I can’t believe I was so jealous of a lesbian,” Richard laughed through his tears.  
“I can’t believe you thought I would actually be with anyone besides you,” Gavin added, struggling to laugh because of his aching chest.  
“Enough talking for tonight, I think,” Richard interrupted, “you can tell me the rest later. You need some rest.”  
Richard put the tigers back in their cages before returning to Gavin and helping him to his feet, whispering obscenities under his breath when he saw Gavin’s feet.  
“Why are you so damn reckless?” Richard shook his head.  
“I’d do it again in a second,” Gavin mumbled as Richard helped him limp back to the Ringmasters’ tent.  
“You better not,” Richard scolded, “or I’ll kill you.”  
“I see you’ve found each other,” Cole laughed as Richard pulled Gavin through the tent flap, “we’ve prepared your bed, Gavin.”  
Richard paused for a second with an odd expression on his face, and Hank practically choked on his tea, “you’re welcome to stay if you’d like, Richard.”  
Gavin would have laughed if he had had the energy, but at the moment he felt like he had lost all the bones in his body, the bed mat like a heavenly landing after all he had been through.  
His feet immediately began to throb the moment the pressure was off of them.  
“Have him take this, Rich,” Cole handed him a spoonful of dark liquid that Richard forced down Gavin’s throat before he could protest it.  
His body very quickly became goo and his eyelids became as heavy as stones.  
Richard stayed by his side as Gavin slipped away, the drug taking hold quickly and effectively. He held ice on his feet and chest and brushed his hair out of his face to hold ice there when his forehead felt too warm.  
“Richard,” Gavin mumbled through a numb tongue, wondering if he was speaking or if this was a weird dream, “Please stay.”  
“I’m not going anywhere.”  
Richard stayed the whole night, administering to Gavin until he passed out on the ground at Gavin’s side. He would keep his promise that night, and every night after that.


	34. The Final Performance

Gavin woke up to the sound of Richard’s breathing. His breath was rank, but it didn’t matter. He’d take that breath and everything else too if it meant waking up to the sight of Richard’s peaceful face.  
His body ached all over, and now that the adrenaline rush of the previous day was completely out of his system, Gavin found even light breathing to be painful and difficult.  
Slipping in and out of sleep until Richard woke up was the only thing Gavin was capable of doing at the moment, which became a problem when Cole walked into the tent and woke Richard quickly.  
“We’ve got company,” he informed shortly, glancing at Gavin whose eyes were still closed, feigning sleep. Maybe if he just ignored it, the problem would go away.  
Richard sat up quickly, “should I hide him?”  
“No, that’ll look bad. We’ve got his documents, if it comes down to that, but I think he had something else in mind…”  
A distant yelling could be heard.  
“Hurry and wake him and ask him what he wants to do, the police are practically raping the entire circus looking for him.”  
“Not for the girl?” Richard asked, rubbing his eyes.  
“Well, I’m sure they’re looking for her, too, but they’re asking for him by name.”  
Gavin opened his eyes at this, moaning at the thought of having to deal with his parents or any authority so soon.  
“Gavin, were you awake earlier, or..?” Cole started, cutting himself off when Gavin nodded stiffly.  
Richard was loath to help Gavin to his feet, as he was clearly in a great deal of pain.  
“It’s okay, Richard, I’ll be fine,” Gavin mumbled, leaning on him like a crutch.  
“What are we doing…?” Richard asked, helping Gavin change into some different, circus-owned clothes while pausing to place a hand on Gavin’s severely swollen face.  
“First, we have to burn these old clothes, then you need to cut my hair…”  
“We should’ve done that last night,” Richard grumbled, helping button up Gavin’s shirt and bundling up the clothes and throwing them into the hidden compartment in Hank’s closet, “we don’t have time for that, now!”  
“Right…” Gavin tried to wake himself up, but nothing seemed to be working. He felt dead on his feet.  
“I’m taking you to the train,” Richard decided, “you’re in no position to face anyone right now--”  
“But they’ll tear up the place,” Gavin protested, “they’ll never stop until they realize they can’t take me!”  
“When’s your birthday?” Richard asked through gritted teeth as he practically dragged Gavin through tight tent-made alleyways.  
“In a month and a half,” Gavin mumbled.  
“We can hide you for a month and a half, then,” Richard said bluntly, “then your parents can’t do shit about nothing.”  
“But…” Gavin was trying to remember what his plan was when his parents sent the police. Had it been to hide? The police weren’t really interested in hunting down 17 year old runaways. This was motivated by money they thought they were getting, most likely.  
That’s it, Gavin had to prove that his parents had no money…!  
How was he going to do that, again?  
Before he could think of the answer, Richard was stopped by Chloe, Tina, Simon, and Daniel. All of them were led by Ralph who rushed Gavin without warning and hugged his waist.  
“We don’t have time for this!” Richard grumbled, Hank, Connor, and Nolan coming from the other side.  
“Where are you taking him?” Hank asked, “Cole can’t talk them down forever, what’s the plan?”  
Richard looked between the two groups, his stress evident as Gavin’s brain continued to lag.  
Then, like the first kernel of corn to pop over the fire, Gavin found a bit of clarity through his headache.  
“Who’s there?”  
“It’s my dad, your parents, and a bunch of officers,” Tina informed politely.  
“Your dad…?” Gavin smiled, “perfect, I bet the officers are already on edge.”  
“Why?” Tina asked along with several others.  
“Because any officers working with my parents are part of the mob my parents are in debt to,” Gavin replied as if that was going to make sense to anyone except for Tina.  
“Are you sure, Gavin?” Richard asked weakly, naked fear on his face at the thought of putting Gavin in danger again.  
“Trust me.”  
There was an extended silence as everyone waited for Richard’s verdict. He eventually nodded and they crowd hobbled toward the front of the circus where Cole had corralled the police  
“Did you all want something?” Gavin slurred, trying to keep his head on right.  
“We’re here for Gavin John Reed, your parents are looking for you,” a scruffy officer who was trying his best to look in charge stated flatly, despite Gavin’s parents standing only a few feet behind him.  
“I don’t know who that is, must’ve misunderstood,” Gavin spat on the ground, blood still coating the back of his throat from the broken nose, “I’m Gavin, but not the Gavin you’re looking for.”  
“We were told that you would be here--”  
“Do you have a picture? Do you have some sort of evidence that the person you’re looking for even exists?”  
The head officer frowned, confused.  
“All I’m sayin’ is, it’s awful strange of you to be lookin for some boy here in the circus but chasin’ grown men.”  
“No, he’s the Gavin Reed from the papers. He was supposed to get married yesterday.”  
“Why’re you chasing after a grown-ass man?” Richard asked, starting to understand what Gavin was trying to do.  
The officers were completely disarmed by the questions. Gavin could just see the look of shock on his father’s face as it began to register what was happening.  
“His parents said he was still a minor,” one started.  
“That doesn’t make sense, because if he’s a minor then he couldn’t be getting married.”  
“I bet he just came back ‘n got married for the money, I hear his parents are broke as hell!” Gavin laughed, “needed to marry into that rich Chen family to help the Reed’s outta debt!”  
The head officer frowned deeply, “and why should we believe you, Gavin who claims he’s not John Reed’s son?”  
“Maybe you should ask those Reed’s for some documents!” Gavin laughed, “I bet you they don’t have any to prove anything!”  
The seed of doubt had been planted, and the officer turned to the Reeds and Mister Chen, an eyebrow raised.  
Mister Chen had been looking at Tina the whole time, an unspoken conversation happening between them that ended with a look of disinterest on his part. To anyone who hadn’t been paying attention, it seemed as if Mister Chen had taken one look at Tina--who was already dressed in circus attire, her hair wild and her expression wilder--and told the officers that she wasn’t his child, and that he’d like to go home.  
The Reeds looked at Mister Chen with horrified expressions, looking back at Gavin like starving beggars ogle at meat hanging in the window of a meat shop.  
“Gavin, honey,” Cassidy started, “you can tell Mister Chen that this is a mistake, that you took Miss Chen out here because you just wanted to be with her, it’s okay! We won’t be mad!”  
Gavin blinked at her with his one good eye and didn’t answer.  
His Father looked about three shades away from a dark purple, his face was screwed up so tight.  
“Do you have documentation to prove he’s your son?” The police chief asked.  
“I’ve got pictures!” Cassidy stammered, pulling out a frame and giving it to the officer, who shared it with the others.  
“This doesn’t even look like that guy, he’s got scars all over his face, and his nose doesn’t match at all,” one of them pointed out angrily, “are you trying to scam us, Reed?”  
Gavin had to repress the desire to smile wickedly at his father, who had done this to himself. They had tried so hard to hide the damage John had done to his face for so long, that now it didn’t look like him. Gavin’s face was too swollen and bruised to be identified as the clean, make-up caked boy in the photos.  
“You don’t have any documents?” The chief demanded.  
“I couldn’t find them,” John managed to grind out through his teeth.  
“We did this under the promise of funding, and you send us out here on a wild goose-chase?” the chief roared, “this is a waste of our resources, Reed!”  
“They don’t have anything to give you,” Mister Chen chuckled darkly from the window of his car, “I’ve been informed that their only source of money was to come from their disappeared son and my daughter’s marriage. Seeing as the two disappeared, I think it’s safe to say that the Gavin in question didn’t want my money, and he and my daughter are off somewhere sinning, most likely. That’s none of my business any longer. As far as I’m concerned, I don’t have a daughter anymore.”  
The police were quiet, the better portion of them grinding their teeth angrily as they realized that the money John owed them wasn't going to be payed back anytime soon.   
Gavin wished he could save their faces in his mind. Several of the undercover mob members knew Gavin’s face just as well as his own father, but they were so angry with John for playing them under the table that they were willing to let it go.  
It was a forbidden trade to pay one mob with another mob’s money, and it was clear that this was one of those cases, now that Mister Chen had revealed his cards.  
Gavin couldn’t help but steal a glance at Tina, who winked at him. Maybe her father did care about her...in a weird way.  
“Besides all that,” Hank waved casually, “our Gavin has been with us the entire time, though he’s been ill, I can’t believe you’ve made him stand for so long, can’t you see he’s ailing?”  
“Yeah, that’s been clear for a while, Mister Anderson,” the chief sighed, giving Gavin a once over and shaking his head, “honestly, there’s nothing I can do here without solid proof that this is your actual son, Reed. This guy’s got witnesses backing him up, and your evidence so far isn’t proving anything. The fact that you didn’t even bring your actual son’s documents makes me believe that you don’t actually believe this guy is your son.”  
Gavin could almost laugh. The chief of the police department from his home city was one of the only guys not in the mafia’s pocket and that proved to be to Gavin’s advantage more than making the other guys angry at his father for not having the money.  
“You can’t be serious!” John sputtered.  
“The law doesn’t allow me to take random people into custody based on claims you can’t even back up, Reed.”  
John looked back at Gavin, as if he were spelling Gavin’s demise out with his pupils.  
“I think we’re done here, boss,” a mousy man announced among the other cops, “I think it’s time we take the Reeds home for some questioning, eh?”  
John’s face drained of color as he and Cassidy were led away, Cassidy crying for Gavin to say something. To help them.  
Gavin stood his ground, hand in Richard’s as the police disappeared, freeing the circus to function as usual again.  
Tina cheered loudly, dancing around Traci and Tracey, only to be picked up and spun around by Chloe.  
Ralph hadn’t understood what had happened, but he cheered and danced with the others anyway.  
“It’s good to have you back, son,” Hank smiled, the whole circus watching as Gavin practically collapsed to the ground in relief, the locked up stress finally escaping, alongside his pounding headache.  
“Come on,” Richard helped him back up, Connor and Nolan racing to his side and helping Richard practically carry Gavin back to the Ringmasters’ tent, “I think you need a break.”

* * *

Gavin and Richard were hardly ever left alone after that. The constant visitors drove Richard crazy, as he couldn’t believe the lack of respect for Gavin’s recovery. Gavin didn’t really care, though, because he wasn’t really aware enough for the first several days to talk to the guests, anyway.  
It was only after Gavin started to feel more like himself that the constant feeling of someone else being around started to get on his nerves. Eventually, Gavin snapped.  
“What are you doing?” Richard demanded, following after him and giving him support as Gavin stumbled out of the tent, watched with amusement by Hank and Cole.  
Gavin didn’t answer, instead directing Richard to the stable as a response.  
It took them forever, but the trip was uninterrupted due to the lateness of the hour.  
He collapsed in the pile of hay and straw near the center of the stable ring, sighing contentedly as he relished in the quiet privacy of the stable.  
“What are we doing here…?” Richard asked, standing over Gavin with his hands on his hips, “you shouldn’t be moving so much yet!”  
“When I’m better, will you teach me trapeze?” Gavin asked quietly, closing his eyes and letting the smells of the stable really sink in this time.  
Richard laughed, “I don’t think trapeze is really your thing.”  
“I just think it would be fun to swing around with you.”  
Gavin grinned up at Richard, opening one eye to see Richard’s reaction.  
“You have no idea how much work it takes to make trapeze look effortless, it’ll take so much practice and you aren’t very flexible and--” Richard cut himself off abruptly, realizing that Gavin wasn’t actually serious. “You’re so dumb, Gavin.”  
Gavin held out his hands as Richard crouched down and let Gavin wrap his arms around his neck.  
“Why weren’t you out there with Nolan and Connor the other day? Are you still hurt?” Gavin asked, intertwining his fingers and letting his arms rest on Richard’s strong neck and shoulders.  
“I guess I lost my mojo after you left,” Richard touched his nose to Gavin’s, “the only thing I wanted to do was perform with you.”  
“I’m back now,” Gavin grinned, “guess you’re stuck performing with me once I’m back on my feet.”  
“How about I perform with you right now?” Richard grinned, leaning forward and kissing Gavin softly, their lips still brushing together when Richard paused, “if that’s okay?”  
“Yes, of course it’s okay!” Is what Gavin tried to say, but he only got half-way through the sentence before Richard cut him off again.  
Gavin was not afraid. Nor would he ever be again...as long as he was in Richard’s arms.


End file.
